Dear men of reddit, have you ever been struggling with chronic loneliness? How di you handle it / got out of it?
Dear men of reddit, have you ever been struggling with chronic loneliness? How di you handle it / got out of it?
r/AskMen
Dear men of reddit, have you ever been struggling with chronic loneliness? How di you handle it / got out of it?
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At some point, over the years, you get used to it.
That is like most of us. I dont really call it loneliness – I just like to avoid stupid fucks and as a result, I am alone for a good chunk of my time.
My way is holding on to my college buddies and friends that ive met in life…
When you understand how stupid everyone around really is and truly believe in it, you begin to realize that the best company you have is yourself. When you realize that, you no longer feel lonely.
Join some clubs, you must be interested in something.
Maybe join a book club, even if the books don’t interest you that much, you get to read something and the next week you can listen to others talk about what they thought and give your thoughts.
After a while, depending on how the particular club works, you can propose a book you love.
You fill the time as best you can.
Doing that will make you realize what you are actually missing and get rid of the silly notion that you are lonely because you don’t have dozens or hundreds of friends.
Once you realize what you actually need, go get it. Even if it is just a small group who you share hobbies with.
If you expect every friend to be everything to you then you are asking to be let down.
You never really get over it—you just learn to label it differently. It becomes part of your life, part of the formula. Like a chronic illness, it doesn’t go away, but once you stop fighting it, thinking about it, stressing about it, and accept it as something woven into your daily routine, it stops hurting as much. The constant stress eases. It’s no longer something you obsess over 24/7—it’s just there, a quiet part of the background.
Get involved with a crappy woman. You’ll learn the true value of being lonely.
After a month or 2 you’ll prefer to be alone. I’m 5 years in. Watching your boys get cheated on constantly by different women you’ll get a sense of relief your notgoing through it. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship today. Plenty of women that act like fboys that have no problem having sex with no relationship
Volunteer someplace regularly. An hour every week or two. Stop looking in the mirror and start looking out the window.
Yes, but I’ve also recently discovered I’m on the autism spectrum (pending formal diagnosis in October, however it’s an ‘undiagnosed but I’m pretty sure’ situation). Thus this lens of autism has illuminated a lot of the core struggles I’ve experienced with other people my whole life as someone undiagnosed.
For me right now, aligning my life with who I’m coming to understand I really am is a key focus and priority. Many of my relationships are changing, but many have also surprised me too with who has stepped forward to offer genuine support, and sincere connection.
I suspect this process is probably not unique to late diagnosed autistics, and that everyone probably needs to get to know themselves better. In doing so, you become able to filter what fulfils and nourishes / enriches you, from what drains you and leaves you feeling lonely.
For myself, understanding that I’ve been trying my whole life to fit a square peg into a round hole (trying to placate neurotypical ideals of friendship, relationships, and interaction) has allowed me to stop / reduce the internalization of those failures and those relationships as an intrinsic measure of my worthiness or value as a person. I think the mechanism is different (autism) for me, but I think the pathway (disconnect from self and lack of belief / value in ones sense of identity or tying that identity to other people) is a root of much of the loneliness people (especially men) experience.
Ultimately I think the point is loneliness stems from not liking yourself to begin with. The reasons why one doesn’t like themselves vary from person to person, but I think it’s very often the process of externalizing ones sense of value into their relationships, that leads them to feel lonely or unworthy when other people (something we have no control over) subvert our unspoken and subconscious expectations that we hinge our identities as people on.
I am… not handling it well. I have “episodes,” and this one is a really bad and painful one.
I’m used to it now. Games, tv, cooking, sewing, whatever hobbies you have, you just lean into them more
Nobody struggles to be lonely. You chose to be lonely
Just keep drinking, drinking…
Not so much chronic loneliness as much as loneliness from my work situation (they moved me almost yearly). I found things to occupy time that I enjoyed-simple as that. I got a dog and we sought out parks, trails, bogs, lakes, whatever-it was good for both of us and probably was a big part of keeping me fit and healthy throughout those hard years. I also dug into my hobbies and sought out shops to buy more fun hobby stuff. A few times I took wine tasting classes. A few times I went out with some of the locals I met through work. All of this & I don’t even consider myself a very outgoing or particularly social guy. Don’t overthink it-just dig into whatever interests you. Getting out with my dog daily (often multiple times) though was a real game changer
I see myself as a hermit, so it became an artform.
Loneliness is like any other pain. If you experience it long enough, you’ll simply go numb to it. It will become your new normal.
You might try to fill the void with a hobby or something. Nothing really scratches that itch in a meaningful way. Unfortunately humans are social animals by default.
No but i realise for over 50s its a real issue. Talking to folk on here is a half decent start. If you want irl friends first you have to understand that folk become less tolerant and quicker to judge with age. Quite a few guys develop a toxic alpha male first impression which can be tiring especially if you realise that they’re actually like that at all times and not a front at all. I’d try having something to offer, volunteer in some way. Do dog walking to get out and about. I recognise it’s not easy nothing worth while is. Imo its a legacy of othering and being told to hate or not trust various groups in society basically divide & rule or at least the start of it. Once people understand how alike most of us really are drop the bs and open up a bit society might start healing a bit. Im not a hippy, just interested in social political and economic issues. Making it economically unrealistic for the working man to go to the pub or social club did a lot of long term damage to mens social life and mental health.
Get yourself surrounded with women and befriend them, make little efforts for them without asking anything in return. Makes life much more enjoyable.
Physiotherapist? Female.
Nurse? Female.
Beautician? Female.
Massage therapist? Female.
Art teacher? Female.
They love it when someone appreciates their skill, leaves tips, recommends them to friends. And if you’re open about looking for a girlfriend, you can just jokingly ask them to recommend their best friend.
