This was the message I sent MIL after she tried to pick kids up without our permission from daycare and tried to enter our home while we were away to oil our deck
Hi x
Both x and I feel that there have been boundaries that have been overstepped. In light of this we request that you do not enter our home when we are not here.
For the time being there will be no babysitting or day care pickups. When we do visit you it will be the four of us as a family unit. We also ask that you do not monopolise x’s time at A’s party and give him the opportunity to interact with others
We haven’t made these decisions lightly and do not intend to hurt you. This is about setting clear expectations for everybody’s well-being. These expectations are not up for discussion. We would have talked about this in person however we want
to keep As stress levels down due to his illness.
We trust that you will respect our decision as a family unit
She flipped. Said it was a gross overreaction and cut us off for a bit. She attended our daughters bday and we attended her 60th as we felt not attending would cause a blow up. Since then we haven’t seen her in a month
She asked hubby to come around and discuss it with him. He went and she laid into him for half an hour and then requested a meeting with all 3 of us
She asked hubby if he knew I sent the message. When he said yes and he approved the text and he agrees she looked shocked. She stated it’s impacting her health and was saying why are you doing this? Hubby kept redirecting and saying we need to talk about this together
So now a meeting with the 3 of us. She says she doesn’t understand the message. She wants us to tell her what it means and what she’s done wrong. I know the general advice here is not to go to the meeting but I feel like I have to. She lives 5 mins away, if we don’t go she’ll be banging on our door
This isn’t a dig because I don’t like her but I feel like she genuinely is clueless and needs things spelled out to her. I plan on going in and saying hubby and I are a team, we agree on these boundaries and any messages being sent. These boundaries are not up for debate and she needs to make peace with it. Basically reinforcing the message, staying calm and not getting into it. If she asks why do I give her examples or do I just stick to the script and keep it to the point? I know she’s going to flip out either way but she’ll be clawing for answers and then denying it ever happened
On a lighter note I had a dream she was sitting on my bed watching me sleep and I woke up saying FFS MIL this is exactly what I’m talking about 😂
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/kiwigirlie:
Go Oil Someone Else’s Deck, 5 days ago
Low Contact – Child asking to see JNMIL, 1 week ago
MIL on pregnancy losses, 2 weeks ago
Starting to feel guilty for low contact, 3 weeks ago
Deck Oiling MIL and abandonment, 4 weeks ago
Deck Oiling MIL – Her Bday, 1 month ago
I win one but hubby loses, 1 month ago
Deck Oiling MIL – daughters bday party, 1 month ago
Deck Oiling MIL Again, 1 month ago
Update on oil decking MIL, 1 month ago
^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) ^(click here)
^(To be notified as soon as kiwigirlie posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe kiwigirlie JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
YOU CANNOT ENTER OUR HOME WHEN WE ARE NOT THERE.
YOU CANNOT PICK UP OUR KIDS.
I don’t know how to make that more clear.
I’m pretty alarmed she tried to pick up the kids from daycare and no one alerted you. If she hadn’t blurted it out you wouldn’t have known. If you hadn’t of removed her from approved pick up you wouldn’t have known until you went to pick up your kids. That kind of overstepping definitely needs addressing.
Does she not get it or does she not accept it? She thinks you’re overreacting, so she gets it. But you’ve been fair and clear and she keeps feigning ignorance and pushing boundaries because she feels it is her right that she is entitled to do as she pleases in your home and with your family.
She is claiming this is bad for her health? What about your husband’s health? Her needs depend on extracting what she can from you, your needs are for autonomy and space. She isn’t going to accept anything you say.
What are your goals? What do you hope up achieve. Knowing who she is and how she acts, how do you think she will respond? How will you react to her tears/ screaming/ outburst?
I don’t think the talk will do good. It won’t stop her from banging on your door at a later date but calling the cops will.
Before you saw anything else to her, lead off by telling her that all you are doing is explaining the rules. Make sure you set the expectation at the beginning that you’re not negotiating and that the rules will not be changing. Then remind her that her behavior going forward will have an effect on your relationship with her.
Otherwise, keep things on topic. The less room you give her, the harder it will be for her to wiggle out of this.
It seems to me like you DID spell it out for her. The message was very clear.
If she comes banging on your door, I would write a follow-up saying, “that’s not acceptable behavior by an adult. We won’t respond to bullying. Please call or text to set up a time to meet that is convenient for all of us. Further unacceptable behavior will be met with (x response).”
Setting boundaries is the easy part. Dealing with their crash outs, etc. after is the hard part. Much like a toddler tantrum, you have to calmly hold your ground until they wear themselves out.