Why do you think some JNMILs seem to become especially intense or overbearing when it comes to their grandchildren? It seems to be a recurring dynamic in many families, and I’ve definitely experienced it myself. I’m curious to hear your insights- what do you think drives this behavior?
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Probably a big component is control. I think these kinds of MILs are probably narcissists and view their children as an extension of themselves vs a separate individual. I wouldn’t be surprised if that extended to then grandchildren somewhat.
In their life they’ve place the idea of being a grandma on a pedestal. That title and what that means becomes skewed overtime.
My mil depended on her own mother for childcare early in my husband’s life. Her mother was a very flawed woman but was warm and loving to her grandchildren all throughout their lives. She also turned her cheek and forgave her own children for some demented stuff because of the guilt she carried from raising them. Because of her gentle nature she was very loved, especially by my husband who was the closest grandchild to her.
When my oldest was born my mil thought she’d immediately be given the same dynamic. It began when I was in labor and didn’t stop until we moved across the country. Problem was she did not inherit any of her mother’s warmth or kindness and I had no reason to depend on her. She made demands and villanized me but all she did was make herself look bad to her son and grandchildren.
It’s been over a decade now and she has almost no relationship with my kids because she couldn’t handle anything that wasn’t glorifying her as the most amazing and flawless woman in creation. Sucks to suck.
Partly control that they don’t think anyone else can do the motherly things as good as they can. Partly that they made their entire identity around being a mom when raising their kids and never accepted that they grew up and don’t need her like they did as minors (and have intense insecurity that if they aren’t “needed” they aren’t “wanted”). And then some being narcissist and having their head so far up their own rear they think they’re royalty so you need to let them do whatever they want
Most of the time they are trying to make up for being shitty parents.