MIL is toxic. I’m pretty sure covert, too. As I dealt with a professionally diagnosed covert. MIL is the same to almost a T. Doesn’t take accountability, has a weird enmeshed Goddess worship relationship with her sons. Never acknowledges my feelings, or pain, things I’m always lying or overexaggerating even if it almost costs me my literal health. Has tried to gluten me, knowing I cannot have gluten. She also frequently spams DH with texts and calls, involving multiple family members. Saying how he needs frequent signs he’s alive and is worried. She is never worried about my safety though. If we miss a family meeting, she talks shit about me and assumes it’s my fault. And I’m keeping DH from his family.
MIL has admitted she doesn’t feel empathy for me and can’t. And it would take her months to process, because she is focused on herself. She literally said her emotions, needs, wants come first because it’s self care and unhealthy to do otherwise. She says she does this because she gave so much to her kids, that she deserves to be more important than anyone else now that she’s older.
All this while still faking nice, supportive, hugging me and being sweet when DH is around. There are so many other little things you can read above. Or in other posts. MIL literally only talks about herself, her dreams, her hobbies, her life, or her and her memories with her sons.
Every family meeting. It’s always about her, her sons lives and placing herself in their lives. No one has ever tried to get to know me. Nothing is ever about me, unless it’s to call me out for not looking happy enough to be there. Or asking if I want a divorce and hate her and DH. But she makes tons of assumptions on my character. Despite never actually sitting down and getting to know more than only my favorite color and food.
DH and I agree we don’t want to go to any family events for a few months. We’re thinking of maybe letting Thanksgiving and Christmas slide. Maybe her birthday, but DH says he refuses to support me getting her gifts anymore. She recently posted a thank you of Mother’s day gifts she received on social media. From random people, her job, sewing friends, and other partners of my BILs. She excluded only my gift. Literally only mine. This is what I mean by the fake nice … she was acting like my best friend then proceeded to literally leave me out the day after.
She mentioned DH as single .. with no wife in the post (she always does this, never acknowledges my existence). Some distant family that we didn’t have contact with, only found out DH married after accidentally seeing me. They were shocked because MIL kept them up to date with family news. But somehow forgot to mention DH getting married … She talks about all of the other partners, though.
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My question is, how the hell do we deal with this? MIL is very, very fake nice. If confronted, it will just lead to her yelling, screaming, banging on things and sobbing about how she’s hurt we could think slightly negative of her. That’s what happened last time.
DH and I still want contact with some family and distant family. Who all seem sweet. They actually cared to get to know me and ask questions. While also sharing information about themselves. Interactions felt balanced, genuine and not overly love-bombing. But we’re worried about MIL and flying monkeys (BILs and SIL) reaction. As we kind of only plan to go to 2-3 family meetings a year.
We haven’t thought out communication yet. But I’m terrified of a smear campaign. DH is very avoidant of conflict. Im more assertive and prefer a resolution and happy ending. I don’t want DH to lose contact with all family … and I desperately want some relationship with my in laws. Maybe I’m projecting a bit, because DH doesn’t seem too bothered at not contacting them. But because I lost my family, I want some family around and don’t want DH to feel the grief I do.
Is it possible? Or are we being too rose-lensed? Is it best if we just block and accept our losses?
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What helped me the absolute most was going NC and discovering Dr. Jerry Wise and Dr. Ramani on YouTube. They have a ton of content I’ve watched the majority of. I highly recommend Dr.Wise to literally everyone. He talks about self-differentiation and family systems impacts on us beyond our childhood.
I know that you are being treated unfairly, but you also are describing wanting MIL to consider your feelings. She isn’t capable of that. You’re focus is on the wrong thing. She is talking poorly about you behind your back. So what? Is she someone whose opinion you value? Do you not see that she is living in a delusion that she is the #1 person in her kids lives and she is unable to accept that her kids aren’t prioritizing her? You know the truth, why do you think it bothers you that she disagrees?
You’re going to need to work on yourself, your sense of security, your inherent value, and learn to not be reactive.
