I’ve been with my fiancé for 7 years. We’ve lived together for 6 years. I think I may really have to leave him. He’s become an alcoholic and I just don’t know what to do to help. Last year I bought a house, it’s in my name but I never expected to have to take care of it all by myself. It was supposed to be for us. Now I feel guilty like the stress of it all pushed him to drinking. But every month it’s more lying, hiding, and eventual empty promises. He admitted that every major fight from the past year was when he had been drinking. This past weekend my grandmother had a stroke. I left for three days. Just three days to be there for my family. He went on a bender. I don’t know if I should be happy he didn’t trash the house or disappointed in myself that the bar is really that low. I just don’t know how to help him anymore. I don’t want to lose my partner, my best friend, the only person I’ve ever known to completely accept all of me for me. But I don’t know how much longer I can watch him waste away into someone I don’t recognize. How do I even begin to take apart the life I so desperately wanted?
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Have you tried contacting his family and/or friends for help?
You are right to look out for yourself, but I think it only feels right doing that if he knows why, how it could improve, to let him decide to take steps or not. I bet you already have and that is heartbreaking, I’m sorry.
You have to ask yourself where your line in the sand is. It may be you already know: he seeks treatment and follows through or you kick him out. You’re enabling him by not having a boundary with consequences and sticking to it. This is ugly, hard and painful but it sounds like this is a time where you have to take care of yourself and you can’t do this any longer with this going on.
I don’t know h,own or came about that you bought a house and I’m glad that’s the case. It is less tangled if you need to get him to leave. So yes, your question is how do you leave him but it’s really how do you kick him out. You may want to look into Al-Anon, a group, for people dealing with alcoholism in others when it affects your life. You don’t say where you are but they have groups in many parts of the world. If there isn’t a group near you their website is still a good resource. Good luck.
I strongly encourage you to find and attend your nearest ALANON. You cannot drive someone to drink. You also aren’t responsible for looking after a grown man. Allowing him to stay is enabling him. What you need to do is find an attorney and begin the eviction process. He is not leaving otherwise.
Please, whatever you do, do not marry this man.
It’s definitely difficult.
Logistically: Make sure your finances are separated, and if not, open a new bank account at a new bank to have some money set aside. Then talk to a lawyer: depending on where you live, you are likely considered common law and may need to file for divorce (depends on how financially entangled you are). They can guide you on how to proceed with disentangling yourself from him physically and financially.
Emotionally: Talk to a close friend/family member. Tell them what’s going on and what you want to do (or discuss options). It will be hard as fuck for a while, but you can do this. The first few months will be the hardest, but lean on your people. You will find out who is truly a friend and who is just someone you know/used to know. One day at a time. And get some counselling – even if just a couple of sessions. It can make a world of difference. In 5 years from now you will be so proud of yourself for making the difficult decision and will be in a totally different state of mind. You can do this.
Im sorry for what you are going through, I can’t imagine how hard it must be. A question: is this the life you so desperately wanted? You don’t want to lose your partner, but you already have in the way that people lose themselves to addiction. I guess you need to decide if you ready to step for self preservation right now. You might even want to check out r/stopdrinking or similar subreddits to get some advice for loved ones in active addiction. Would you consider therapy for yourself?
Im sorry girl. The problem with loving someone with an addiction is that you cant fix it for them, they have to want to get help. Him going on a bender indicates that he’s not at that stage. I think you need to kick him out.
At 10 years (check your state laws), he can claim half your property as common law spouse. Get out now!
The stress of you buying a house caused him to drink? He lies to you every day, not just the days when you argue, he lies to you on the days you don’t argue. He lies if he’s sober and he lies to you if he’s drunk.
Don’t you want an end to the chaos? You feel like he’s the only person to accept you but I can assure you that that’s not true. Imagine being in a healthy relationship and he’s just a friend. How would you feel then?
He isn’t going to heal with or without you until he decides to heal. And he can’t heal with you taking care of him. You’re doing him more harm than good.