tw mention of sh, suicide
i’ve been with my bf for 11 months and since april it’s only felt like it’s gotten worse. we both struggle with mental illness, which is why i’ve been in therapy for 8 years and also take meds for anxiety. he on the other hand does nothing to help improve his mental health. he typically just smokes and plays video games all day.
he struggles with retroactive jealousy, and just can’t get over the fact i’ve had sex with 1 other person than him before. he has slept with 3 people before me which i have no issue with. but it’s breaking down our relationship.
he told me he sees me as tainted, not as pure, that our sex is less intimate bc we have had sex with other people. it can make him disgusted with me and recently he flinches whenever i go near him, says he’s too repulsed to look at me, touch me or be touched by me. he will describe with crude detail what he pictures about me and my last bf and it makes me uncomfortable which i’ve tried to explain. he’s told me that i don’t respect our relationship because of the way i dress. he also admits it’s unhealthy.
he was the one who initially suggested that we break up because he doesn’t believe he can overcome his issues and it’s unfair for me to deal with them. i was pretty calm when we talked about this as i heard him out, realised i can’t force him to be with me and that it’ll probably be for the best to end it (for both our sakes).
a few hours later he started having a meltdown where he kept telling me to leave him alone, which i did after a bit. he’d locked himself in the bathroom but at one point let me in. when i started asking how i could help or what was wrong he’d get frustrated and intentionally made a loud noise because he knew it would distress me due to my sensory issues. this upset me that he would do this, and immediately after he told me to “fuck off”. i’ve never spoken to him in such a manner or insulted him anything like what he’s said before. later on he told me he nearly drank the bleach in the bathroom.
before going to bed he was profusely apologising, and all i wanted was to just be held by him even tho he’d said so many cruel things to me the past few days. i felt stupid for it. he then told me he was going to get help so he stops saying mean things to me.
i left his on saturday and ever since i’ve been flooded with spiralling thoughts of what to do. i think my mind is settled on breaking up because i see what it’s doing to us. we care about each other a lot but there’s too much mental strain. with all of the stress going on i’ve been trying to stay clean from sh – and his actions are not making it easy. i never thought it would end this way but i suppose there have been signs from the beginning.
i’m just too mentally exhausted and i think we bring each other down. unless he were to change immediately i don’t think i can put with this anymore. does anyone have any advice on how to follow through a break up or how to approach a situation like this?