Dr. Wise does a great job explaining how to let go and exist outside of others toxic enmeshed cycles. He made me realize that I played a big part in my issues with my covert MIL because I really wanted approval. I worked to be valued and let her decide what my value was, and that never should have been. I am super reactive and get triggered by the underhanded way my MIL and SIL set me up to look bad, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. I can be the bad guy and be happy with my choices
The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play. They change the rules to suit their current circumstances whether or not that completely contradicts what happened earlier.
You MIL is mine. I died death by a thousand cuts.
I went full NC. I have a post history.
You can’t get everything you want. There will be fall out. You have to accept those consequences. But there is also payout. I have grown so much as a person now that I don’t pour all of my energy into managing my MIL.
I lost my family, my inlaw family, that is. A good chunk of them. But the thing is, I don’t want them. If they are so easily fooled by her stories or not ready to be done with her manipulation, I don’t want them in my life. After several years, some came around. You can see they feel bad, that they have that “you were right,” and they know they were part of the abuse because they enabled it. But by the time they did I had healed so much it meant nothing.
You don’t need to confront her if it will become problematic. Just start to greyrock her. Be polite, noncomittal, don’t engage with her too much. Take up a hobby like knitting or crochet then start listening to audio books while doing it. Everytime your around her.
Sounds like your MIL’s got a bad case of narcissistic personality disorder. You’ve already figured out the fake nice act, now it’s time to set boundaries and prioritize your own sanity. Limiting contact to 2-3 family meetings a year might be a good start. Be prepared for drama, though. Your assertiveness can help balance DH’s avoidant nature. Don’t expect a resolution or happy ending with your MIL, but you can try to maintain some relationships with other family members if they’re genuinely interested in getting to know you.
Honestly, your MIL sounds textbook covert narcissist with a dash of emotional terrorism. You’re not overreacting, she’s weaponizing “fake nice” to keep control.
Trying to play nice or reason with her is like pouring water on a grease fire. If DH’s avoidant, you’re stuck being the sane one holding the rope, which sucks.
Smear campaigns from flying monkeys? Guaranteed. You gotta decide: is half-assed contact with toxic baggage worth the mental toll? Blocking might feel harsh, but sometimes the only peace is no contact.
Family isn’t blood, it’s who treats you like you matter. If you’re chasing a ghost, you’ll burn out.
Keep your circle small, keep your sanity intact. Your health and peace > fake holiday dinners with her circus.
The sooner that you accept thoroughly that she will never, ever change, no matter what you say, no matter how logically you present your side, the sooner you two will be able to separate her from a place where she can hurt you.
No matter how you do it, she will always hate you and blame you for stealing her baby boy, so you might as well live your life entirely for yourself, and drop all ropes, along with expectations of different behavior, ever.
The most succinct analogy that I can relate about dropping the rope and expectations is:
Mary is always late. No matter how important the occasion, no matter if it’s her own wedding, Mary will arrive late. No amount of talking, no matter how any watches and alarm clocks she is gifted, or how many times she swears that she understands how important it is to be on time, the bitch has never been on time once.
Do you let Mary offer to drive you to the airport?
No.
You don’t have to give Mary shit for it, but you also don’t have to miss your flight. You get to the airport a different way, and thank Mary for wanting to be a helpful friend.
Mil does not need a thoughtful gift. You can be sure that if you don’t give her one, she will cry.
You don’t need to miss the plane. Get Mil a mediocre, low-effort gift, or a shitty one. Or one that everyone can enjoy, like flowers or cake. Or a shitty cake, lol. But what you’re NOT doing is thanking Mary for the offer and then sitting around for two hours, worrying about your flight. Give her whatever gift, then have no expectations of Mil suddenly realizing that you deserve something in return, like appreciation.
You will never get that. Never.
Just accepted that she hates my guts, then all of her hurtful behavior towards me finally made sense. Coverts act the opposite of what they say. So if they say they love you, be assured they despise you. I stay away from my MIL and never intend to go near her again. She had 20 years to be my friend if she wanted to and we don’t like each other, that says it all.