Hey everyone, I’m in my early 30s and I have slight autism, so sometimes I struggle with relationships and overthinking things. I’m in my longest relationship so far, and I really need some honest perspective from other guys.
Long story short, I had a few short relationships and flings in my late 20s/early 30s. Now I’ve been with my current girlfriend for a while, and things are going well on the surface, but I keep wondering if we’re truly right for each other long term.
She’s genuinely a great person. She treats everyone well, lives by that “treat others how you want to be treated” mindset, and has strong values. She’s thoughtful, kind, and I honestly can’t imagine her doing anything cruel or malicious.
But there are a few things I struggle with:
Lifestyle differences: I’m really into health, fitness, and looking after my body. She’s overweight and doesn’t seem interested in changing that. She eats fast food regularly and doesn’t prioritise health. I’ve never tried to pressure her or lecture her — I respect that she’s her own person — but it’s tough watching someone I love make choices I know can harm them long-term.
Mindset/drive: I’m also big into self-improvement and building a better life — mentally, physically, financially. She doesn’t really have that drive. She’s content with where she is, which is admirable in one sense, but I don’t feel pushed or inspired to grow when I’m around her. That said, she’s not materialistic, which I really appreciate. She doesn’t chase status or appearances, and that’s something I value a lot.
Chemistry/banter: We don’t really have that spontaneous, fun, flirty banter I’ve experienced in the past. Our personalities get along fine, but it’s not electric. Being with her feels “safe” more than exciting or energising. Sometimes I miss that feeling of playfulness and spark.
Physical attraction: This is hard to admit, but I’m also unsure about the physical attraction. I do find things I like about her, but it’s not as strong as I wish it was. I’ve tried to understand whether I’m just being shallow or if this is something I should listen to. I honestly don’t know how much this should matter in the big picture.
I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic, overly picky, or if these are genuine signs that we’re not compatible long term. I’ve never been in a relationship this long, so I don’t really know what’s “normal” or what should be a dealbreaker.
Any thoughts ?
Comments
If you have any doubts, then there is your answer. You should be sure
She’s a good person, yes. But that doesn’t make her the right person. Don’t confuse kindness with compatibility.
Are you proud of her, and proud to be with her?
over the years, people have many relationships. if you have doubts, move on.
Hey so i don’t have any great advice but just don’t necessarily listen to the people on here who are immediately like “if you have doubts move on” because as someone who also doubts everything, i know that could completely ruin your life. This might be bad advice but maybe look at the reasons you’re happy with her and see if they override the things you’re frustrated with. Like i dont wanna suggest a pro-cons list but honestly, id do it. Also have a conversation with her about some of these doubts that you’re feeling, see if that can reassure you or solidify anything in your mind
You should talk to her about her health. That’s a big one. The rest doesn’t really have to be exactly the same to be happy unless that’s what you need.
Finding a good person you are compatible with is the hardest thing. Figure out if you are both in the same page with wanting children. That’s usually the easiest filter. If you both want kids encourage her to be healthier for that reason. If one of you does and one of you doesn’t that’s a good reason to call it.
Autistic people need to stay active since lactic acid helps our brain. See if you can get her to do stuff with you like hiking or etc. the kicker though is if she starts doing stuff she doesn’t like you will have to do stuff you don’t like with her so make sure it’s worth the trade and remember not to complain about it.