I can’t orgasm from sex, I don’t know why I just can’t. That doesn’t bother me at all because the intimacy and fun is what I enjoy about sex. I always feel satisfied after.
Yet every man I’ve been with seems to get quite insecure about the fact they can’t make me orgasm, how do I assure them that it’s ok? Why do they think like this?
Comments
Because we’ve been told all our lives it’s our failure if you don’t.
We ain’t always having orgasms.
People focus too much on the destination to actually enjoy the journey.
Their loss, I guess.
maybe you can come up with a really bad joke that makes him laugh and forget about his insecurity
Some people simply don’t like having sex with someone who doesn’t cum. They need to acknowledge this and move on instead of letting it escalate into an insecurity.
There are a lot of reasons for the reasons behind the thoughts. Some of it is empathetic (sex is so mind blowingly wonderful for us, that we really REALLY want to share that and give that same experience to our partner), and some of it is just cultural. A woman not reaching climax is really stigmatized these days as being a poor partner or bad in bed or otherwise just generally shameful and is always entirely the man’s fault.
Not sure how to reassure him though… My wife is the same as you, and it took me years to mostly get past it (and even now I occasionally fantasize about being able to change that for her), and mostly it was just me reading and getting to know her. At a certain point I just had to accept that her pleasure was more important to me than it was to her, and not to project my wants for her onto her, and respect that she just enjoys different aspects for different reasons and that’s ok and doesn’t take any value away from our intimacy or anything. It helps that I had enough prior experience to be reasonably sure it wasn’t just a me thing. If my wife had been my first, I’m not sure I would have been able to ever get past it the way I have, truth be told.
The only way I can orgasm from intercourse is with a vibrator. I don’t want to be rubbed for 20 min??
I used to fake it but that was counterintuitive…
I just explain that I can be satisfied without an orgasm. If they want to get me off then foreplay is the way to go
This sub has plenty of posts espousing the idea that it’s not acceptable if the man fails to get you there. (The bigger question behind that is whether one’s needs are being met. It sounds like yours are)
I enjoy get my partners offs, it’s a huge boost for me and my orgasms. But a simple conversation with me would clear it up. If you are still enjoying then that’s all that matters 🤙
Tbh I think some men might juat be used to women who fake it??
Can you, at all? Ideally, this is an exploration between two willing partners, of each other.
You absolutely do not have to enjoy what your partner THINKs you should enjoy. And, on the other hand, you should know what turns you on and communicate that to your partner.
It may take a lot of time and patience to find what works. You’ll both need to be patient.
I had a ‘live together’ g/f when we were young who said she couldn’t at all, no matter what or who. But I patiently explored with her consent and over time we worked up to it.
Guys used to tell me there was something wrong with me because “all the other women came”. Fuck them!
your guys have fragile ego/pride. makes them feel like their member isnt big enough. im sure porn plays a large part in it as well
I think i read that most women can’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse. And something sizable minority have never had an orgasm at all. Regardless of how accurate my memory is, know in these convos that you are very very within the norm here.
I feel like telling men “I never orgasm from sex” is always taken as some sort of personal challenge, not an acceptance of fact. In the past I’ve told guys “I love sex and it’s always fun for me, so I don’t get hung up on timing or anything like that”. Avoiding any hint of the O word helps refocus it a bit.
This irritates me to no end too. Had a guy decide he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I didn’t climax our first time together. wtf, I was nervous! I told him I probably wasn’t going to climax! Not even wanting to give it another try was seriously hurtful and showed he didn’t actually give a shit about me and my enjoyment, only about his ego and how it made him feel. It’s my orgasm to have or not have. If I say I’m content, even if I didn’t climax, that should be good enough!
[removed]
For a lot of men sex is performative. There was a great scene in when Harry met Sally Billy Crystal says
“Had my dream again where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’d nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.”
One of the best parts about that movie is hidden behind this kind of light rom com is a pretty comprehensive breakdown of male psychology and in this case over decades emotional growth.
I’m a straight man and I can’t orgasm from sex. Most of my partners have been very upset by this. So it goes both ways.
> How do I assure them that it’s okay?
You can’t. They will feel how they feel. You can tell them, “Look. Here we are together and I’m having a good time. If that’s not enough, you can take off.”
> Why do men obsess on this?
Because most of the information we get about sex during our formative years is from lying braggarts. And then there’s porn which shows an entirely false view of human sexuality. Just set the boundary. “If you want someone to act like a pornstar, hire a sex worker. If you want to be with a nice woman who actually gives a s*** about you, STFU and go with the flow.”
