My mom is a young widow and has remained in the home she shared with my father. When he died, my mom got his life insurance money, paid for funeral etc.It was $150,000 total. Anyway, she started working but only part time, making less that $25,000 per year. No mortgage anymore but it’s a large with property taxes $5000/year. She ended up spending all the life insurance money and fell behind on bills and taxes. I suggested she sell and buy something smaller. My siblings convinced her to stay in the home but that we would subsidize her. My mom obtained a home equity line of credit and used that to pay off her unpaid taxes.6 years later and her mother passed away and she inherits ($60,00) money from the sale of her home. My mom has spent that money in less than 5 years trying to keep herself afloat. My sister lives with her and pays $800/montg. My brother also lives there and pays for internet, takes care of the outside stuff and whatever else he can afford. My other sister and myself have our own homes and families. I was against my mom keeping a home she clearly couldn’t afford but I went with it because I was overruled and gave my mom money to help offset some bills. It has been almost 5 years now and my sister (not the one who lives with mom) told us our mom made $13,000 last year and asked if we could to send money monthly. She had to cut her hours due to a workplace injury. I suggested her finding another area at her work that was not physically demanding so she can increase her hours. I said that I think she should sell her house and move in with my family and I. I suggested she sell the house, lock up the money, and live off her paycheque until she reaches retirement age (9 years). I wouldn’t charge her rent. Everyone is not in agreement and think we should subsidize her income until she retires, sell & move in with one of her kids, live off of house sale and pension. I have the mentality that if u cannot afford it, u don’t do it or buy it. My sisters tell me that my mom would not move in with me. I know it’s not ideal but when u don’t have many choices u can’t be super picky. I was told it was a tough love approach and that they’d rather give her money due to shit cards our mom has been dealt in life. it’s not tough love,I was offering for her to move into my home. I understand it’s not perfect but I think it’s silly to remain in a home u cannot maintain. as usual I am the odd one out and nobody agrees with me. I am just thinking long term and subsidizing her home for 9 years until she retires doesn’t make sense. Am I wrong? I’ve also requested that we have a meeting in person because I don’t know all the details of her finances, only my sister does and I’m just going by what she’s telling me. I asked that we all get together and discuss things and come up with solutions to bring up to our mother and ultimately it would be her decision.I have not received a response as to when we could meet to discuss.
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My mom is a young widow and has remained in the home she shared with my father. When he died, my mom got his life insurance money, paid for funeral etc.It was $150,000 total. Anyway, she started working but only part time, making less that $25,000 per year. No mortgage anymore but it’s a large with property taxes $5000/year. She ended up spending all the life insurance money and fell behind on bills and taxes. I suggested she sell and buy something smaller. My siblings convinced her to stay in the home but that we would subsidize her. My mom obtained a home equity line of credit and used that to pay off her unpaid taxes.6 years later and her mother passed away and she inherits ($60,00) money from the sale of her home. My mom has spent that money in less than 5 years trying to keep herself afloat. My sister lives with her and pays $800/montg. My brother also lives there and pays for internet, takes care of the outside stuff and whatever else he can afford. My other sister and myself have our own homes and families. I was against my mom keeping a home she clearly couldn’t afford but I went with it because I was overruled and gave my mom money to help offset some bills. It has been almost 5 years now and my sister (not the one who lives with mom) told us our mom made $13,000 last year and asked if we could to send money monthly. She had to cut her hours due to a workplace injury. I suggested her finding another area at her work that was not physically demanding so she can increase her hours. I said that I think she should sell her house and move in with my family and I. I suggested she sell the house, lock up the money, and live off her paycheque until she reaches retirement age (9 years). I wouldn’t charge her rent. Everyone is not in agreement and think we should subsidize her income until she retires, sell & move in with one of her kids, live off of house sale and pension. I have the mentality that if u cannot afford it, u don’t do it or buy it. My sisters tell me that my mom would not move in with me. I know it’s not ideal but when u don’t have many choices u can’t be super picky. I was told it was a tough love approach and that they’d rather give her money due to shit cards our mom has been dealt in life. it’s not tough love,I was offering for her to move into my home. I understand it’s not perfect but I think it’s silly to remain in a home u cannot maintain. as usual I am the odd one out and nobody agrees with me. I am just thinking long term and subsidizing her home for 9 years until she retires doesn’t make sense. Am I wrong? I’ve also requested that we have a meeting in person because I don’t know all the details of her finances, only my sister does and I’m just going by what she’s telling me. I asked that we all get together and discuss things and come up with solutions to bring up to our mother and ultimately it would be her decision.I have not received a response as to when we could meet to discuss.