You stop noticing at one point as you get used to it.
I have. 2 things helped. First, I love to have hobbies and projects to get into. I obsess over them. I get depressed if I don’t have them.
Next, when I was single, I made it a point to date and meet new people. Tons of ways of doing that but it worked for me. It’s important you don’t do this with expectations of others. They will mostly disappoint you. Just go into it open minded, no expected outcome. Eventually, when your guard is down you will meet a new friend, girlfriend, or better yet hook up.
What doesn’t work for me is sitting around too much. When I get in a rut, I have to force myself to go do something I normally like. Even if I don’t feel like it
I became a gambling addict to the point where I had severe anxiety and depression, living on my own and barely going out with bad debt and a job paying just over min wage.
Then a friend set me up with one of his wives friends for a bit of a blind date to see if it could help me. Ended up getting her pregnant on that first date.
We decided to see how it worked out, we moved in together, I had a mental breakdown and ended up on medication for OCD and anxiety.
I one day, when my son was about 4 months old decided to stop fucking about, threw away the medication, put my big boy pants on and man of the house up a bit.
That was 7 years ago. I’m just about to go for my 4th promotion to 3x my starting salary and we’re looking to move into our 3rd upgrade of a house, I’ve got good mental health and I’ve been gamble free for a few years.
Pretty wild roller coaster.
I drink. Eventually I got used to it, but still
You get used to it after a while. It hit me when covid started in 2020 and there were reports of people struggling with isolation and being alone, while it was just another day for others.
This year I have been trying to be more social, and it is very difficult when you have been alone for so long. But theres also peace to it.
The best way to handle it in my opinion is to create a better relationship with yourself. Take yourself out on dates, learn new hobbies, take some risks. Eat healthy, excercise, and get some fresh air and sunlight. Limit human interaction by doing volunterring, or saying hi to a stranger.
I’d imagine a lot of us are in isolation because of how the world treated us.
To get out of it entirely, it requires courage and exposure therapy. Your reason to get out has to be stronger than the pain and fear you feel.
Everyday, I’m almost 30(28 as of right now)my youth is pretty much gone. I just try to focus on something I enjoy as of now. The only time when I really feel it is when I’m scrolling on social media and something triggers it and if I go out and do something by myself at night and I see friends hanging laughing together or couples. I just try to tell myself that life ain’t fair and try my best to be appreciative of the life I have that’s all I can do about it.
where/with who it’s applicable
Quit porn/masturbation and hit the gym
Yes, I’m going through that at the moment, and have been for years now. I’m perpetually involuntarily single and I live alone. My last friend ghosted me. I only have my mother and my niece and nephew who I see about once a month, if I’m lucky. I have bad depression for 15+ years, for which I’m in treatment but I don’t have any confidence that the fourth stint in therapy will be the charm.
I did buy a weighed stuffed animal and it gives me enormous comfort. It weighs almost 2 kg and when I hold it, it’s like someone is hugging me back. I love to have it with me when I’m on the couch watching tv or in bed when falling asleep. Or just to hold when I come home from a soul-sucking day at work.
Loneliness is a state of mind, when I look at the divorce rates and so many unhappy couples it reminds me that people are in relationships and are lonelier then I have ever been. it could always be worse so my life is pretty damn good with or without someone else in it.
In my 50s, with 2 teens that go to 3 schools, and play 4 sports. I’m a business owner and my wife has her own career. I don’t have time to deal with it, and no real time to hang out and develop something, if it were to come along…
But I know it’s there, and know I’m going to likely fall off a loneliness “cliff” as soon as the kids start becoming more independent.
Out? You can get out of this?
Adopted a doggie. Makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. Only thing keeping me alive to be honest…..
I made friends through protests and strike action 😁
Accepted the inherent and eternal loneliness and solitude of life
Yeah I’m in it now
It be like that sometimes, what can ya do?
THERAPY. It doesn’t make you less manly or gay or whatever you might be worried about. If you can’t relate to people you are needing some work. It doesn’t mean you’re a piece of shit. It just means you need some help. I needed plenty
Struggling? Nah, I’ve gotten pretty good at it now
I do things alone but in public. Went to see 28 years later alone last night. Got a cool Jurassic world tub of popcorn and kicked my feet up and enjoyed the movie. As long as I’m out in public I don’t feel lonely. If I’m in the house 24/7 then the depression will sneak up on you slowly.
I have seen variations of this same question posted in this subreddit many times the past few weeks. It seems like the same question are being asked here again and again.
Search function anyone??
Joined meetup.com and whatever apps that I sends me ONLY events (not Facebook or Instagram, if anything, DELETE those!), worked on my personal health and hygiene, expanded my interests, found a group of supportive guys on the same personal development journey. You have to realize, there’s no loneliness or boredom, either you’re working on yourself or finding events and getting social. Also, invite people out and never take it personal if they turn you down, and go out and do it anyways even if it is by yourself. Inviting people to things is a small cost, big reward action because people will you’re busy and will want to join.
Forever alone…
Passions
Eventually you learn that we’re even pretty much still alone even when we’re in relationships.
Passions are the answer when you’re alone, and Passions are still the answer even when you’re in a relationship.
If you want someone that you can let your emotions out around, get a dog.
Dealing with it now and I cant explain the void of pain and isolation you feel. People here say you get used to it but you never do. If they’re used to it then they’re suppressing their emotions.
Variety. Some time I spend with partners and young kids. Other times I date random girls or rather go on dates with them. Live in different cities. Set up nice houses or offices in each of them. Get hobbies you can do alone at night: watch anime, play games. Have a few close girls as confidants
You get used to it