Alright guys, this is a throwaway for obvious reasons. My regular account is very open and not at all anonymous so I created this account especially for this post. So… Here goes.
I’ve been going through some major changes lately. I got off drugs and have been sober for almost five months. I’ve gained a lot of weight, and I’m very self-conscious about my body. I feel super unattractive, and it’s affecting my sex life.
My fiancé and I have been together for two years. We’re very close, and we both got clean together, so we’ve been through a lot. There’s not much we don’t know about each other. We tell each other everything. For the last year or so, I’ve suspected that he might be bisexual or at least curious. I’ve brought it up a few times, but he’s always brushed it off and made a joke out of it. Still… I know him like the back of my hand.
Anyway, back to the changes. They’ve been huge—every part of my life feels different. New town, weight gain, depression, new medications, hormonal shifts, everything. It’s taken a serious toll on my sex drive. As a result, he’s had to mostly rely on porn and masturbation. I still try to satisfy him however I can—blowjobs and such—but it’s gotten to where he can’t climax during sex anymore.
I brought it up and asked if it had to do with my weight gain. I wanted to know if he was still physically attracted to me. He said he definitely was. Then he told me that watching so much porn has made it harder to finish during sex. I’m already sensitive and insecure, so it felt like… cool, you’d rather watch pretty, skinny girls get railed by strangers than see me naked. I know that was harsh and unfair, but that’s genuinely how it hit me in the moment.
He quickly backtracked and said that wasn’t what he meant. Eventually, after more talking, he admitted it wasn’t just regular porn. So I’m thinking maybe he’s into some hard-core kinky type shit, you know? WRONG. Instead, he goes on to inform me that he’s been watching transsexual and bisexual porn.
Let me be clear—I have zero issue with that. I’m pansexual, so I understand curiosity and attraction. And while I’ve always suspected he might be into that kind of thing, hearing it out loud still shook me. Not because it changed how I feel about him, but because it changed how I feel about myself. Now I’m questioning everything. Like… would he rather be with a man? Or someone trans? Am I enough for him? Is he even attracted to me at all? Does he wish I had a dick? I’m not trying to be funny, I swear. That’s really where my head has been.
This whole time, I’ve been dead-set on getting him off with head because he always told me nobody had ever been able to do it. Well, during this conversation, he admitted that wasn’t true. The only two people who ever got him off like that were a gay man and a trans woman.
So now I’m sitting here thinking… holy fuck. Maybe he really does wish I had a dick.
I asked him straight up if he was gay. He said no. I asked if he was bisexual. He paused for a minute and then said, “I don’t know.” That felt like a yes to me. Again, I’m not upset about that. What messes with me is this fear that I’ll never truly be able to meet his needs. If he has to watch trans or gay porn just to want to be intimate with me, doesn’t that mean he’s more attracted to that than he is to me? Or am I just overthinking everything?
I’ve never dealt with anything like this before, and I don’t know how to feel. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I guess I just feel mindfucked and confused. Has anyone else ever been through something like this? How did you handle it? Are you okay now? Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: I also want to add that I’ve gained a lot of weight but I’m still not what you would call fat. I am 5‘4“ tall and weigh about 163 pounds. I’m used to weighing 125 though and the fact that I have gained so much weight in such a short time is really fucking with my head.
Comments
He sounds like he’s porn addicted. It gets harder and harder to get off on regular sex when you watch so much porn. I doubt the bisexuality thing even is a factor here.
You like men right? You dont try to sleep with every man you meet right? Why would being bi make it any different.
If you aren’t having sex as often and hes filling in the gaps with porn then hes going to get more used to that. That’s more of an intimaticy issue than anything gay/straight related. If you stop having sex for 6 months and dont replace it with anything you can’t expect him to never jerk off in the meantime.
Just buy a strap on and fuck his g-spot out every once and a while you’ll be fine.
Even straight people enjoy ass play if that’s all he’s missing out on its very solvable.
You definitely need to have more conversations with him..it’s possible he might not want to be with you..Or it could be the opposite.
Lots to unpack here! Your weight gain may be impacting the relationship- but not the way you think. If you’re self conscious about it, he’s picking up on it. If you’re not into it, he’s picking up on it. But what you SHOULD be confident in is that he loves YOU and he’s committed to YOU! You shared and are sharing an adventure together. Sobriety is a hard thing to get; harder to keep. I think if you put your insecurities aside and showed some confidence, he would find that super sexy.
As for being Bi, I tend to think everyone is to some degree. But his curiosity isnt something you should shy away from. I think most guys can appreciate a nice looking package. If he is curious about that stuff, thats an opportunity for you two to explore it together. Strap ons and P-spot (prostate) massagers may be something to look into. I can say the experience is akin to a clitoral orgasm compared to a G-Spot orgasm… or so I’m told.
Remember this, in the confines of your relationship, there’s nothing out of bounds as long as you are both okay with it. Maybe suprise him one night with some back door play. See how he responds. Maybe take a shower together and make sure you’re both fresh and clean and then play with him. Getting oral with the back door played with is an incredible experience.
Guys have needs. If you cant satisfy them ( which you cant satisfy them all) then he’ll go elsewhere for them. His sports, gaming, movies, other needs cant all possibly be met by you. That said, some porn isnt a bad thing. Watch it together with him. Deliberatley put on some gay stuff and ask what he likes about it. Put on some trans porn and do the same. There may be something so strange about it to him that he finds it sexually attractive. I dunno.
Bottom line, be confident and encourage him to open up to you and used this as a chance to try new things and strengthen your relationship. Remember, if he rubs you off, that does nothing for him. You doing the same for him may not do anything for you- but you both should take pride in knowing you’re learning your partner and giving them pleasure no one else does.
I think you need to have a conversation with him and see where he stands. I’m sorry you’re feeling some typa way about your body but as women shit happens we gain weight and lose it it’s normal but if you’re not feeling too great just try to make small lifestyle changes here and there. I hope it all works out for you !
People who have, or used to have dicks, are naturally going to be better at handing them. I’ve only ever gotten BJ’s from cis women before, and without being too mean about it, most of them simply did not know what the hell they were doing, even with direction (though direction does help some). I’ve only ever finished twice from a BJ myself. So don’t feel too bad about that part.
Look, I understand your insecurity in this situation. But it sounds to me like your fiancé loves you and is attracted to you. Maybe you two could try watching some of his porn together? That way it is part of your shared sex life together, rather than something that takes away from it. It would also demystify his relationship with it for you. Consider asking him to watch together.
I’d preface this by saying go talk to a therapist. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself and for your partner.
That being said, my ex-wife was sexually confused to the point it created a huge rift in our marriage. I’m not saying give up, but you’re dealing with a problem that is out of your control. It’s important to recognize what you can and can’t control. Therapy helps with dealing with their world, and helps make sure you’re respecting your own needs during the process.
Best of luck