I’m completely horrified about this, but let’s go. Before I start the story I want to make clear that I believe that everyone, no matter what gender they identify with, is equal. The second thing you should know is when reading just pretend my name is something like Muhammed and I’m a brown man. Lastly you should also know I’m not the smoothest person socially.
Okay, so I work at a gigantic company, and as part of my job I sometimes meet with consultants or other companies that want our business. We had put something up for tender and a group of 10ish consultants came in to present. At the very start, they walked in, some shook my hand (didn’t pay attention to who), and plesentaries were exchanged. They presented, we asked questions, they were done.
After the presentation small groups broke out as they were leaving where we chatted a bit more. I was talking with 5 of them 2 men, 3 women. At the end one guy stuck his hand out, so I shook it, then the next guy in the circle stuck his hand out, so I shook it, then I looked at the next person and no hand came towards me and I was like “well that’s weird I guess she doesn’t want to shake hands”, and then we looked at each other very awkwardly and said our goodbyes, the next 2 women got the same since their hands didn’t come out and I did not initiate.
This felt super awkward, and maybe I’m over thinking, but maybe these consultants get like cultural etiquette training that says ladies don’t shake hands with brown dudes named Mohammed? Idk. I resolved that me as a socially awkward person would shake the shit out of any consultant ladies hand the next time this happened in case I had come across as sexist.
Lo and behold, last week I went to a conference and saw one of the same women, along with 2 guys I did not know. I walked up to the group and said hello. She introduced me to the two guys, who yes, stuck out their hand, I shook it, and they introduced themselves. I then turned to her, and no hand came out. I thought to myself “this is the moment I’ve been waiting for I’m going for it”.
Now there are two problems at this moment. 1. If someone introduces you to two people, do you really shake the someone’s hand? idk. 2. See all this over thinking I’m doing in my head? the conversation has already started.
Anyway after shaking the guys hands they asked me what I do where I work, instead of answering, I say “ummm” and stick my hand out for a handshake she looks at me like a weirdo so I say “I forgot to shake your hand” she shakes it awkwardly and says “yes good to see you again”. Then the guy, who also looked at me like a weirdo reasks the question.
At least she knows I shake hands I guess?
TL;DR I didn’t shake hands with all the women consultants a few months ago. I resolved that would never happen again since they might think I’m sexist. I ran into one of them again, and shook their hand mid conversation cause I’m slow, creating something even more awkward.
Comments
I don’t think it’s sexist. I don’t say hi to the women I work with and only to the men not because I’m sexist but because it may come across as disrespectful because the women could have partners. I only say hi to women if they say hi to me first.
Reading this is so much worse knowing this is absolutely something I would do
I think I need more context. Which country do you live in?
Oh poor guy, you’re okay I promise.
Yes that was awkward as hell but as a woman, after the second encounter I’d realize that you’re not sexist, just a bit awkward. It happens!
I think you’re overthinking it.
Back in the old days, etiquette directed that a man not offer his hand to a woman for a handshake because that places her into an awkward position/obligation to shake his hand. It was a male/female thing – brown, white didn’t come into play.
I think offering your hand to another man is fine. I usually wait for a woman to offer her hand first so it’s on her for the first ‘outreach’. It puts her in the position to decide if contact is cool.
Regardless, I don’t think it’s that big a deal these days. Being friendly is always the best way to go.
Good job. You’re not sexist but now they look racist.
I remember in college we had one day we just practiced shaking hands. I don’t think I’ve ever actually shook a hand irl 🤔
Oh this reminds of this one meeting [around covid]. Not sure how but none of them shook my hand. Maybe because I was the youngest in the meeting and without a business attire [long story]. So, I just went around the table and shook my own hand and said “Thank you for joining us”, they all laughed and made sure to shake my hand when exiting.
Don’t feel too bad. If they didn’t stick their hands out it’s a bit on them. Sure you could have done so as well too yeah, but what I can say is if they aren’t doing it on the second exchange I just leave it. I feel like a business handshake is usually like an introductory thing and it becomes slowly less necessary after the initial meeting. As weird as it is to say for the longest time I felt like women and handshakes were in this grey area and I only say this as I feel like it’s a more male gesture. So I do offer my handout simply as a sign of respect and showing that I respect the woman equally to the man, but I feel like even many women would admit it’s sometimes a bit of an awkward thing. I know many women who don’t put their hands out even when they’re the ones leading being introduced or leading the conversation or introducing themselves or what have you. I feel like it’s this weird clash of old world and new world. I also feel likeany women aren’t used to it or aren’t expecting or something as I’ve puty hand out before and they seem sort of confused, like they understand what I’m doing but they also are of the same thought many of us are that usually this is a guy thing. And so we both give each the most awkward limp fish shakes hahah.
I was always raised that a business handshake is supposed to be strong, firm, and shows what kind of man you are. But the last thing I want to do is grip the shit out of some woman’s hand to prove I mean business lmao.
I say all this to say I get the hesitation as I’ve been there and while I don’t think anyone ever thought anything of it I just started always offering my hand anyway to avoid the possibility even if I offer some of my most awkward handshakes to women.
They may have hand issues. My fingers dislocate easily so I try to avoid shaking hands
I’ve actually met people of both sexes that do not touch people of the opposite sex due to cultural or religious reasons and it has come up during business meetings. It wasn’t a big deal, the person that chose not to said please forgive me but i cannot since we are not related and we moved on.
That being said I don’t think the women you met assumed that unless there’s some context we’re missing since you mentioned you’re in Canada.
Sounds like a little bit of awkwardness all around, laugh about it and learn from it. Next time make a habit of reaching out to everyone, it might mean a lot to them.
I have had Muslim friends that are girls.
I have stuck out my hand to shake. There was a pregnant pause, then she would give this friendly wave.
And I would Let It Go.
That’s how Muslim women are. So yeah.
wait, we’re doing this germ thing again? i thought we were over that.
What you did was make this right 👍
All has shifted back into place, rest easy.
I’d rather have no handshake than the ‘men get a handshake, women get an air kiss on the cheek’ that I’ve so often encountered!
I generally never initiate a handshake. Esp with women at work.
Fist bump is where its at.
Poor guy. Race has nothing to do with it, it’s a purely male/female thing. Women don’t always feel comfortable shaking hands with a man, so it’s polite to let the woman decide if she wants to or not. It’s pretty common for a guy to shake hands with another guy and then just nod politely at any women present. As long as you’re speaking conversationally with everyone, no one should feel excluded just because you didn’t shake hands.
A muslim is not permitted to make physical contact with someone of the opposite gender that is outside of their family. Corporate policies are currently changing to reflect this. You should take pride in your religion if your name is actually Muhammad. You should never feel forced to touch someone nor should anyone force you to touch them its your body your choice after all isnt it?
I think this is a gender thing and not a you thing or a race thing.
Men often shake hands with each other when greeting and saying goodbye whether its strangers, friends, family, and more. Its something they are either directly taught or just pick up.
Women rarely shake hands with each other or men outside of professional settings where it’s expected. And that usually happens during the first time they are meeting and never again. Its okay to shake a woman’s hand more than once but its just not as common for it to be something we do every time.
Outside of professional settings, men are more likely to go for a hug with me while shaking hands with men. I’m not a fan of this personally if I don’t know them well, but find handshakes awkward once I’m past the initial meeting as they seem formal to me.
I have never shaken the hand of any of my close friends, some of whom I’ve known 30+ years! And can’t think of a time when I’ve met a woman for the first time and we’ve shaken hands.