I’ve been reading a lot about how kids used to have actual childhoods, because they’d wander around their neighborhoods unsupervised. I asked why kids don’t don’t really this anymore. And people were saying that there is little fear of strangers or abductions. Rather, parents are terrified of their neighbors calling the cops on them, and having CPS turned on them.
Just yesterday, I was walking home, in my neighborhood. And I tried to toss a tiny bit of compost in a bin sitting on the sidewalk. And the couple who owned the bin started yelling at me. Like, full on screaming. I was shocked at how angry they were.
Someone’s reaction to this was, “It’s not your bin, it’s their bin. It falls in the category of keep your hands off other people’s stuff.
Of course, it’s their property. Of course, they are fully within their legal rights to yell at me for touching their legal property. But neighbors used to have the social expectation of looking out for each other.
And old comment I got was was “A few times, we needed to relieve ourselves and just knocked on the door of a house to use their bathroom. No one ever told us no.”
Now, this is also a case where it’s not “your” bathroom, it’s “their” bathroom. But the kids weren’t being told something in the category of keeping their hands off other people’s stuff. Because there was a cultural norm for neighbors to help each other.
The news is programming us to be addicted to fear. We don’t want to help the kids in our neighborhood, we want to call the cops on their mothers. And we want to stand your ground, and protect our property (even if it’s just a trash can). And such harsh actions are deemed socially acceptable.
It’s isolating us from each other. This extreme paranoia, territorialism, and lack of social interaction, is going to make our behavior worse. Like, kids are on TikTok all the time now, because there is just no where for them to hang out outside that isn’t hostile.
And we’re more lonely and depressed than ever. We don’t have solid, reliable communities anymore. We have people antagonizing each other.
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In my experience neighbors more or less ignore each other. That’s an everybody problem. Go talk to your neighbor. Make friends with them.
The real issue is with not wanting to be used by other people. If you’re not getting anything out of the relationship then people usually see the relationship as not worth it. Most people don’t like to be bothered when they’re at home trying to relax so why would you go off bothering other people.
I am triggered by your bin anecdote. I live in Europe and am an avid hiker. When you hike larger distances you inevitably carry some litter with you. I would never throw it in another person’s bin. Because in my country charges apply to reduce the amount of stuff people throw away and me adding weight to their garbage is going to affect the charges they have to pay.
They shouldn’t have shouted at you this way, but I consider what you did rude. Yes, neighbours should help each other, but neighbours also shouldn’t freeload of one another.
Not were im from, southern hospitality is still a big thing and to be cold & hostile towards your neighbors here makes you the obvious target of scrutiny.
Because in many cases you don’t want to communicate with your neighbours, and making it “not acceptable” won’t make you connect with them, it will only make you pretend to like them.
Sometimes people are friends with their neighbours sometimes no, both are fine
Seattle is notoriously bad for this I think. A city of introverts and then covid and people are loony.
and the issue is? its fine to be cold and hostile to strangers. you dont know them.
I’m going to take a wild guess and say you have a temper tantrum anytime someone throws up boundaries towards you.
The world is a dangerous place. When I was a kid my neighbor committed credit card fraud in my grandma’s name. Another neighbor hopped our fence and started stealing sand from our sandbox. We were friendly with both of those neighbors.
I used to play in the neighborhood with my friends all the time and looking back, I will never allow my children to roam as much as I did. There were too many close calls and shady situations. Sure not every kid gets kidnapped, but it sure as hell won’t be my kid who does. They can play where they are supervised and with people we trust.
Paranoia comes from the fact that we can receive news in an instant from almost anywhere, we’re more aware of the dangers that very much exist.
Also like I mentioned in a comment below, putting trash in someone else’s bin is illegal in Washington. Rather than get upset that you were yelled at, I would consider taking responsibility for your actions. It might not be that big of a deal but frankly it’s rude and they didn’t give you permission. It’s kinda entitled for this to blow up into a rant about having a community.
True. I had anal intercourse with a mule the other day and the mule got all aggressive wtf
Interesting, my understanding is/was that a trash can out on the curb is viewed the same as abandoned property access wise
Get off my lawn and leave me alone…
It is generally rude to use other people’s trash cans. They could have asked you nicely to not do that though.
It would be nice to see stronger senses of community in neighborhoods. I loved college because people took care of each other.
Need you to describe the compost you were gonna throw in their trash can
A while back a mother was arrested for letting her kid walk to the store and back alone. Kid was 9 or something.
When I was a kid I was never home. My mother used to lock myself and my brothers out of the house. But we loved it. We ran those streets and no one had any problems with it.
People always talk about obesity in kids. But they are forced to stay inside. It’s ridiculous to me.
