I’ve posted in here before about the abhorrent behaviour of my in-laws when my own Mum passed away 3 weeks after the birth of our child.
Since then, they’ve visited roughly every few months, and I withdraw further and further with each visit. My husband and I barely fight, but we always have a massive argument after their visits because of their snide remarks that build up and my resentment at him for allowing his parents to speak to me the way they do.
My MIL is a one-upper, and thinks she’s LO’s Mum when she’s here. She barges her way into my kitchen and uses my ingredients to bake and make meals. She stops at the supermarket because she “didn’t think I’d have enough food” – my husband explains this as her being helpful, when I know its her way of pissing in my territory and making a statement of what she thinks of how I keep a home.
They take over, they rearrange my cupboards, they make passive aggressive comments about how LO is dressed, they try to parent my child, they comment on my weight, they ask me how my Dad is (when they KNOW I don’t speak to him, haven’t in years), they invite themselves on our holidays, they tell me my child is allergic to dairy (shes not), they say there’s ZERO likeness between me and LO despite me and her being blonde with blue eyes, she barges into our bedroom while we’re in bed with LO and sits down to join in the family time, while I’m literally in my nightie! .. I could go on and on.
They disagree with me going back to work after a whole years maternity leave, I never get away with talking about work without a comment on how my toddler is in daycare and that they never did that to their kids. They suggested that my salary probably isn’t worth going back for (it is, I am successful in my field) and that my child will be damaged from being left to be ‘rasied’ by strangers.
My husband either doesn’t perceive their comments the way I do or he explains them as “they didn’t mean it like that”
But the thing that I find the most hurtful, is she always makes at least one comment about being LO’s *only* grandma.. as if she’s pleased that my Mum died.
They’ve planned another visit and I booked to get my wisdom teeth out that week, just so I have a reason to not see them much.
I love my husband, he’s a kind, reasonable, hes hands on with our child, he’s a wonderful husband.
But he has a massive gaping blind spot when it comes to his parents.
He has heard me over and over again in our arguments about how his parents have hurt and continue to hurt me. But he wants me to just swallow it rather than him address it with them. He would rather ‘keep the peace’ but what that means is that his and their peace is kept, while I am in turmoil.
What do I do? I have tried to call them out on their crap, but I would honestly be doing that all day if I addressed everything.
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Until your husband starts defending you, and makes boundaries with his parents. You will always have an inlaw problem op!
What happens when you call her out in the moment or say no?
If someone just waltzed into my bedroom I would be kicking them straight back out. If they tried to reorganise my kitchen I’d be telling them to put it back exactly as they found it. Hell, I don’t even let people do the dishes when we host because I don’t want people in my kitchen.
By staying silent you are allowing the behaviour to pass as if it’s not a big deal which allows your husband to pretend it’s not that bad.
You set boundaries. He needs to get on the same page with you as far as what to listen for and when to step in. If you tell her:
And she does it anyway- then its on him to call it out. If he doesnt then youve given him a chance and now you need to say the things. This is your home. Your safe place and she is stomping all over it and he is letting her.
It’s time where since he won’t set the boundaries and keep your peace, YOU do it.
Call her out on her shit. Put the kitchen back. Get out of our room. Etc.
Your husband need to grow a pair . And you need to set the boundaries
Time to bite the bullet and be the bad guy. If your husband isn’t going to grow a spine and protect you and your LO, then you are going to have to.
You address these insults by asking a question, calmly and with a puzzled look.
“Why would you think your son and I don’t have enough food?”
“Why would you ask how my father is when you know we aren’t in contact?”
“Are you saying you’re happy my mother is dead?”
“Why do think I’m not successful professionally and not paid well?”
“Do you think it’s polite to comment on my weight?”
And whatever she answers, “your comment is out of line.” Say it calmly and maintain eye contact. Practice saying these things out loud and in a mirror.
And to your husband, “since you refuse to acknowledge your mother’s slights and insults to your wife and to honor your marital vows, I will be standing up for myself. I hope you find your way towards stepping up and being the husband I deserve. And I hope you understand that when she insults me, she also insulting you and your choice of a life partner.”
Tell your husband his parents aren’t allowed back in your home until he gets therapy and learns how to put boundaries and consequences in place. If he refuses, I would take my child and leave while they’re there. He’s not a wonderful husband if he’s allowing his parents to treat you and your home this way.
