My inner self is not just emotionally & mentally abusive but more than that, I imagine getting smacked in the face or hit, or choked or cut. All the time. And it’s been like this since I was a child. I remember at around 3 years old, I would cover my mouth and imagine being raped while touching myself and that particular thing went on well into my adult years. Ive moved on from that, fortunately, but now my mind is just so mean to me. It truly hates me. I’m a good person, I try to be positive and happy all the time, but inside, I’m the exact opposite, my brain is constantly putting me down, hating myself, letting me know that no one cares and when I try to talk positively to myself, I straight up will imagine getting hit, slapped, grabbed and told to shut up. It’s exhausting. It’s harrowing and I’m so tired from it.
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Maybe you need therapy, this doesn’t sound normal.
It sounds a little like you might suffer from a form of depression. Like you’ve separated from the mental illness and it’s attacking you in spirit. I would suggest going to a psychologist and telling them about it. You shouldn’t have to feel attacked in that way, therapy and sometimes medication can help.