I’m not cold or hostile to my neighbors, mostly because I don’t know them. Our neighborhood has a really high turnover rate and people keep to themselves. I personally don’t mind
i was just talking to my neighbor about this. between 4 houses all next door to one another we are all loose friends, 3 of the houses all had kids within 6 months of each other so we are all trying to become better friends so our kids can grow up together like we all did, but there is a serious lack of community going on. nobody just hangs out outside anymore is what i notice, everyone is either inside or leaving. hang around outside, in the porch, in the yard. when neighbors come out have a chat. people for some reason think you need to have some ultra deep therapeutic conversations with everyone you know and that is so not the case. talk about happenings in the town, the weather, the traffic, literally anything and just build up to more conversation. hold a bbq grill out or something.
The entire point of all this (social media and news programming to keep people in fear etc) is to keep people from uniting and doing what needs to be done to the parasitic bankers and politicians that feed off the rest of us. If you destroy families, make politics so unattractive and hostile that normal people just tune out, dilute cultures via mass illegal migration, keep people at each others throats over race, gender, sexuality, privilege etc etc, people end up having next to no common ground to build relationships on.
Meanwhile these fucking leeches exploit, manipulate and abuse everyone around them and get away with it because they’ve conned them all into fighting amongst themselves.
I don’t think there’s any big agenda going on here, it’s natural progression.
A lot of that gilded era of ‘community,’ is rose-tinted glasses. For every warm elderly neighbour who made pies, or helpful mechanic neighbour who tuned up your car for free, or the young family you and your kids grew up with, there were hordes of bitchy, drama-obsessed, miserable stalkers. The old bint who stares out of her venetian blinds, cranky old Joe who heckles the neighbourhood kids constantly, the histrionic borderline who calls the local police at every opportunity, the doomsday prophet evangelical who makes every religious holiday a nightmare. Anyone who grew up in this era can list off a dozen nosey neighbours from hell that just had to be tolerated because of the times.
The problem with being part of a neighbourhood is you take the good with the bad, and a lot of people particularly hated the latter. Social norms moved away from mandatory friendliness and ‘keeping up appearances’ precisely because people just couldn’t take it anymore. They’ve maybe swung too far in the opposite direction, but it’ll no doubt correct itself within the next few decades as things adjust to a new normal. Change is always a bit finicky at first.
You also need to consider that with changing demographics overall comes people moving around a lot more. In previous times, you and your neighbours were true locals, you grew up with a lot of these people or they watched you feel grow. In an insular, local community there’s always going to be more built-in friendly relations than a neighbourhood comprised of blow-ins from different states and countries.
People could definitely be nicer and more accommodating, but the good things you’re reminiscing about came at a price, one a lot of the Boomers and Gen Xers who now complain about it chose to stop paying in the first place.
It’s the demographics now different cultures don’t mesh well
As a society we have become far too self-centered and entitled. The idea of community is one that requires everyone to contribute just a bit. It also requires an element of judgement. If you want a great neighborhood you have to be willing to be a great neighbor. That means helping each-other out. I currently live on a military base, and this does actually kind of exist.
One of my kids was a little runaway when he was 2. We’d change the lock, and he’d figure out how to open it within a week, and was halfway round the block before you knew it
We live on a quiet street in a safe neighborhood, but I was always so thankful that my neighbors saw him and brought him home instead of calling CPS
Gotta be good to your neighbors (if they’re not dirtbags). Neighbors are the closest people that can help in a pinch, if you ever need something.
My neighbors and I all get along well, with most of us living here for 10+ years. It makes our street a nice little place to live.
I’m happy I live in a neighborhood where kids still run around and we all know our neighbors. Kids ride their bikes to school and everything. No one is calling cops, that’s for neighborhoods with HOA’s.
Not sure what kind of neighborhood you live in, but if you lived in some of the ones I’ve lived in, you wouldn’t want to get to know your neighbors either. This comes from experience. You can’t escape crazy neighbors.
It’s hard, because some of my neighbours are sweet elderly folk and some are psychopathics with criminal records. I don’t wanna be close to all my neighbours lol
YTA for using the neighbour’s bin. No surprise people are cold to you.
Neighbors used to have a vested interest. Like, neighbors were actual extended family or coworkers. This was of course half a century ago. But then as time went on it was still normal to be able to ask them for eggs and get the kids together. The fact that mom isn’t the main one home in a lot of cases is actually what broke the neighborhood connection tie. When you had a parent in the home while dad worked, you had someone tethering you to the other families for the sake of the kids and socialization. That isn’t the ONLY reason but it is a big one having seen it and lived it as a child of a SAHM.
Now. They are complete effing strangers who move in and out quickly. They are air b n b tenants.
I live on a 60 acre ranch, so I neither deal with this nor do I even SEE my neighbors anymore but having lived in the same suburb for 10 years and watching longtime neighbors get replaced by trashy people, I don’t believe in neighbor chivalry anymore. Don’t owe you anything just because you live next to me IF you are a liability.
