Basically title. We’ve been together for 2 years. And we have had our ups and downs.
The latest problem is housing right now. We can’t decide where to be. Living with her doesn’t seem attractive to me either and I can’t pinpoint why. Is it because it’d make my daily commute to work miserable (42 miles one way)? Is it because she’s a neat freak and I’m messy?
We talked about it extensively and I’ve voiced my concerns and she seemed to understand at the time but we are still looking at houses within the same area. I also don’t want a new job nor do I really want to leave my work site. I get paid a lot for what I do and I don’t want to leave and enter this job market.
I don’t exactly want to break up. But I have felt like over the times it felt easy to fall in and out of love. This is my first relationship which makes it difficult to assess. I read online about other people’s toxic toxic relationships and mine is nothing of the sort.
Because of her age and because of her love for me, I feel the need to stay in the relationship because she deeply wants children. And I know at some point, I do too. I have a strong responsibility for her.
But I’m constantly tired after long shift work and long commutes (12 hr days) and all the other tasks or requests from people that I feel at times missing my own time. I got incredibly upset one day when I came back from work and I lost power and cell service 1 hr in due to the severe rainstorm. And after an hour+ commute back home.
And I feel guilty having these feelings. I don’t want her to start over again. I don’t know why I feel this way.
What should I do?
TLDR; doubts. Fights in the past. Sometimes a very cold personality type which I’m not the biggest fan of. Sometimes I feel like I am missing this part of me that I feel guilty for. Don’t know whether I’m burnt out from work or the commute or both which is why I feel this way. But I’m conflicted regardless.