My MIL is a really nice person but I’ve always struggled to get close to her. I’m not sure why but I never felt comfortable opening up to her about even the simple things. A few years ago we moved to the same city as them which was fine and we met once in a while to hangout. But I know she wants to connect with me and she’s told me she always wanted a daughter. In the past few months, she’s somehow joined my gym and now she’s joined my monthly activities at the library which I joined in the hopes to make friends. And now she texts me that she’s so excited and can’t wait and I feel like I’m obligated to sit and talk to her when I want to be able to move around to different seats each month to meet new people. This has given me anxiety almost everyday because I don’t know if I should just drop it completely or somehow tell her I don’t want to sit next to her and hurt her feelings. How would I navigate this situation? I know she wants to get closer but I don’t feel a big connection and every conversation just doesn’t come as naturally as it would with other people and now with this I feel like I don’t even want to make small talk anymore. I’m not sure if I’m being mean or if it’s ok to just want some independence and not the same type of relationship.
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How does she know what activities you’re signing up for? It sounds like she’s trying to force a mother/ daughter relationship without getting to know you, considering your feelings, or even getting your consent in this type of dynamic. Just because she wants to be close doesnt obligate you to be attached at the hip with her. You’re going to need to set boundaries.
“MIL it’s nice you have similar interests, but I’m using these activities to create my own support network in this new area outside of family. I know you’re there for us as a couple but it’s important for me to be able to branch out and I can’t do that of you are joining these activities in the hope that this will be for us to connect.”
At the library be cordial but sit where you want. If she says something politely tell her you joined to meet new people.
Does she try to buddy system you at the gym? If so tell her you prefer to do your own thing. If not, just say hi, do you workout, then bye.
Actions speak louder than words, but if she doesn’t get it you may need to explain you are trying to make friends your age.
Stop sharing your activities with her. Dont tell her what you’re doing.
Try volunteering at the local hospital, church, school or police department. I have found that all of these places need help with paperwork, or giving people directions, or whatever. Don’t tell anyone what you are doing. Just resign from the library and switch gyms. Try a pilates studio or yoga. Do you play any sports you can join in on?
Stop sharing what activities you’re doing.
Just tell your MIL that at the library group that you want to mingle and meet new people. So let’s do this, I will sit with you for the first 15 minutes and then I’m going to go join a new table so I can meet and network with new people. Then how about we reconnect the last 15 minutes to get caught up on who we met etc…. Encourage her to mingle also. Encourage her to make new friends also.
First of all- don’t share all the stuff you’re doing anymore.
Second- when she texts how she can’t wait, respond back with “hi MIL! I’m excited too, but I wanted to give you a heads up that I joined this group to help make connections in the community. I’ll definitely chat for a few minutes, but please know that I also plan to move around and socialize individually. I appreciate you understanding! See you soon!”
If her feelings are hurt, that’s okay because she’s an adult. If she says she wants to be closer, tell her you love the relationship you have, and that you aren’t intending to hurt her, but you also don’t believe that having only one friendship is healthy. Most daughters want to be their own person apart from their mothers, so you would be behaving as the daughter she always wanted!
Your MIL’s enthusiasm is suffocating you. Be honest, but gentle. You can say, “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’m trying to meet new people at the library. Maybe we can catch up another time?” Set boundaries without hurting her feelings.
You’re not mean. You’re suffocating. She’s love-bombing with hobbies. Just because she’s nice doesn’t mean you owe her access to every part of your life. Set the boundary. You don’t need a daughter, you needed a friend group.
Draw your boundaries with a Sharpie marker, not an Etch-A-Sketch
Put going to the monthly activities on hold and leave her to turn up and find you aren’t there. If MIL asks why you aren’t there then phrase it as you go so you can meet new people however if you are going to the same things as MIL you two will be talking and you won’t be able to sit with other people and get to know them.
Change your routine at the gym and if she asks just say you enjoy going on your own and it is a great way for you to have mental time out and you aren’t there to socialise. You also need to put MIL on an info diet and make sure your DH isn’t volunteering information on what you do.
Advise that you want to meet friends and socialise with people your own age.