I’ve realized whenever I have new people (new friends, dates) over in one on one situations, there’s an awkward five minutes or so when they first arrive of what exactly to do. Let’s set the scene:
I invite someone over to watch a movie!
They arrive, I open the door, “hi so happy you’re here come in!”
They come in, maybe set down a purse or take off shoes and thennnn silence or awkward so uhhh how was your day?
It’s weird because you have an activity planned but you don’t jump straight into that activity, but if you both go sit in the living room it feels like an interview or a therapy appt at the start haha.
I only notice this with new people the first 1-3 times they come over. After that it’s much more chill and we can either get straight into an activity or comfortably chit chat.
My best avoidance for this is to be doing dishes/putting dishes up when they first arrive. So, it’s more like “hi, come in! I’m just finishing up some dishes but make yourself comfy” and they can come in without being stared at and I can chat from the kitchen and any awkward silence doesn’t feel as awkward. Then I finish up in a few minutes and it’s like cool you’re all comfy now, let’s continue our convo or it feels like a good point to start whatever activity.
My problem is I can only do so many dishes lol, so do you have any other ways you deal with this?
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It’s okay for it to feel that way, we all have to settle in and adjust to each other’s vibes and the transition between having had a plan, organizing it, starting it, etc. It’s ok for this feeling to be there, there’s nothing wrong with it at all! It feels this way for me, too, and I find just leaning into it and letting it be there is more helpful because it tends to fade pretty soon, as you’ve described 🙂
Have something cooking, or a bottle of something to open. Show them in, invite them to have a seat anywhere, tell them a bit about your day and that you’re happy to see them.
My little cousin (15) makes her friends run circles with her around the coffee table for the length of a song of their choosing when they come over. It’s funny as hell.
Offer them something to drink. Do you have snacks? Let them know that snacks are available. Or say, have a seat and let me get out the cheese and crackers now that you’re here.
Have a topic of conversation ready in your back pocket for when you sit down – something to ask them about. “So you just went on vacation, how was it?” “Didn’t you mention you were going out to dinner last weekend? Did you like it?” “How’s work been lately?”
Usually by that point the awkwardness is starting to dissappear.
Offer them a drink or snack. I usually have stuff set up when I’m expecting people, so it’s readily available and easy to offer. Also, having background music helps cover any awkward silences, especially if it fits the mood of whatever you invited people over for (Italian music if you’re serving pizza or pasta, fun Latin music for taco night, etc.).
It’s a new environment. They are taking it in and figuring out where to go and what to do. After they’ve been there s few times they are more comfortable. I always is that time to show them where things are and how things work. I.e. bathroom is down the hall on the left, snacks on the bar, and we’re hanging out in the den, what would you like to drink? Takes up the ‘awkward time’ and gives the guests all the info they needs to be more comfortable.
Just a bit of nattering will smooth the transition.
Oh here, let me take your coat, you can put your bag there is you want, please feel free to kick your shoes off, would you like a glass of water, here’s the bathroom if you need it.
Or get an excitable dog and they will handle this part.
You could also say “hey come in make urself comfy, just have to change my laundry real fast and then I’m all yours!” Or use the bathroom, respond to a work email, etc.
Or, you could just do a classic “omg it’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were working on this project/job/internship/novel/sweater right? How is that going for ya?” And just let them take the floor and yap. Bc most times the ppl coming over are wayyy more awkward than the host, but I’ve always found a good excuse to yap eliminates awkwardness immediately.
I think it’s customary in some countries to offer someone a beverage when they first visit your home. Whether it’s alcoholic, tea or even water depends on the context but this gives you a few minutes to prepare while your guest settles down. I get that some people loathe small talk but you really have to put in some effort to get to know the bare minimum from someone new. Talk about the weather, weekend plans, holidays, current events, maybe even give them a tour of the house!
You have to show them where the bathrooms are.
Food and drink are always a good space and awkwardness filler.
“Hey, so good to see you. Thanks for coming over. Can I get you something to drink?” and then “Are you hungry? I have chips, salsa and guacamole” Then you bring your snacks and drink into whatever room you’re going to do your activity in (if they’re not there already) and you can chat and snack for a few minutes until you’re ready to move on to the activity.
Ask them about their day, their week, their job/school, if they have any upcoming vacation plans (you don’t have to ask all of those, but just asking one question can help get someone talking sometimes).
Personally I wouldn’t be doing dishes when my guest arrives, as a guest it feels like you’ve walked in on someone not being ready for you to be there. The person is coming over to see you and do X, there’s no reason why you can’t go to the room you’re going to do X in and chat for a few. A snack and a drink help give a little buffer/space.
The first time, I give them a little tour. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, so it’s a short tour, but “Here’s the kitchen, the bathroom is over there, and here’s my shelf of books and pictures.” I tell them who’s who in my family, and I pick one of the pictures of me doing things with my friends. I went parasailing with one of my college buddies and the guys on the boat took pictures and just as we’re lifting off she has this wide-eyed look of shock which made a good picture.
Another thing you can do is be clearing off the coffee table and setting up the pillows on the sofa and say “Just finishing off the last little bits, have a seat while I put these away.”
“Hey, thanks for coming. The living room (or area where you’re watching the movie) is here. Make yourselves comfortable, I’ll get some drinks. What are you having? I’ve got X, Y, and Z, and if you don’t want alcohol I’ve got some A and B.” Go get the drinks and bring them out. Have some snacks or a buffet already arranged. Please make sure to have napkins. Then depending on the activity, sit down with your guests and chat for a few.