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> I think my mom should sell her home because she can’t afford to maintain it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your mom is trying to keep a house that she can’t afford to maintain. Your siblings could all ruin their own financial futures by trying to help her.
As you noted, you need to sit down with your mom in person and review her financial information. Then, you can help her make a plan to sell the home and move forward in a direction that makes sense.
NTA. Maybe one solution here is stop sending your Mum money. She’ll either have to adapt, or her other kids who want to support her current choices can chip in more.
NTA. I can understand family members wanting to keep the house, especially if there are memories of your father/childhood attached to it. That said, it seems like you are the only one that is trying to be financially responsible in terms of your mom here. It’s clear she cannot afford the house with her current job, and I don’t think it’s realistic to just expect all of her kids to pay her bills until she retires. You mention a workplace injury- is it bad enough that she couldn’t perform another job that makes as much or more than she is currently making?
It might help to get an outside opinion from a financial advisor. Maybe that would persuade your siblings.
NTA. It would seem that at least two of your siblings have a vested interest in keeping the home as they are living there at a greatly reduced cost.
I feel like you are slightly the asshole, hear me out. It can be very humiliating to move back in with your kid because you can’t afford something. If she wants to do something or if she needs help she will ask. I know you believe you are just trying to help, but when she says no you have to respect that. You should I think just lay off a bit, she doesn’t want to be lectured by her kid.
NTA. Your brother and sister are the ones that benefit the most from staying there. They should be paying rent in the cost of 1/3 of the taxes, fees, insurance, as well as utilities.
It’s great when kids feel safe they can go back home, but if mom can’t afford the house then the rent to those who live there need to go up. Sure give them a break on market rent but right now they’re taking advantage of the situation and expecting you and the other siblings to foot the bill.
What your sister pays in rent would cover the property taxes and then some.
Something isn’t right here.
It sounds morel like your mom isn’t very good at saving her money.
I suggest a financial plan first.
Your sister AND brother should both be paying rent. That money should go into an account maintained by and managed by you. Use that money to pay for taxes and things that house needs to keep maintained.
Mom can have a separate account from her part time job that she uses for food and other things.
Wow OP I’m so sorry about all of this. I completely empathize with your mom. It’s really hard maintaining finances and a home. I agree with the other commenters, your siblings need to chip in and pay rent, your mom needs to meet with a financial planer or have someone help her, and also agre that no you are NTA. I hope it gets better for everyone involved. I’m rooting for her!
NTA I’m guessing our siblings are spending her money big time and don’t want the gravy train to stop by having her move in with you and find out what’s been going on. The math ain’t matching and I’m surprised you haven’t figured that out yet. I would tell them that unless mom moves in with you you’re done subsidizing. Then try and have a private convo with mom to see where the moneys really going.
NTA are you sure your mom is in the financial straights they claim? It sounds like your sister pays enough to cover the taxes and with 3 people living there the utilities and food should be taken care of easily. Does your brother pay? Is your mom spending on stuff she can’t afford like vacations or purses or something? Getting all the financial information from all parties and having a family meeting about it needs to be the first step. If there’s no mortgage, even with your mom working so little, they shouldn’t be hurting this badly unless no everyone is pitching in. Everyone being everyone who lives there, not all siblings.
I am going to go with slight YTA (as well as your siblings) because all of you are acting like your mom doesn’t have any agency in this. And you are complaining that over the course of living she spent what amounts to a very small amount of inheritance. 60000 five years ago is 12000/yr. 150,000 however long ago once funeral expenses and other death costs are taken out is about the same.
And then there is the “mom will move in with me” as if that is up to you. Your mom may not want to live with you. It sounds like she has expressed that she doesn’t want to live with you.
