Here is the situation: My fiance used to have a casual FWB thing going on with this woman, who is closer to our age (she is 30, I am 26 and he is 28) who just happens to be his mother’s best friend (they worked together). She is and during their FWB was already engaged to her highschool sweetheart, and so she cheated on her fiance with my fiance. (He didn’t know she was engaged for the longest time, both her and his mom kept it quiet from him, because they hoped they would end up dating). This girl used to talk MAD crap about his mom while they were hooking up, like, completely left her to the side.
Fast forward, my fiance and I got serious, he told me everything and showed me all the messages where he told her over and over again, they can have casual fun, but nothing serious as he isn’t into her like that. She agreed and she knew that. She kept trying to spend time with him, even though I was in the picture and she knew about it, and she wanted him to cheat on me. Time after time again he told her to back off, while eventually she got blocked.
Now that she’s blocked and out of the picture, she is magically best friends with his mom again. She is at every family event, and my MIL invites her to EVERYTHING even when we host something. One time, this girl even planned a “girls day” with my daughter, sister in law, and my mother in law with out me, and the excuse was that “she can’t be around me because I hurt her feelings” (how, by not letting go of my boundaries and you trying to get alone with my fiance? oh.. ok)
The worst part is, my MIL knows about everything that went down. She knows her “bestie” crossed major boundaries. She says to my face how much she loves me and supports our relationship, then she goes to social media and posting shady comments and pictures with her “best friend”. She praises this woman at every family event, while every move I make gets picked apart. One time I walked in and I said “Hey guys” – apparently that was too rude because I didn’t say hi to her individually. Make it make sense).
I am trying to keep the peace, but I just feel disrespected as his fiance. My fiance and her haven’t had any contact for over a year, and lately when we see her at his mom’s house, she mainly tries to focus on our daughter and be all buddy buddy with her and stuff. She doesn’t say much to us (good. thank the lord!). His mom just feels fake and exhausting, for praising her best friend and acting like I am the villian in this story. My fiance said his mom hoped that he would end up with her, because she is her best friend, and she would know the ins and outs of their relationship. With me, she doesn’t. So she lost “control”.
She says she is over it, but a couple weeks ago she asked his 14-year-old sister how me and her brother are doing, and if she likes our relationship and if I ever talk shit about her to his sister. Like what? You are involving a child now? Ok.
I hate that I have to playt nice while someone who disrespected me and my relationship is constantly rewarded and protected.
Upcoming Thursday is when I have to see her again at his sister’s graduation because ofcourse she is going to be there. I am going to miss the ceremony. I trust my fiance and I know he won’t entertain her, but I already know once I walk into the restaurant meeting them, she is gonna be sitting there with a grin on her face either close to him or acting like something happened while I was away. She has done this before, hence why I am assuming this again.
Advice? Validation? A reality check? I’ll take it.
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Why was your daughter taken to the girls day without you?
Are you prepared to deal with this woman during your whole marriage?
Honestly, yall should stop going to events where she’ll be. I know it’s easier said than done because of his sister but if I were in your shoes and my fiancé’s exfwb’s tried talking to my child, I’d rip her a new ahole! I’m from the south where decorum and manners are always expected but we all have our limits. I’d stop responding to any of them and your fiancé needs to give his mom an ultimatum, her bff or having him in her life.
You’re basically in a bad soap opera, but the weirdest part is your MIL’s starring role as the villain’s hype woman. Trust your gut, no one who openly backs a boundary-pusher like that deserves your respect. Keep your distance, focus on your fiancé and kid, and let the circus run itself. Missing the ceremony sounds like a decent self-care move.
Um, why do you have to “play nice”? And why would you put yourself in a spot where these mean high school girls get the opportunity to pick you apart?
You aren’t overreacting, you are underreacting. MIL can be buddies with whomever, but you aren’t obligated to be around her & her work wife. Drop the rope, inform bf you’ll be noping out of future events because you’re done dealing with immature women who peaked in high school.
I did this because I got fed up with the constant, chronic comparison of other DIL & me. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want kids. I had a thriving career, nice things, and ambitions, so I was “standoffish.” Ok. If by standoffish, you mean I have a low tolerance for mean girl politics & drama, then yes, I’m standoffish. So I told DH I’m done, I won’t be where they are. I have family, friends and hobbies and I can make my own plans.