HTH some of us can be retrained. The jury’s still out on me but I’m trying.
Tell ’em to read “She Comes First”.
I feel like I’ve only encountered two types of men:
Those who use a woman’s body as fleshlight, get off, roll over, and fall asleep. And,
Those who view a woman’s body as something to conquer or control, and a woman’s climax as a way to dominate and boost their own ego.
If they can’t respect your boundaries and desires around sex, they’re probably not wanting you to climax for you.
Bought my GF a very expensive vibrator today. After trying it out she basically said… why are you here?
And who can blame her!
Exactly, and they’ve been lied to so many times by women who fake orgasms. Then they treat you like you’re broken. Meanwhile, you don’t even care if it happens or not.
Its because they would never ever do what you do which is engage in sex for the intimacy. They want to get off. End of story. They’d figure out a way for you to get them off and demand that if the tables were turned. That’s why.
Too many of these men have had women fake orgasms or claim they orgasmed just to be done with sex. OR the men assume the woman orgasmed and never bothered to actually confirm that. While I have never faked an orgasm (I feel like that does a disservice to all women, not just myself), I did once, many years ago, tell a guy I came just to get done with it, he was rubbing me raw. I’ve had waaayyy more men just assume I’ve orgasmed. And when I was younger (I’m 50 BTW) I was not good as advocating for myself or speaking up. I was also socialized to “not make men feel insecure or bad about their performance”. Fuck that, its a lifetime of never hearing that they don’t know what they are doing that got us here.
The last guy I was with claimed that I was only the second woman he met that couldn’t orgasm from sex and was convinced that he could make me cum with his magic dick. He never did. He was good at oral, but never did it long enough to get me there (plus perimenopause has made orgasming harder, I need a lot more foreplay, which he didn’t do much of after the first couple times we slept together). I started getting self conscious (making even harder to orgasm) because he would tell me how that had never happened to him before and making me feel like there was something wrong with me. (We broke up pretty quickly, in part because he was really good at questioning everything I did, making me feel inadequate. Also, his mask came off in full force at the end and he got verbally abusive during our last fight. Asshat.)
The one before that was bewildered when I told him – after sleeping with him several times – that I never orgasm from penetration alone. Literally bewildered, he had no clue I hadn’t orgasmed which made me think he had no clue what a female orgasm looks like. Dude had been married 7 years and went through a number of women after his divorce, supposedly. He was also king of zero foreplay and had no clue how to do oral and was insecure about trying. The one time I got him to try oral, it was super obvious he had only ever seen oral in porn and I gave up. I’m too old to be training men from scratch. I have zero issue telling a guy to adjust what he is doing but having to give him an anatomy lesson first? Nope, nope, nope
(side note: what is it with guys ignoring foreplay nowadays?? Is it because porn never shows it?? Interestingly, both of the above men were 13 years younger than me – the only men I’ve ever dated with such an age gap. Guess I need to stay away from men born in the late 80s)
I’ve had men act like I am defective and men who just didn’t care, as long as they got theirs. And occasionally one who thinks of it as a personal challenge who get frustrated when they can’t do it. None of the above relationships last long because they really don’t care about *me*, just their ego.
Rarely, in my experience at least, you get one who is willing to work with you and do what you need to get there (or let you get there yourself/with toys without feeling like their manhood is at stake). The last guy I was with was almost that way, he wasn’t insecure about brining a toy into bed, but he really did think his dick was magic and that I should have been able to cum from it, even though I told him from the start that wouldn’t happen. I haven’t met a guy who actually cared and did what *I* needed without making me feel defective in 20+ years, and he was so talented at bringing me to orgasm that I had a baby with him. Sadly he died in 2001 :((((
most men are taught from a very young age that much of their worth in a relationship is tied to their sexual prowess and their ability to compete sexually with other men. couldn’t fuckin’ tell ya why. it is perverse.
this is why many men are emotionally devastated by things like ED and struggle with confidence about their size. we’re also not well socialized to have emotional or sensitive conversations. obligatory #notallmen.
as far as a fix? probably addressable in a long-term relationship – repeated experience reinforces that “it’s okay”. alternatively they just need to Figure It Out™ or go to therapy. no idea what to do for one-night-stands or other similarly quantity-limited sexual interactions as, for most men, this is baggage they’ve carried unquestioning since childhood and it’s not gonna get unpacked after dinner and a movie.