I know some men who completely shut down when conflict (big or small) arises. They don’t want to talk, they get quiet, and get reserved. What can be done when a man gets super uncomfortable with discussing any kind of issue and they don’t want to resolve the issue itself and beat around the bush?
What to do when men shut down?
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I know some men who completely shut down when conflict (big or small) arises. They don’t want to talk, they get quiet, and get reserved. What can be done when a man gets super uncomfortable with any kind of issues?
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Could be a coping mechanism when they previously had a hot head and resorted to anger. So they’re trying to control the anger but swinging too much in the opposite direction
Best thing you can do is leave them alone.
They will let you know when they are ready to talk
Give them space and talk later
Space + time
Some of us shut down because that’s how we were taught to deal with Big Feelings.
You know your gentleman better than us but on a limb, I’d try to give it some time and then try again, and be less confrontational (but no less firm) and adopt a caring, gentle, dare I say motherly tone.
If he still shuts down (or worse, lashes out) after that, he’s not a man, he’s a boy.
You leave them alone, but let them know its safe to be honest with you, as in you won’t judge, or you won’t bring it up later on to other people, or bring it up against them later, or you won’t make it about yourself.
And if you’ve done any of that to another man before and they know it or seen it, they’ll never open up to you to all so don’t bother.
Calm down, that’s what you do. You being angry/upset and them wanting to not say anything to make things worse is the reason they shut down, so calm down.
Remove your emotions from the equation and discuss things rationally.
That may be controlling anger, or they may be protecting themselves because of past experiences which affected them deeply. It’s very difficult to break through that, and if the man is someone you care about, it’s a good idea to get guidance from a therapist.
Let them know you will talk when they are ready. Give them a time you check back with them “we can try talking about it tomorrow”
Maybe try asking them to write out what they are thinking or what they are feeling to help process it. They don’t need to share that but it should help them with words
Coming from myself, when men shut down, it’s often self-protection, not just avoidance. What you can do is offer calm and safety, but it’s not your job to drag them into maturity. Something as simple as “Im here for you whenever you need me.”
If they keep avoiding real talk, that’s a choice on them.
Depends what the ‘conflict’ is. Maybe their problem solving skills aren’t up there, or they have something else more pressing going on that their mind is having trouble focusing. However, if the ‘conflict’ is more of a complaint or belittling, maybe they grew up with a degrading mother and shutdown as a response of powerlessness from the trauma, or they just can’t be bothered to deal with it because if they do, its a lose-lose for the man.
Don’t pester at all. The more you insist they open up, the more locks go on the door and the thicker the walls are built. Leave him alone until HE’s ready to talk about it
If your relationship has a future. You should tell him so. Don’t follow it with ultimatums. (Black male.)
Men are used to never being heard, dismissed because we’re men. Most of the time shutting down like that is just an unconscious response to how we’ve been treated in the past. Were constantly told our opinions don’t matter.
I think people see the 10% of men that are loud and in power, and assume it is the same for all men. It’s not at all.
What saying he’s “beating around the bush” tells me is he has an opinion that differs from yours, in some way you’re trying to insist he agree with you, and he’s probably stated his opinion clearly but you didn’t accept it. His only choices are to agree with you, or shut down. The little bit of conviction he has left is slowly overcoming his desire to appease you.
Trying listening to him, don’t argue.
When men argue with women they will sometimes shut down because men argue using logic and women argue with emotion. And once men realize that logic is out the window they will realize it’s useless to argue anymore.
Let him be.
my head goes: “what do i say” “how should i say it”…
Give them time and space.
They may not want to say/do anything they regret.
They may be conflict averse and have had issues/trauma in the past relating to this that stops them being able to fully express themselves. Raising conflict in a “safe” manner through a lowered tone of voice and focus on the issue whilst avoiding blaming a party might help.
It’s not healthy, that’s for sure
Let him come to you. Or just let him know if he wants someone to listen and hear him out.
If I’m shutting down I most likely need to process how I actually feel about something as opposed to what it seems like I feel and/or feel prone to say or do something I know I don’t want to do. The best thing someone could do for me is to give me space especially if I ask for it.
Sex is the answer
It’s called “stonewalling” its a defense mechanism. Similar to fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I dealt with it for most of my life. Nobody likes the answer but therapy is the way to get past it. Sure there’s things you can do to help but It’s not on the person the wall has been placed in front of but more the person putting up the wall.
I should also mention both people are victims with true stonewalling. Many times that person desperately wants to talk but your brain shuts down except to continue to defend, which is when problems usually happen. A good string to pull for more information on this is again “stonewalling” and “emotional flooding”
Sometimes you have to just allow that space. I would say a letter with your thoughts, but I would hate to put something down in writing that someone could later use against you. The problem with a lot of guys is that we sometimes have a hard time articulating our feelings when we’re emotional. Hopefully he understands how to communicate, but I will be honest, a lot of my brothers think it’s a sign of weakness. If he’s unwilling to communicate, it may be a sign of more hardships to come. You’ll have to decide if you want to continue to work on the relationship or look elsewhere.
buy him a drink and give him some space, let him know youre there for him but still give him space
Honestly leave them alone!
My wife has perfected this.
She says : “I understand you are processing, I am a safe place to come back to if and when you are ready to talk.”
And then BE a safe place when he comes back to talk.
I think the work has to be put in in the good times to build a safe space to mitigate those moments.