I agree. I remember things being like that when I was young, too. Everyone knew each other and looked out. Thankfully, the kids in our neighborhood are always running around unattended and no one is going to report anyone. It’s so sad kids might have to live that way.
I grew up in a very rural Midwestern farming community during the 80s. We were very poor, and didn’t have much. I can remember some neighbors helping each other as well as others being hostile to each other (mostly the former).
Back then, people didn’t really have the option of being so isolated and independent like we are now. We had to rely on each other, for better or worse, because calling someone for help wasn’t always a feasible option.
During recent years, I’ve had a few situations with neighbors that I should have easily been able to straighten out with a simple discussion, but which totally blew up because they simply didn’t give a shit and told me as much.
One old timer I talked to around that time said that you used to just be able to sit down with your neighbor when you had a disagreement, have a beer together and talk things out. He said those days are long gone now, and that you unfortunately have to use lawyers to settle those differences now.
OP and others are right, our society has simply broken down. There’s no going back, and there’s no fixing it.
The kids in my neighborhood are constantly outside playing together. I think partially because we actually have alot of them on the block. The last street I lived on there was only one family with kids so the kids stayed at their house. So with fewer people having kids these days, that aspect lf community is just not available in some neighborhoods and streets.
I do actually bake pies and I wish my neighbors would come help me eat them. But my partner is too paranoid that if our neighbors come to our house that they’ll try to break in later and steal stuff. It’s very annoying and difficult for me to have people over. So even if the nice neighbor exists they are constrained by their significant other who might not be.
But also my neighbors always start a feud with me. Like constantly parking their 6000 crappy cars in front of my house. Or not taking care of their old above ground pool. Or flooding my house with their unpermitted patio extension. Or trying to file a claim against my insurance when my dog broke a fenceboard on the fence that I paid for. Or the one who is constantly screaming at her kids and hitting them and I have to call on. The neighbor who doesnt mow their lawn ever. The neighbor who gets outraged if you mow even a sliver of their lawn. The neighbor that deals drugs. The neighbor with multiple baby mamas that are always yelling at him. I’ve had so many bad neighbors that it really made me jaded about them all because even when someone new moves in I wonder like ‘okay what shitty thing are you going to do and how long will it take before I dont like you?’
So we’ve made alot of bad behavior socially acceptable and should probably dial it back some.
Didn’t have a community when I was a kid in the 80s or 90s either. Couldn’t just run into my neighbors house to use their bathroom or for help.
But in TV shows supposedly neighbors were all super close and friendly. My entire life neighbors are super close and friendly.
I’m 44 I’ve rarely lived anywhere that my neighbors make a point of befriending other neighbors. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m sure it does. But you have to put yourself out there too.
We need to stop blaming the news and shit. If you want to be connected with your neighbors then do that.
When I moved into a new neighborhood a couple years ago, I baked 14 small loaves of milk bread and made cinnamon butter for everyone in my loop and the neighbor behind us we share a fence with. Each one had a note with our names and phone numbers.
We walked around and introduced ourselves to each neighbor and gave them the bread and butter. Some were very warm and appreciative, others just seemed to think we were odd. But we now have good relationships with all of our immediate neighbors and get gifts, harvests from their gardens, our driveway plowed in the winter on occasion etc.. And I keep baking for them on holidays.
Community is so important. But I think if that’s what you want to gain from your neighbors, it doesn’t hurt to take the first step in building that connection. Not everyone will want it, but you’ll find the ones who do.
Yes and no.
I live in a semi rural area. There are kids that play in the woods and have ended up walking through my woods. I wasn’t happy about it at first. Then realized they aren’t doing anything destructive just let them play. (Also, people hunt around here so I know they know to stay out of the woods or wear orange at the right seasons)
Also, recently caught them doing something at the very front of my yard. My husband went out and was like hey y’all find anything cool? They were just collecting ants. We just let them be.
What I don’t like is grown ass adults cutting my yard without asking. That has happened several times. We have talked to them. Now I have boundaries put up so they can’t do that. I have plants in my yard and I plant native so people tend to think I just let my yard go with a bunch of weeds.
But I have a pole put up with nature signs and I was thinking of adding a children at play sign. People fly down our road and it pisses me off. I think the kids are about to move though… I might try to find a sign that says adults at play. 🤣
Yes and no.
I live in a semi rural area. There are kids that play in the woods and have ended up walking through my woods. I wasn’t happy about it at first. Then realized they aren’t doing anything destructive just let them play. (Also, people hunt around here so I hope they know to stay out of the woods or wear orange at the right seasons)
Also, recently caught them doing something at the very front of my yard. My husband went out and was like hey y’all find anything cool? They were just collecting ants. We just let them be.
