Vent on the exhaustion of being an Asian American female backpacker sometimes…

Not sure if this will get posted but I just needed a space safe to vent and my boyfriend/friends have a huge time difference so I hope this is okay. I experienced something today that pissed me off on such a level that my adrenaline spiked like crazy and I just was wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how you handle it.

I am a very experienced solo backpacker (I’ve been to 50 plus countries solo) and I’ve experienced many beautiful experiences but have also experienced the pain of “casual racism” in the backpacking scene or colorism well, coloring my experience. Not to mention fetishizing from locals and backpackers and well, it’s super unusual to come across a fellow Asian American backpacker in many places I’ve been to, so it just so happens that I do tend to socialize with a lot of white backpackers from Europe and Australia and I’ve heard a lot of racist things about Asians, locals, or other groups at times (often in the guise of “jokes” but of course, many of these groups cannot handle jokes about their countries and would bite your head off if you mistake them for a German or something). At some point, I’ve had to protect myself and decide it’s not my fight (it tends to lead to SO much gaslighting about how I’m some sensitive politically correct American) or how “Asia is the most racist.”

Anyways, I’m currently in Cusco, Peru. I met a guy from Canada in the kitchen (he’s in his 60s, I’m guessing) and it turns out we were going to the same museum later so we ended up going together. He seemed like a nice enough guy but at some point we saw some floats for a parade and I wanted a picture with one of the floats. I mentioned I looked tired in the photo and then he responded, “why, because you have squinty, small eyes?” I was surprised that he said this. One, because I rarely ever hear this microaggression (I have bigger eyes than him ironically) and have double eyelids naturally. Two, because it is racist AF and it is 2025. I called him out on it and then he acted surprised saying that was not his intention and it was meant to be funny. I got exhausted so I let it drop and he was normal for the next few hours. He did push me to eat at this restaurant that I honestly didn’t want to go to because I wasn’t hungry but then he kept saying “come on” so I did and it was the most expensive terrible pasta I’ve ever had in my life. I thought it was cute how they decorated it though with flowers so I asked him to take a photo of me and then he goes “oh getting to your Asian roots, I see.” I asked him what he meant and he said, “oh you guys take tons of photos, it’s a running meme.” Then he proceeds to make fun of that for ten minutes. I told him that I’ve seen white people take tons of photos too of things that I thought were rather inappropriate (ie: random people in Peru, in their face, without even asking) or school children in Japan but he wouldn’t stop going on about Asian people. I again called him out on it and then he said, “I’ve never been called racist, there’s so many people way worse” and seemed to get offended. Note: I didn’t call him racist, I said what he was saying was inappropriate. I also said I didn’t think it was particularly funny and if he wants to make racist jokes, at least come up with clever jokes that are funny.

The next day, he messaged me to see if I wanted to go to the Pisac ruins. Given the fact that I was a bit nervous about finding the collectivo and since I don’t speak Spanish, I thought okay, why not. He ended up spending an hour trying to book a tour to Rainbow Mountain before (which I didn’t expect) and we ended up getting to Pisac later than I thought. He also asked to borrow money because he forgot his credit card or something which was annoying because I didn’t have enough money to cover both of us necessarily. At some point, during the walk, he started mentioning that rich Chinese and Indians are taking over Canada and the world (ironic given that he owns multiple properties). He also started telling me that no one wants Brazilians to immigrate because they are known for being lazy, in gangs, etc…then he told me that Peruvians are ugly and attractive, especially the men, and when the women are young they look nice but get ugly. He also mentioned that his friend went to Thailand and is dating a local woman who is way younger and he seemed to have no issue with this, like it’s not a weird power dynamic. Later on that evening, randomly, he sends me a message saying “if you are cold, you come come to my room to cuddle.” I gave him NO indication that I was romantically interested. I found his message repulsive.