Your mom is just financially irresponsible, she needs guidance and a budget (and to learn to stick to it).
Regardless of what happens, you need a full audit of money in and money out – whether she’s living with you or you’re sending money.
Unless there’s a lot of maintenance and she’s paying utilities (which should be shared) out if the rent, then the taxes + insurance should be covered. The rent probably needs to go up and utilities should be split. Also who is doing maintenance? Your sister should be doing something there since she’s directly benefitting.
NTA. How could your mom moving in with a kid work when she’s got two adult children loving with her that can’t cover expenses?
You mom should’ve gone to work full time after being widowed and handled a lot of her finances differently for decades. She needs to learn to live within her means. But the siblings having their lives subsidized by her taking on more debt are going to be against any plan where she’s not continuing to subsidize them.
She needs to get in a financially sound place before retirement, because that will only make it harder to get her stuff sorted out.
NAH. I don’t think there’s a clear picture of your mom’s financial state. Until you have that, there’s no point in making decisions because the plan won’t be feasible.
Your mom probably could use a course in personal finance before she receives any further lump sums, but she definitely needs to supplement her income. Is there a product like a reverse mortgage where your mom would receive a set amount every month? What about a HELOC or mortgage?
Mom sounds plenty young enough to work full time. Guessing she’s only low mid fifties. If she had a work injury workers comp should have paid her something. If she has recovered tell her to get a full time job! Stop enabling her.
The reason you don’t know all the details about her finances is because your siblings are deliberately keeping you in the dark and I suspect that most of that money went to them as “loans” that they haven’t repaid. They are the only ones who benefit from this ridiculous asinine arrangement. You DO need a one on one private conversation with your mother. She’s not a child. She needs to be told explicitly that her spending habits are affecting everyone’s lives and you refuse to subsidise it anymore. The truth will mostly come out. NTA
NTA, but you’re going to lose this argument, and your real decision here is how much you want to contribute to this plan your siblings are pushing on you.
I want to be really clear here. From the outside, it looks really obviously like the brother and sister who live with your mother are taking advantage of the situation. The idea that two of the kids still live there and your mother cannot afford it or maintain it is ludicrous. Your brother pays for nothing? Your sister pays enough to cover the tax? Why are they asking you to contribute here? The kids who are still occupying the home need to be the ones taking care of it, and your mother, because otherwise there is a huge conflict of interest in their votes to keep mom in the home.
I can’t recommend that you not contribute to your mother’s income. I wouldn’t be able to just leave my mother in the lurch or leave her to my siblings either. But it’s time for a discussion about the home as your mother’s asset and not as the free/cheap dwelling your siblings are using it as. The people who live there need to pay for the house and for your mother, unless you agree that they have good reasons for not doing so.
I’m trying really hard not to be harsh here, OP, but the idea that your mother HAS to work at all, while two of her children still live in her home is absolutely making me upset. She should be working to keep herself active and make her own money for her own needs, but paying for the home? Paying household bills? Ages matter here, OP, and if your siblings were teens or kids, maybe we give them a pass, but if your mother is nine years from retirement, they can’t be that young, right?
Sounds like everyone, accept for you, are extremely lacking when it comes to money management skills.
Personally, I would atop subsidizing her life right now. If she refuses to make changes to accommodate her situation, you have ZERO obligation to keep throwing money down the drain. They are taking advantage of you and it needs to be stopped.
NTA.
Nta. Walk away. With no mortgage and what your sister pays in rent, there is ZERO reason your mom can’t stay afloat. She’s wasting it somewhere. And until you and your siblings figure out what she’s spending it on, stop giving her money. Pay bills directly if your siblings need to, but don’t give your mom the money.
You need a financial advisor or CPA because the numbers aren’t adding up. Your mom should be able to afford the house but money is obviously going somewhere. Before you give any more money, that needs to be figured out
It sounds as though your mother and two of your siblings live there. If the three of them can’t split costs to the point where it’s affordable, it’s not.
It won’t be easier for her to leave when she retires.
Offering to have her live with you is a very bad idea. You’re not used to living with her and both of you will feel cramped.
NTA for not wanting to continue to subsidize your mother and two siblings.