People need to be invited IN and invited to SIT and told where stuff like food is.
What about humor?
“Do you want to see the dungeon now or later?”
Then,
“Haha I’m just kidding. Nobody sees the dungeon from the outside.”
OP I’m sorry to tell you this, but all these reasonable, polite, and pro-social replies are all wrong. The REAL key to avoid the awkwardness is to have something in your living space that immediately draws attention and can become a topic of polite conversation.
For example, when I placed my bespoke crab-fighting arena in my entryway I noticed that there were no longer any awkward silences among my guests, only a cacophony of enthusiastic cheers as my friends and family wagered large sums of cash to watch two of my many crabs battle it out in a gladiatorial style (the crabs are well-compensated ofc so no worries). The conversations flow naturally from there.
Other ideas you can use (pls don’t use my crab-fighting idea, I worked hard on it thx) include the following: deploy a Roomba that accelerates to approximately 30 MPH in short and unpredictable bursts, hire a mariachi band that only plays covers of Rage Against the Machine, set a small fire and be actively putting it out when your guests arrive, or purchase a life-size butter sculpture of Miley Cyrus as a conversation piece. These are guaranteed methods of avoiding those pesky and awkward silences.
No need to thank me, good luck.
“Hi,, come in…yeah want me to take your coat? Can I get you a drink?coffee? Please come in and sit down. How was your day?…..”…asking them about their day gives you lots of secondary questions…so what do you do for work?…. Where did you go? …..oh that sounds stressful, did you get it sorted? Etc
Hand them a drink or snack, or ask them to help do something simple like open a bottle of a drink, or help prep a snack. I guess there are other things that aren’t drink or snack related but… I mean drinks and snacks are great.
“would you like a tour of the place?”
“heres the fridge and snack drawer, tv, etc. help yourself.”
proceed to point out a few knick knacks and recount stories you have around your home.
This is where my hospitality background can come in to help!
Try using the word “welcome”
It is extremely inviting to the receiver and, the giver of that greeting feels more inclined to make them as comfortable as possible. It’s just psychology.
So greet them at the door as you normally would, and after you close the door behind them? Go ahead and say “welcome to my home!” Maybe even with your arms out, and then point out where the bathroom is for them so that they don’t feel trapped in the living room because in a brand new space? That’s exactly how people feel which is why the energy is weird.
Then immediately offer them something to make them more comfortable instead of going to sit down on the couch. Let them go sit on the couch. But go ahead and ask “can I get you anything? Do you want water?”
This makes them feel like they are allowed to relax and their own energy will start to be shared by yours. If you know that you both enjoy drinking have a couple of wine glasses out on the coffee table and this will give you an excuse to walk off some of your jitters as you go to the kitchen and grab The bottle and then pour them just a tiny bit in the glass. If they want more you’ll notice because they have finished it.
I also recommend having music playing, not too loud, but something that feels a little upbeat or relaxing without being sleepy.
The next words after getting them settled should be, “can I get you anything to drink? Water, wine, beer…” whatever you have on hand. Taking care of that and maybe some light snacks fills a few more minutes and offers the chance for a comment or two on your decor or your pets or something. From there, it’s usually pretty smooth sailing. We start to chat about whatever came up, find ourselves seats, and then when we’re ready, can move into the reason they came.
And if there’s nothing that interesting to comment on, find some decor that really speaks to you. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Anyone walking in my house can comment certain my cats, interesting furniture pieces, the rock collection, art glass, surrealist prints, models, books and more, and there is a story to tell, an interest to talk about, or something, which invites them to share. Charges are they comment on something they like or relate to, so my response allows them to talk about their interest.
If I’m living somewhere interesting at the moment I’ll give a little tour like show them rooms, the backyard, cool things around the house, hobby stuff we have in common, whatever depending on the person. Usually the conversation can keep rolling after the hellos because they’ll comment on things around the house. If I’m not and my living area is boring then at least an immediate mini tour, like there’s the bathroom, here’s the kitchen, would you like a drink?
Idk I just find it easy to go “let me show you around real quick” vs awkwardly sitting down on the couch or whatever. If giving a tour feels weird for you, have something going on in the kitchen and take them straight there, show them what you made for snacks or whatever and offer them something.
It helps if you know things about this person and can show them stuff they would like, but it works generally for all people and I find makes them feel comfortable quicker since you led into something casual that has topics to bring up for both people. People love looking around a living space, we’re all nosy in that kind of way lol.
Immediately offer guests a drink – cup of tea or coffee if it’s cold outside, glass of water, cold drink if it’s hot outside. Snacks are also a nice thing to have laid out.
Get them something to drink. Tea, ice water, a soda, or if it’s in the evening something a bit more potent.
What does this have to do with the sub?
Hey friend nice to see you! Come on in! Can I take your coat? Have you guys been here before? Let me give you the tour. The washroom is just (wherever it is). Can i get you something to drink? We’ve also got some snacks set up here in the kitchen, come on over this way. Ice? No? You? Alright! So hey, you look great! What’s new? What’s going on?
My parents hosted a lot
Don’t know if it’s considered weird or not, but maybe a mini-tour of your home, if you have a cool piece or collection of something you might wanna show aswell.