Me (25F) and my husband (26M) have been together for five years. We had our daughter pretty early on (she’s 4 now) and yeah, she wasn’t planned, but we were happy and I have no regrets at ALL. His family, not so much. They’ve always been kinda cold towards me and honestly, I’ve noticed that they don’t treat our daughter the same as the other grandkids.
Last weekend, we were at his moms house for a late dinner, and she and my FIL were talking about my husband as a teenager. My mother in law than proceeded to joke in front of my daughter saying how he used to be so carefree and go with the flow “before he had to settle down so fast.” Then she added “I bet he wished he had more time before jumping into the dad life with an oopsie baby.”
I was pissed.
We ended up leaving soon after that since it was getting late anyways, and that night as I tucked my daughter into bed she asked me what an oopsie baby was. I felt heartbroken for her and basically explained that sometimes people have kids by accident, but that doesn’t make her any less special.
After I put her to bed I ranted to my husband, saying I don’t want his MIL around our daughter if she’s going to be saying stuff like that. The last thing I want is for my baby girl to be questioning whether or not she’s wanted.
I said I don’t want my family in law at her fifth birthday party next month and I won’t be sending them an invite until they apologize for making things awkward. My husband says I’m overreacting over a small comment and I need to relax and not make this a thing.He argued saying I shouldn’t overreact a comment she made when she was tired. He told me I’m not allowed to uninvite *his* family, especially over this.
Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up and let them come to the party and risk my daughter hearing more harmful things? I’m honestly really upset but I feel like I’m the only person who’s mad so idk what to do. AITA?
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Me (25F) and my husband (26M) have been together for five years. We had our daughter pretty early on (she’s 4 now) and yeah, she wasn’t planned, but we were happy and I have no regrets at ALL. His family, not so much. They’ve always been kinda cold towards me and honestly, I’ve noticed that they don’t treat our daughter the same as the other grandkids.
Last weekend, we were at his moms house for a late dinner, and she and my FIL were talking about my husband as a teenager. My mother in law than proceeded to joke in front of my daughter saying how he used to be so carefree and go with the flow “before he had to settle down so fast.” Then she added “I bet he wished he had more time before jumping into the dad life with an oopsie baby.”
I was pissed.
We ended up leaving soon after that since it was getting late anyways, and that night as I tucked my daughter into bed she asked me what an oopsie baby was. I felt heartbroken for her and basically explained that sometimes people have kids by accident, but that doesn’t make her any less special.
After I put her to bed I ranted to my husband, saying I don’t want his MIL around our daughter if she’s going to be saying stuff like that. The last thing I want is for my baby girl to be questioning whether or not she’s wanted.
I said I don’t want my family in law at her fifth birthday party next month and I won’t be sending them an invite until they apologize for making things awkward. My husband says I’m overreacting over a small comment and I need to relax and not make this a thing.He argued saying I shouldn’t overreact a comment she made when she was tired. He told me I’m not allowed to uninvite *his* family, especially over this.
Am I overreacting? Should I just suck it up and let them come to the party and risk my daughter hearing more harmful things? I’m honestly really upset but I feel like I’m the only person who’s mad so idk what to do. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m worried I’m in the wrong because I seem to be the only one upset, and I don’t want to double cross my husband by not inviting his parents, but I can’t bring myself to invite them either.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Why isn’t he standing up for your daughter? Either he is oblivious to the different treatment or he doesn’t care, I’m not sure which is worse. You need to have a serious talk with him about setting boundaries and not allowing your daughter to be singled out.
Nta
NTA, If this isn’t the first comment they have made, they will continue to make more if you let this slide, do you want to spend the next few years of your life constantly trying to explain to your daughter and defuse a situation that they have caused? At some point she will be old enough to understand and then what is your husband going to do? Tell his daughter not to be so sensitive?
This needs to stop now, before it gets worse.
Do you think maybe your husband vented to his parents about the situation before and that’s why she felt okay saying it?
NTA Your MIL is being very clear, and your DH is purposefully ignoring her barbed comments because he doesn’t want to have a difficult conversation with her.
If DH refuses to set a boundary with his own mom, I suggest separate celebrations: 1) a simple family dinner with his side so you can quickly leave if she says anything else. 2) A actual party with your friends/your side of family. This way you if needed you are able to protect your child. Your kid does not need a guilt-trip for existing.
NTA. I’m so sorry, OP.
