In January I joined a new handbells group. A friend of mine warned me about the director but I didn’t listen to ber. It was obvious at the very beginning she was not a fan of me. While she criticized me for small things and treated me as a neuisance.
She consistently shouted at the group and insulted us.
She also playes favorites. There was a part in one song that two women got wrong every single time without fail. And they got nothing more than a reminder.
I on the other hand, grabbed a sharp instead of a natural, realized, switched bells before we even got to that part and didn’t miss a note and she shouted at me for not being prepared. Shouting, storming her foot, a full on tantrum.
If course, I stood up for myself and told her that she had absolutely no right to speak to me that way and that I would not be disrespected like that for what was essentially nothing.
After that she would make passive aggressive comments towards me as well as glare at me. I couldn’t back out because that would leave the rest of the group (who were wonderful) stuck.
Just recently, she sent out emails about getting together for fall and I sent her a text saying
“Hi (name). You can take me off the email list. I won’t be playing with your group again. Your actions and attitude towards me and the others were very hurtful and disrespectful.”
I know it was a bit much but I was upset. Yes it wasnt kind but it wasn’t like I insulted her. Just straight to the point. What I was not expecting was her response.
“… I hope that you will spend some time reflecting on your actions (and in actions) and how in some cases your actions were very disrespectful to the group and to me. You acted as if you were the best ringer in the group and frankly your technique is less than stellar. South County strives to have consistent technique, and you were holding us back. Handbell choirs are unique in that if one person is not functional, then it handicaps the whole group. I hope that as you mature you will gain a better understanding of what it means to be a part of a handbell ensemble. “
Not only did she insult me, but went on to call me a handicap!? Of course she never had the balls to mention any of this while we were ringing because she was probably afraid I wouldn’t sit and take her crap and would stand up for myself
Hostley, I want to copy her email and send it to the whole group but I know that would only make me seem like an ass. Not sure how I should respond
I don’t think im the best ringer, infact there were some there who were much better than me. And my technique was fine, it’s not like I was dropping bells or something. And it’s not like our standards were high either.
The issue is I spoke to my friend she she said that it was necessarily cruel and her response it justified cause I was mean first.
TLDR: Told my director I didn’t like how she disrespected me. She proceeded write a paragraph about how awful I was.
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In January I joined a new handbells group. A friend of mine warned me about the director but I didn’t listen to ber. It was obvious at the very beginning she was not a fan of me. While she criticized me for small things and treated me as a neuisance.
She consistently shouted at the group and insulted us.
She also playes favorites. There was a part in one song that two women got wrong every single time without fail. And they got nothing more than a reminder.
I on the other hand, grabbed a sharp instead of a natural, realized, switched bells before we even got to that part and didn’t miss a note and she shouted at me for not being prepared. Shouting, storming her foot, a full on tantrum.
If course, I stood up for myself and told her that she had absolutely no right to speak to me that way and that I would not be disrespected like that for what was essentially nothing.
After that she would make passive aggressive comments towards me as well as glare at me. I couldn’t back out because that would leave the rest of the group (who were wonderful) stuck.
Just recently, she sent out emails about getting together for fall and I sent her a text saying
“Hi (name). You can take me off the email list. I won’t be playing with your group again. Your actions and attitude towards me and the others were very hurtful and disrespectful.”
I know it was a bit much but I was upset. Yes it wasnt kind but it wasn’t like I insulted her. Just straight to the point. What I was not expecting was her response.
“… I hope that you will spend some time reflecting on your actions (and in actions) and how in some cases your actions were very disrespectful to the group and to me. You acted as if you were the best ringer in the group and frankly your technique is less than stellar. South County strives to have consistent technique, and you were holding us back. Handbell choirs are unique in that if one person is not functional, then it handicaps the whole group. I hope that as you mature you will gain a better understanding of what it means to be a part of a handbell ensemble. “
Not only did she insult me, but went on to call me a handicap!? Of course she never had the balls to mention any of this while we were ringing because she was probably afraid I wouldn’t sit and take her crap and would stand up for myself
Hostley, I want to copy her email and send it to the whole group but I know that would only make me seem like an ass. Not sure how I should respond
I don’t think im the best ringer, infact there were some there who were much better than me. And my technique was fine, it’s not like I was dropping bells or something. And it’s not like our standards were high either.
The issue is I spoke to my friend she she said that it was necessarily cruel and her response it justified cause I was mean first.
TLDR: Told my director I didn’t like how she disrespected me. She proceeded write a paragraph about how awful I was.
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> I emailed my director and told her she was disrespectful to me, which could be seen as mean and unnecessarily stirring drama.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA how come all choral bell choir directors I’ve ever heard of are exactly like this?
Call EPA. She’s a toxic spill. NTA.
YTA
You sound young. Learn to let the little things go.
ESH; when you sent your director an email, essentially bashing them, did you really expect to receive an apology or any other kind of answer in return. Your email was intended to do one thing – get under their skin – and you succeeded brilliantly in doing so. ;;; Before disagreeing with their analysis of your technique,, you would be well advised to ask a third party who also is a choir director to give you an unbiased assessment.
I agree that the director, as you report their behaviors to be, was needlessly unkind and lacked specificity when giving you feedback during the practices. I cannot help but wish that they had taken you aside and had an adult conversation with you about what you were doing wrong as well as how correct those errors.
NTA. She sounds insecure and petty. I guess that’s why your friend tried to get you to be the director.
NTA. She’s just toxic and entitled. Hope the rest of the group can see her nastiness and have her removed or leave the group.
NTA – I wouldn’t worry about it. Sounds like a fair email to be honest – how exhausting! Set up your own group and do it for fun!
She wants to get her licks in now that you’re leaving and is setting up a narrative that you are underperforming and dramatic
So what? Don’t expect anything but poo out of an AH.
Send back “K” or a thumbs up emoji and live your best bell ringing life without her
NTA
NTA
You answered the email honestly and that’s where it should have ended. Not only does her response prove your point, but she also doesn’t expect it to get back to any of the others, as if they weren’t seeing her behavior for themselves.
Copy and send it to the rest of the group. They need to decided if they really want to continue working with someone who doesn’t like being called out. And ditch the friend. She somehow has the audacity to say it was “necessarily cruel” (i.e., you deserved it) when she’s the one who warned you about this person in the first place. I’m sorry, but if she can actually be aware of how awful a person is but still say it’s your fault, then they are not your friend.
You absolutely should send that email to the rest of the group. NTA
Sounds like her life was lifted from a Midsomer Murders episode.