Ironically, in a bizarre plot twist, other DIL set the bed on fire with the in-laws. Oops. Guess she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips. And when they wanted to drag us in, we said nope. We are Switzerland, don’t want to know, don’t care. Peddle that clown car on down the road.
Your MIL’s got a serious case of cognitive dissonance, and you’re the punching bag. Don’t play nice; set boundaries and expect respect. If that means skipping the graduation ceremony, so be it. Your sanity’s worth more than fake family harmony.
How can MIL invite that thing if you are hosting ?
His mother’s best friend is a woman significantly younger than her, who talks poorly about MIL, drops her when she feels like it, and is constantly trying to get with MIL’s sons. Like, the fact that this is what MIL is seeking in a friendship indicates a level of immaturity that goes beyond this being about you. She craves the friendship and approval of this exciting “young” person, and you stand in the way of that. Any person your partner is with would stand in the way of that. MIL is proud to be able to offer her “connection” to her own sons as an incentive for this woman to hang out with her.
That being said – your partner had an ongoing sexual relationship with his mother’s best friend. While she is age appropriate for him, and he was not aware of her engaged status initially (but it doesn’t sound like he ended things once he was??), she was still best friends with his mom. That is a level of messy that I would personally be uncomfortable with.
I don’t think there are any clear cut solutions. MIL is absolutely being disrespectful by allowing this all to continue, but she is not an emotionally mature person who will be improving. MIL is not going to drop the best friend for treating you poorly. She won’t even drop the best friend for treating her poorly. Your husband played a pivotal role in creating the very situation he would now be making MIL drop the best friend to clean up.
In your position, I would have a serious conversation with partner. How does he feel about what has been happening, what does he want to happen, what do you want to happen, what is the middle ground, what do you both need to feel comfortable, etc. Like if you are at NC, and he is at “just ignore her,” then clearly, there’s a lot of work to get to middle ground. But maybe you are both at neither of you feel comfortable at events where friend is present, and will endeavor not to go to any moving forward.
I am trying to understand why 1) you would let her come to your house 2) if you know she goes to your MIL’s why you let your child around them? You really are letting them both walk all over you. I’m sorry but it is no wonder that your MIL pulls the crap she does and why the ex smiles like a cat with the cream. Stop being so passive and start standing up for yourself
Does his mom know the crap ex-FWB said about her? Your fiance needs to set her straight AND set a boundary that if EX is there at any gathering, he won’t be.
Fiancée needs to tell MIL in no uncertain terms that this woman is not welcome as her plus one to your events. You cannot control what goes on elsewhere but she is not welcome in your home or at your gatherings wherever they may be. If she does not listen, they BOTH will be made to leave.
If she is at an event your MIL hosts then you will decide whether or not to attend. I personally wouldn’t at all since she’s actively trying to sabotage your relationship.
Let it be known NOW that if they even think of attending your wedding together they will both be made to leave and you will go no contact.
MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! Have him come and meet you outside and walk back in together to assert your dominance 😇
Stop playing nice.
If I were you, my daughter and I would not be spending any time with MIL until she decides to actually support your relationship and act accordingly. But we both know that isn’t going to happen. Maybe the best you can do is not go to events or places where the Ex FWB is. Your daughter does not need to have a relationship with this stranger.
You should ask your fiancé how he feels about his mother prioritizing her friendship with this high school mean girl over her relationship with her granddaughter.
You gotta shut this shit down REAL fast. It is very simple. MIL gotta pick between you and her son or her “bestie”. “Bestie” wont be at any event where you or your husband will be. NO EXEPTIONS
fiancé needs to tell MIL to cut the crap. He needs to draw a firm hard boundary. He needs to not show up without you. He needs to turn his heel if he walks in and sees her.
Perhaps sit separately from mil and her bestie. Ensure he sits beside his sister at dinner and saves a seat for you. If mil or ex/bff say anything he should say I want to sit beside my Fiancé.
I was in similar position and my so had to block ex everywhere and explicitly say you cross and don’t respect my boundaries. I respect my partner too much to keep entertaining your behaviour. He then told his mom if she was there he wouldn’t be. It’s his boundary.
Does your mil know what exfwb said about her?