Anyways, I thought that would be the last time I saw him and then I bumped into him today at the San Blas market. Note: when he’s not saying these weird things, he’s actually a funny, niceish person (seemingly). I didn’t expect to really hang out with him but then he kept on following me around and truthfully, I felt awkward to say anything (damn my natural people pleasing side who hates conflict). There was a huge festival today and afterwards I was hungry because I hadn’t eaten for like 9 hours and I wanted sushi so we ended up making a reservation because it was packed and I checked out some locals dancing in the square nearby. He wanted me to have a drink with him and I said I’m not in the mood and he kept on trying to pressure me saying it’s his last night and that I’m no fun. This time, I didn’t give in like at the restaurant and was like, no, and no means no. I’m having a fun time listening to the music when randomly, he starts making racist jokes again about Chinese and Indian people and Asians invading the world. I quite frankly was exhausted at that point because I was hangry, and I was fed up so I decided to give him a taste of his medicine and “joke” back saying, well didn’t white people colonize a lot of the world and aren’t you living on stolen land? Then he started saying nonsense like, “oh we can’t help that we are good businessmen” and “we are smart and profit by taking and reselling from countries.” In retrospect, it’s clear he enjoyed riling me up. I forgot to mention, there were multiple times during the day, he tried to put a shoulder over me or touch me gently and I very bluntly told him, I don’t like to be touched. He then said that maybe I have a trauma (he also asked me if I was gay) and I said, I didn’t like to be touched in any way unexpectedly. I have had issues in South America of getting unwanted attention from men and being inappropriately touched by tour guides so yes, I did also have my guard up. Anyways, at some point , I tell him I’m over the racist jokes and he tells me to lighten up and proceeds to try to put a shoulder over me and squeeze my shoulder. He did this once before and it fucking hurt my shoulder actually. I told him, don’t touch me. Then instead of listening, he proceeds to try to hug me tight and I literally, pushed him off and screamed “don’t touch me.” I don’t know what came over me but it was like something inside of me freaked out and was like get off. He then walks off and I have to follow him because he actually had some of my souvenirs in his bag from the day before. He then calls me a “fucking cunt” and starts going on a rant about how I’m “difficult, entitled, challenging” and how he “can’t hang out with someone like” me. He then says he never met someone like me, I must have issues with people all the time (I don’t and I’ve literally never had this happen to me in all the countries I’ve traveled to) and then he throws a beer can at me. He then starts saying that he’s dated Asian women and none of them were like this. Basically making it seem like I’m a horrible person. In the past, it’s sad to say I would have taken this and believed it. This time, it was like fury was unleashed. I cursed him off and say you started with being a racist idiot. He then said NOTHING he said was racist and that I’m taking it the wrong way and have no sense of humor. He doesn’t see why the slanted eye joke was offense and that it’s my fault for interpreting things that way. I then told him, you know what, I don’t want to talk anymore, I want to be quiet, and he would not stop calling me names, and I then started screaming at him to shut the fuck up. It was like my worst, angry self came out. I said things I don’t ever say to people. I literally was like” you are probably one of those gross guys who go to Thailand and dates underage women” and said “typical white Boomer racist asshole.”

He then starts telling me I have rage issues that I need to work on and that I’m an “entitled American” and that “all you Americans are like this.” Anyways, I finally got my windchimes and my adrenaline was crazyyyyy. Ironically, a few minutes later, I met two Chinese backpackers and they were so kind and literally listened to me vent about this and they totally got me! It’s sad to say but they were like, yeah, we aren’t even surprised (because they also heard so many racist microaggressions when backpacking). I rarely meet other Asian backpackers in South America so it was like funny timing. Almost like the universe sent them to me and I don’t even believe in that stuff.

In retrospect, lessons learned, as Oprah says, “if someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” I should have avoided this guy once he said the slanted eye comment. I’m too old for this shit now and quite frankly, I’d rather be alone than deal with company like this. I need to be more assertive and walk away from people. When someone complains about “woke” people and tells you they like Joe Rogan, stay away at all costs. When someone wears a bunch of random Asian beds and says racist shit about Asians, avoid them. When someone is WAY too into ayuhuasca or too hippyish, avoid them (seems to attract similar people as Bali and they often are just using the locals for some spiritual experience, another weird form of colonizing). I’ve always prided myself in talking to everyone when I travel (regardless of age, background, sexuality, etc…) and even people with drastically different viewpoints but for the sake of my mental health, sometimes it’s best to protect myself with my limited energy. That isn’t selfish, that is a good thing. I take pride in being called a difficult woman now. I rarely get called that but if someone tries to use that as an insult because I’m enforcing boundaries, then I enjoy being called a difficult woman!

Anyways, I’m wondering if anyone has dealt with something similar. I usually am pretty passive and quiet because I’m a woman and worry about safety but I was shocked by how angry this person made me and the things that even came out of my own mouth. I’m lowkey glad I defended myself but I also wish I didn’t engage, I feel like I stooped to their level. I felt like he intentionally enjoyed making me upset and kept pushing boundaries.

Sorry for the ramble, my head is still frazzled and shocked from it all. It’s also awkward because he’s staying in the same building as me so I’m like anxious about bumping into him.