I (38 F) got a divorce a year ago, no kids. I’ve been living with my folks since moving out. While it’s been good living with my folks, they’re wonderful, I’m spending time with them, I’m saving money, etc. I am feeling the negatives of being an adult child living at home with parents and not having a space that is truly my own. I want to move out in the near future.
However, I have never lived in my own. Ive always lived with someone and I’m honestly scared. Physically for my overall safety being a single woman (I regret watching so many true crime shows of single women being targeted). And emotionally for feelings if intense loneliness and isolation (Being alone is a pretty deep fear that I’m working on). Financially it will be tight but not unmanageable. I don’t want a roommate since I do want my own space and have two dogs that are a handful.
I just want to find a small, safe corner of the this world to call my own, be myself, and hopefully thrive in. A place where I can enjoy my plants, follow my interests, and walk my dogs in peace. Any advice on living alone as a woman, words of positivity, anything that can ease my fears and anxiety is welcome. Thank you in advance.
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I get where you’re coming from, it’s a huge step to leave the nest, especially when safety feels like a top concern. But in my experience, being single and owning your own space is incredibly empowering… you’ll discover hidden reservoirs of strength and confidence you didn’t know you had! Plus think about all the time you’ll have to focus on your passions, whether that’s gardening, painting, or just binge-watching your fave shows (no judgment here). And let’s not forget the pride in paying your own bills and making financial decisions without needing anyone else’s input. Of course it won’t be easy at first… but trust me, you’ll figure it out, and when you do, you’ll be unstoppable! So take a deep breath, grab that lease, and get ready to unleash your inner rockstar on the world.
I can only share my experience, but I’ve been living alone for 20+ years now and I don’t think I could ever go back to sharing space with another human. The TVs are mine to control, there is music playing when I want it and not when I don’t, I never have to pick up anyone’s mess but my own (cats don’t count right?), whatever I put in the fridge is still there when I go to get it out, and the vibes are immaculate at all times.
My best advice is to seek the right spot. Pay attention to how easy it is to get into the building or complex and how visible your house or unit is from outside. Make sure the place has actual keys (my last landlord replaced all the locks with fob locks that the office can open at will – NOT SAFE).
If you’re worried about being alone, try to find a place where you can walk to where people are easily. IMO it can be a lot more isolating when you have to drive to get anywhere. If you have walking trails, coffee shops, parks around, you’ll be fine. Just go there 🙂
Look into tiny home communities in your area or close by. A community nearby of like minded folks would make you feel safer. Tiny would be affordable, a mortgage, if any would be very manageable and lower than rent. Youtube is an awesome resource for tiny home living, building, problems, etc.
Always be smart, trust your instincts. Don’t be nice for fear of being perceived “rude” or “emotional” e.g. cross the street, go the other way, etc.
Start small. Now, go out for coffee and a snack alone. Bring a book (not your phone) or a tablet and read or sit outside and enjoy the weather. Go to lunch all by yourself.
Get your dogs trained. They’re going to be good dogs and alert you.
When dating don’t bring men home to your place until after you’ve known them for a long time.
Get some girlfriends. If all you do, get like minded women that will be the ones you text when going out on a new date.
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Been doing it for years and would never go back. First, it’s not ‘safer’ to live with another person in the home, especially when you consider over half of murders are committed by husbands and boyfriends. Maybe explore the propaganda around why you have centered men and equated them with ‘safety’ in your mind. You can easily live in an apartment or condo with a locked building door, several floors up. You will literally be safer living alone. If you want to have additional personal protection like a gun, that’s also an option. It’s more a fear of being alone with yourself than anything.
I’m 37 and not single anymore; but I was a few years ago, after never living in my own, neither
Honestly, it was… peaceful?
When the sorrow of the heartbreak started to fade, I came to a place where it was truly agreeable to live by myself
I had a cat, tho… so, not totally on my own
But I did find it satisfying to be Queen over my Realm
I’m a single woman in my 40s who had lived alone for most of my adult life. I like it. It’s peaceful. Much better than living with my ex.