What I don’t like is grown ass adults cutting my yard without asking. That has happened several times. We have talked to them. Now I have boundaries put up so they can’t do that. I have plants in my yard and I plant native so people tend to think I just let my yard go with a bunch of weeds.
But I have a pole put up with nature signs and I was thinking of adding a children at play sign. People fly down our road and it pisses me off. I think the kids are about to move though… I might try to find a sign that says adults at play. 🤣
I mean it is not actually developmentally good to have latchkey kids. They do a lot better with structure. Sure there is true value in boredom-finding ways to entertain yourself, but kids can get into all kinds of dangerous things because they do not have the knowledge yet. And not just with people, plenty of kids have died from things like falling in a river.
Can I ask if you actually knew the neighbors who you think should be looking out for you and letting you throw stuff in their cans? Because as a former Gen X kid who spent many hours popping in to visit my neighbors for snacks, I will say that we actually knew those neighbors.
Before you toss stuff in your neighbors’ cans, perhaps knock on the door and introduce yourself, right?
I miss the old days when you could walk around outside, see your neighbours and say hi without getting dirty looks all the time. I keep more to myself nowadays 😔
The garbage one, well I don’t mind if someone uses mine. Just don’t put garbage in the recycling one lol. The bathroom one? I can’t let a stranger in my house, I have to protect myself.
My neighbors in my cul de sac are fine. We have small talk, not much more. We just all maintain our yards.
I think this has a lot to do where you live. I live in a super safe, mid-size town and kids are wandering around everywhere without supervision. Neighbors are relatively friendly to when I lived in a large metro area.
You can really tell who was raised right and who had parents who didn’t care, sadly the majority of people were raised with weak morals and are easily corrupted by media… we’re living with the consequences of that
Yep. Neighborhood parents looked bout for other kids. We knew which mom would offer us koolaid and who had the best gaming system. We also knew not to go to X’s house because his dad was an alcoholic. So X came to our house. We never went to random people’s houses or houses with no kids. But if someone needed patching up we ran to the nearest mom who was home. I honestly think it was a lot safer overall than living your life online or constantly structured activities because kids don’t develop problem solving skills and get a distorted view of society. And unless they play team sports, they don’t get much exercise.
Im 38 and I never just went to a random person’s house to do anything. There were my friends in the neighborhood of course that I would go to their house but never just strangers. I also dont feel the need to know the people who live around me just cause they live around me. But to each their own.
One, it’s because America is a highly individualized country. And it’s that way on purpose to keep us separated. But that’s a subject for a different time. Two, everyone including me is afraid their kid will be stolen. Even though, statistically speaking, it’s unlikely. I keep eyes on my kid and wife 24/7 when we’re together because you never know. Three, video games are better than pretend.
The powers that be do not want us to have idle time because that might allow us to start thinking critically about who our society and our government is actually working for. This starts at a young age now, because they know that the computer screen is more compelling than the parent’s words.
Video games and electronic screens biggest culprit. When all we had were bikes we traveled with friends to find different places in the woods by the creeks. I remember this awesome winter day by the creek where we had a fire and the snow was falling but the heat from the fire made an area void of snow in the air as it fell. I was about 15 so 1989.
This is why you question the news always, do not religiously believe it, since all these media companies have a initiative to make us fearful zombies hating each other. That way it’s much easier to control our society through fear since they will lack the will to fight back or to question authority or the news stories that are at times exaggerated.
The “news” never sound the same anymore depending on where you get it, that in itself says “journalistic integrity” no longer exists. I merely watch the “news” for entertainment purposes since I compare all outlets, and see who’s legit and who’s brainwashing people. They all seem to have a initiative to spout fearful narratives, but once you see it in my eyes, the fear disappears, since ya know some of it is BS.
My neighbors to one side are evangelical Christians who are voaclly against queer people having rights and to the other were drug dealers who gave weed to their kids before they got evicted. It was a habitual child beater and different drug dealer in our last place. I’d love a neighborhood where I felt okay to be more warm than polite to my neighbors.
People abuse trash bins. For example, imagine your trash bin has just been emptied and waiting to be put away and then some shmuck uses your empty trash bin to throw away their dogs shit.
Now that shit is in there stinking up your trash bin until you clean it or when trash comes next week.
You’re conflating acceptable social behaviors between kids and adults. I mean it’d have been super weird for my mom to knock on our neighbor’s door to ask to use the restroom but not wierd for us kids to do so (yes, we’d bug our neighbors for tons of stuff and they’d always willingly oblige). Back then, in the 70’s & 80’s – at least where I grew up – the “village” would help raise the children. The adults really cared about kids in general, and we were friendly and polite (we actually had good manners) in return. That’s been ruined over time, as you see, but those truly were the good ole days.