NTA and you’re definitely not overreacting. As someone whose mother told me regularly for as long as I’ve been alive that I was a mistake, it’s traumatic. She won’t forget that. People act like kids don’t absorb and retain things that are said to them but they definitely do.
NTA
MIL targeted that comment towards you and your daughter at a family dinner. It is not a small snide comment and shows MIL avid dislike for you and your daughter in her sons life. You have every right not to have people who don’t appreciate/love your daughter at her party.
NTA. You’re not making this a thing, your in-laws did by saying awful things about their grandchild in front of her. Small comments make a big impact on little ears. Just because his mother was tired, she doesn’t get a pass for being careless about her choice of words in front of an innocent 5 year old who is old enough to remember and internalize such commentary. Your husband needs to quit excusing his parents’ bad behavior and he needs to quit minimizing your feelings. You’re the one who had to run damage control for your daughter, not him. You’ll be happy to invite them. AFTER they apologize.
He needs to either stand up for his daughter or go back to his mommy, and I would tell him so.
His parents do not love his daughter and that is apparent in the way that they treat her and the way that they speak about, regardless of whether it is in front of her or behind her back, and his lack of a spine will eventually make your daughter think that he agrees with those awful things that are being said about her.
Ya know what. Then HE can throw a birthday party where his family
Is invited. I wouldn’t do anything else in regards to his family. Your daughter IS taking notice. Don’t let her be treated as a second class citizen. You cannot control anyone except yourself. Tell your husband you’re done dealing with the passive aggressive jabs and trying to please them. He wants them at her 5th bday party? Then he needs to plan one. The one YOU are planning they are not invited to. Christmas gifts? He needs to buy them. Mother’s Day? He needs to remember to get her something/plan something. Put your energy into the friends and family that support you and your daughter. You’ve got a husband problem my dear. I would suggest going to couples counseling
Your husband has an odd take on the concept of small. Hippo? So small. The Grand Canyon? Smallish. The elephant in his parents’ dining room? Yet again, very small.
Well, no. Coming out and saying that a 5 year old was unwanted, was an accident, that her dad would have had a better life if she hadn’t been born, but unfortunately she messed things up for him, in front of said 5 year old is disgusting, hurtful behavior.
Your husband is under-reacting; you, OTOH, have the judgement to realize that your in-laws are merrily undermining your daughter’s emotional well-being. And what do we do with people who harm our little children? We stay away from them. We rip them a new one and then we walk away.
Go full mama bear, OP!
I don’t think you made it any better by telling your daughter that she was accident baby.
You could’ve explained it much nicer way.
His family sounds trash, and if this is his normal reaction to how they treat you, you have a husband problem not an in-law problem. He’d have to fight me cause I’d triple dog dare him to invite his family to her party. I have no solutions that are reasonable, but swing on all of them if they play with you. NTA.
NTA its your own birthday. You can invite who you want to
MIL’s precious little boy was 21/22 when he became a father. If he wanted to live carefree he could have prevented becoming a dad at that age. He had just as much agency in having a child as you did.
And yes, I know what an oopsie baby is but it still takes two people to oops.
NTA, your primary problem, however, is your husband not your in-laws.
NTA. Tell him to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why it’s ok for MIL to essentially call daughter a MISTAKE. Is he really OK with that? Tell him if his family turn up to the party they will be TOLD to leave.
NTA. He would have me thinking that he agrees. That was wildly inappropriate especially in front of the child.
NTA Your MIL treats your daughter differently from her other grandchildren and she makes no secret that she thinks she was a mistake. Why would you want any child to be in constantly exposed to that kind of treatment? She isn’t coming for your daughter, she just wants to look like a loving grandma.
Your husband is part of the problem here, he’s in denial about the effect his mother’s words and deeds are having on your daughter. There are posts here all the time from people who knew they were the least favored child/grandchild and never had other adults stand up for them.
You are not the asshole at all. You can have a direct conversation with the in laws and tell them that if they say stupid shit around your daughter, they will never get to see her again. You have all the power here.
NTA But you should still invite them. I would, under no circumstances, suggest to your daughter that they be Grandma and Grandpa Oopsie.
NTA And your husband needs a spine. Hugs
NTA, but I have no idea why you explained oopsie baby to your 5 year old in the worst possible way, when she would have accepted any other explanation at her age.
I have words to describe your husband, but this sub doesn’t approve of them.