I feel safe. I have installed security cameras, I have a big dog, I don’t post everything on social media or give out my address to acquaintances, I’ve gotten to know my neighbors.
Living alone is fabulous! I bought a condo in a high-rise with 24/7 security to be safe.
I went from my parents’ home to college to married/living together to divorced after 20 years. I had never lived alone until I was 40. It was scary but that passed and after a while I absolutely loved it. My advice is to respect the part of you that is scared and treat it gently, but to do it anyway and let yourself grow in this way.
I’m moving out on my own again after being with my (ex) partner for nine years. I am in a condo building I really enjoy and have some friends in the building. My dog really helped me to meet other people. It is hard for the first little while but what others are saying about being in charge of everything is so true.
If I want popcorn for dinner, I have popcorn for dinner. If I want to sit on the couch and read a book on a Saturday, I can. I just work to not become isolated. I go into an office two days per week and I make plans to see people. It is totally doable.
Nine years ago, I had lived on my own for quite a few years so I know I can do it. Be proud of yourself when/if you do it. And lock your door.
As someone who easily gets lonely (and still does!), I love living alone. I get to just exist as my whole, true self with all of my embarrassing habits, flaws, aesthetic, media preferences, etc.
Here’s the thing about true crime shows: You are now equipped with so much knowledge of what to do and what not to do. You know the MO of predators.
Aside from the safety recommendations others already gave, I’d say make sure you have hobbies. They don’t even have to be outside the home, although seeing other people will help. Read, craft, make art, garden, exercise, whatever keeps you occupied. Maybe even “schedule” them so you don’t fall into a doomscrolling rut (I’m guilty).
Make a Pinterest board (or whatever method) of your ideal home decor as you slowly build it up – it’s okay to have IKEA furniture as an adult.
I was in your spot a few years ago.
Living alone is so good I don’t think I’ll ever live with another person again. I don’t feel lonely often but I do make it a priority to go out.
You’re in for an adventure, embrace it, and enjoy it. Even when a tough thing needs to be done, it’s on you to handle it. I feel so much more confident in myself now too.
The first piece of advice I’d give you is to stop watching true crime. You’ll automatically be on high alert anyway, especially in the first few months; no need to aggravate it. At first I would hyper-analyze every sound and every creak, but no more.
Now I enjoy it and the mental peace that comes with it! I can cook when I want, play music when I want, do dishes when I want… So much freedom in that as a woman.
There are things you can do to feel more in control: install cameras, do some self-defense classes, do strength training, learn to use a weapon, engage in hobbies… Most of the battle is mental, so these things can help you gain more trust in yourself (different things work for different people). All the best!
It can be weird living on your own at first. Certainly was for me after 13 years of living with my now ex. But once they settled in, started making my home feel more like mine, it just became old hat.
The joy of living alone is something everyone should experience at some point in their lives. You are only responsible for your own mess, you can decorate any way you want, you can have cereal for dinner if you don’t want to cook, and you can spend your time on your hobbies, choose what’s on TV or the stereo, and sleep at your preferred temperature.
We should be our own best friends, and appreciate our own company, too.
Practice situational awareness and basic personal safety. Choose a home that feels safe, has good locks and isn’t on the main floor, maybe has a door person or at least controlled entry. Look for good outdoor lighting, too. Use sliding door locks (or half a hockey stick jammed in the tracks). A safety audit before you move in, and look at the place after dark too, before you sign a lease. Organize “i’m home safely” texts with friends when you go out. And when you live alone, you can go out with friends anytime you want company, or have friends over, in your PJs if you wish.
And you can practice enjoying your own company. Travel, see a movie or take yourself out for dinner. My friends and I joke that it’s not weird if we carry a book – but it’s not weird, regardless.
Dude, it’s the greatest. ‘Love coming home and throwing the deadbolt, leaving the world outside.
Basic common sense has kept me safe.
I’ll give you a different way of looking at the issue of safety while living alone. When you live alone, there’s no one else to forget to lock doors or close windows. There’s no one else to forget to set the alarm. There’s no one else to decide to sell something on Facebook and invite randoms onto your property to pick up those items.
