So I (22f) been seeing this guy (28m) for like six weeks. He’s very sweet and nice. Last week we planned to have sex and he couldn’t get hard. He still gave me oral to satisfy me. We did talk about it afterwards and he told me that he was nervous to have sex because it would’ve been the first time in two years and he doesn’t have a lot of experience. I told him that he doesn’t need to be nervous with me, I don’t want a performance in the bedroom. Now I’m seeing him this weekend and I’m wondering if I should initiate intimacy …I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or seem like a pest…..should I ask him if he’s ready to try again or no?
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Do not ask questions which put force on him (are you ready to try again or no?)
Ask questions which are at least paprtially open and give an easy entry and the option to exit at any point.
“Do you want to cuddle/should I take my top off?”
“If you want to get intimate again, just let me know. I’m happy both ways, you can decide”
If you geniuenely like it, ask if you can also offer him something.
If/where he likes to be touched.
Sounds like he isn’t feeling confident. I’d take the lead if I were you, don’t give him time to overthink anything. Lots of compliments and skin touching. Assuming he’s consenting, obviously.
I think it’s best to be really direct and clear but not forceful. It sounds really cringey but if while hanging out your in the mood you can just extended the offer “Hey I’m in the mood/horny would you like to join me. If not would you like to watch me take care of myself?” This is clear and straightforward consent language. But it also shows that you are a person with sexual agency and you’d like to share that with this person who gets you excited. Good way to shift any and all pressure from penetration as you can ofc still have fantastic sex that doesn’t involve a penis. Telling him this lets him know not only that you want to have sex with him but that sex with him can be many things and take many forms. Might still take him time to feel at ease and that’s okay but you will still have fun sexy times that don’t center around his dick. Good luck and he will 100 percent appreciate the considerations and kindness. May even open up his mind to the idea that sex can be so many other things then penetration and that does not make him a failure or anything if he can’t get it up.
A makeout sesh is fun whether it leads to anything or not. I say do it.
Put it in your mouth. Take control of the situation.
Take initiative. Be really active and enthusiastic. Maybe try praising him.
also lots of foreplay. don’t just jump on it the second it gets hard.
I would recommend a massage, tease around it even if it’s hard as a rock before fully grabbing and stroking. get him half way there even. it might lead to a slightly shorter session, which again assure him is ok, but once you guys have a successful sex under your belt he’ll know he can do it, and can work on the stamina after. like removing one mental block at a time. it’ll probs be so arousing he’d go for round 2 and ought to last longer then.
Some… “interesting” suggestions here lol.
So as a guy whos been in your guy’s situation but longer I’ll share my perspective and maybe it’ll give you an idea/help. I had been pretty much a shut in by choice for about 5 years, made some friends but that was it. Also a guy whos very high libido so had that working against me as well.
Well at some point a co-worker and good friend of mine suggested we should hang out and play some MTG. Obviously little bit more than that was going on and we spent quite a bit of time getting comfy with each other. First night just cuddling and talking together, no one really making any serious moves. But eventually the time did come and we decided to give it a go. In my mind, this was great. Great woman that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with and hey getting to share my sexual side with that kind of person is even better. Of course, couldn’t get it up. Nervous as fuck and now this, it pretty much sent me into mental panic mode lol. “Oh fuck whats wrong with me/shes gonna leave/shes gonna get hurt or offended or think im not into her etc etc etc”. But thankfully, she was awesome and saw how stressed out I was getting and just let all the air out of the situation with a “awww someone’s nervous!”. We laughed and talked about it and mostly just cuddled/made out naked for a good hour or so with some laughing/bullshitting as well. Decided to try again and didn’t have any problems at all.
Point of the story. If hes nervous thats very real and it obviously makes it very hard to maintain an erection or even get one. I’d imagine he is/was feeling quite a bit of the same. Shame, guilt and all those fun negative feelings because hes there and in the moment but can’t perform. I think the best thing you can do is just talk to him and slowly work on physical contact/comfort.
If he seemed like he was enjoying himself I don’t think you need to do anything differently. I was nervous on my first meetup and had a similar problem, but it was fine the second time round. Her initiating definitely helped as it made me feel more attractive, that’s a big turn on.
If I was in his position I would appreciate you trying again, as long as you don’t mind what the end result will be. Would ahow me you’re still interesting, and he probably just needs more experience with you to become comfortable.
If he’s been using porn over the last two years, he’ll need to stop and slowly get adjusted to actual sex. I had a cold spell during law school and I had the same issue when I finally had time for a sex life again.
It really does happen to everyone sometimes no matter how enthusiastic you are mentally – don’t take it as something that’s your fault. Just take your time with the lead-in, be more casually intimate for a while, give him time to relax and lose some of the nerves. You don’t have a schedule to follow, there’s no rush to whip it out. Don’t jump right to sex even after he does get hard, keep teasing a bit, oral is great but don’t be surprised if it also makes him finish pretty quickly at first.
Just touching him a little through his pants while you’re cuddling can work very well because the pressure to perform isn’t the same as if he was exposed. Feeling shame for having performance issues only makes the chances of anything happening even lower, and I guarantee you that he feels awful about it.
I’ve been married for awhile and my wife is unique that she doesnt want foreplay just penetration.
However i often find it difficult as she doesnt really give foreplays. As a man I wish for more foreplay and time which is short now days due to children
I read a book once (don’t remember which one) that said fellatio is often effective in helping a man get an erection, so maybe you could snuggle and make out and tell him that it seems only fair you return the favor from last week. All he has to do is lay back and enjoy and you’ll take care of everything.