Calmly call her out every time she makes a remark and ask her to explain it. Just keep asking and she’ll either double down or backpedal. If she doubles down, ask her why she holds that opinion with no supporting evidence. When she mentions she’s the only grandma, ask her if she’s happy your mom died. By making people explain themselves when they make shit remarks is a quiet flex.
Call her out every time. If your husband wants to keep the peace, then it needs to be all out war until you get your boundaries respected. And if he ultimately chooses his mom over you then at least you know.
“Keep the peace” means that he’s more afraid of their anger than of yours. Time to change that,
Start yelling at them and telling them off when they visit. What’s the worst that will happen? Give them a taste of their own medicine. Worst that will happen is that you divorce your useless husband. Best? They stop visiting.
Ask your husband when he’s going to be man enough to stop being the subservient child of his parents, and instead, grow up and be a husband/father/partner/leader of his own family. He needs to stop making excuses for his mother‘s behavior, and start reminding her that she is a guest in your home, and she is now extended family, and has absolutely no business commenting on your parenting, or how you keep your house, or how you dress, or whether or not you work outside the home, etc. All of those things are decisions to be made between you and your husband. All of those things are none of her business. She has no right to comment on any of them. And if she can’t keep her trap shut, there’s no reason for her to be in your home and have access to hurt you. It’s his job to protect you and his child. From physical, emotional and mental harm. Whether or not he sees that any of her behavior bothers you, the fact that you tell him that it bothers you, should be more than enough for him to address it, and stop it. Tell him that if he does not address this with his
mother, you will, and he may not like the way you handle it. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be disrespected or made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.
Since your husband won’t do it, be the bad guy and Clap. Back. Every. Time. Practice your comebacks ahead of time in the mirror if you need to. “
“Wait, MIL? Did you just make it sound like you’re glad my Mom is dead?? Is that what you really mean by that??”
“Wait MIL, are you implying I don’t go to the grocery store? I don’t feed my family? Is that what you mean by that?”
“Honey, did you move everything around in the kitchen cabinets?? What’s that about?! Oh, ILs you did that?! Why? What would make you think it’s ok to come in someone else’s house and reorganize their house? That’s just overstepping and weird!! Please don’t do that again! I would never do that to you!”
Say all of the above with an incredulous/ horrified /judgy expression.
“We are LOs parents and this is what we’ve both agreed is best practice. You criticizing our choices is very hurtful and undermines our parenting. Please stop.” Repeat as many times as necessary.
Be prepared, hubs is not going to like it, ILs will really not like it, BUT you can protect YOUR peace and LOs future peace. ILs will get the message and back off. Husband might actually grow a spine and follow along. Good luck.
Your in-laws are NOT “driving a wedge”. Your husband is the whole problem.
If he handled his parents and set clear boundaries that he actually enforced, all would be well.
But he isn’t. He’s choosing them over you, plain and simple.
Consequences.
You need to set boundaries with specific consequences. Yes, he will throw an “It’s not a big deal, why are you being such a–(whatever)” fit.
Let him tantrum, let him silent treatment, let him do whatever he decides to do. But hopefully the words “I cannot and WILL not continue to live like this. This is what needs to change, and this is what will happen if it doesn’t” will at least get his attention. If it doesn’t, follow through. Follow through or this will be your life forever.
And he may not be an ax murderer, but that doesn’t matter. The situation is intolerable. He could be Mahatma Ghandi and if he were creating/allowing a situation that was impossible to live with, you would eventually have to take action. If necessary, you might have to leave, long enough to convince him you’re serious–a break to clear your head, call it.
Yeah, so you’re going to have to start calling them out on every single shitty comment. Your husband’s noodle-spine is going to continue to build resentment.
“Let that be the last comment you make about my body/hair/clothes.”
“Let me be clear: do not move or rearrange anything in my home. If you want to rearrange something, do it at your house. I will ask you to leave if you move our things.”
Lock your bedroom door. No one should be able to enter your room without your permission.
“You see LO ____ times a year. Are you really going to spend your time with her complaining about her clothes? Seriously?”
Your ILs and husband aren’t going to be happy with the new you, but I promise you’ll fall better after they’re gone. Counter every shitty comment. Maybe they won’t come back!
Put locks on your cupboards. Remove and hide all your food. Strip the guestroom. Take yourself and your kids for a staycation. Let your spineless husband who doesn’t have your back deal with the fallout.