I’m 50 and I’ve lived alone my entire adult life. It’s honestly great. I have four dogs, a security system, and cameras. Up until few months ago I never had even a slight scare. In April I had a guy jump over my back gate door and walk around my property at about 1 AM. He didn’t care about the cameras, but definitely didn’t try to get into my house. Didn’t even touch or so much as look into any of my doors or windows. Most likely was looking for a bike that was left outside or something he could easily grab like a toolbox. I live in a “super safe” small-ish town, after moving here from a “dangerous” city, where I lived for 20 years.
Yeah, it freaked me out. So I had my handyman install landscaping lights and bright motion detection lights. It also helps to know your neighbors and many of mine have given me their numbers and said if I ever need anything, to call them, knowing I live alone. You’ve already got two dogs, which is great-you’ve got a leg up.
In terms of true crime, while this is very depressing, statistically most women are harmed by romantic partners, not strangers.
Safety wise it’s not different. It’s the same things you should have been doing while living at home/ with others. The one thing I would focus on is buying or renting in a neighborhood you feel safe in. Drive by at night. How’s the lighting? Are shrubs maintained? Don’t settle for a cheaper place at the expense of feeling safe.
My friend’s business partner is a single woman who has had the same housemate (F) for more than 25 years. They’re not a couple, they are friends. They have separate lives but enjoy each other’s company. I’m not clear on the economics but it shouldn’t be more expensive than living alone. Just a thought – why live alone if you don’t want to?
I LOVED living alone. The mess was nobody’s fault but mine. Things were exactly as I wanted them. I had absolute control and absolute peace in my space. Decorate how I wanted. Have a party. Be completely alone. Cook an elaborate meal. Eat girl dinner. Be naked whenever I wanted.
For security, a doorbell camera and a good deadbolt. The best deterrent in my opinion is a dog, but that’s not on its own a good reason to do so. Get to know your neighbors and look out for each other.
The security thing is overrated IMO. Statistically there’s way less violence in general than there used to be.
There is a delightful book from the 1930s called Live Alone and Like It. I think you might enjoy reading it!
I’ve lived mostly alone ever since I was 19, I am 25 now and firstly I wanna encourage you to definitely not pursue finding a roommate because from my experience, and from the experience of many people in my life, it’s usually awful, people tend to be messy, irresponsible with paying the rent/bills, plus if the relationship gets hostile, it’s always very difficult to have to be around someone you don’t feel comfortable with. So finding a flat for yourself would be the best option if it’s possible. I would also encourage you to socialize as much as you can, the biggest problem for me is lack of friendships ever since I’ve moved and living alone plus not having anyone to meet up with really, really sucks. If you’re an active person join clubs, make friends etc.
As for safety, I am not sure where you live and what kind of neighborhood it would be but definitely be mindful not to leave the door unlocked, windows should also be closed, be careful when you’re returning home at night and don’t be too friendly with the men that live in your vicinity lol. Otherwise it’s awesome tbh, you eat when and what you want, cleaning only after yourself, you can decorate however you want, have friends over and listen to music on the speakers, organize parties or gatherings 🙂
I remember my first places at 18/19
I didn’t live alone – but I was often the first to move in and have the place to myself for a few days or weeks before everyone arrived, I remember those nights in my first house and apartment distinctly – it’s definitely unsettling when you’re used to always having people around
Like any challenge or discomfort, you’ll overcome by doing
The dogs should help, combined with a locked door you’re likely safe enough, it’ll just take a night or two for your nerves to settle in a new place
Good luck
When I lived alone I would try to get to know the people who live next to me. I wouldn’t say we were close, but being friendly and chatting with them every once in a while made me feel that if I ever needed something they would help, and it helped me feel less isolated. They could kinda look out for me. I would play music a lot at home, which made me feel less isolated too, as sometimes the silence would bother me at first. Also there’s no shame in living with your parents as an adult, it sounds like it was healthy.