Hello, never posted on this sub before but I’m kind of at a loss
I (30s) have moved back in with my mom (70s, retired) to save money so we can both leave our current country in a few years. This was discussed pre-move and she agreed and was excited to have me move back in.
Fast forward a few months and I don’t think I can take it for much longer.
I used to visit fairly often and other than looking like a boomer’s house (lace doilies, old pictures of old long dead family in black and white, and being kinda cluttered, etc) I didn’t think it was too bad
Jesus Helizabeth Christ was I mistaken. There is so much crap in this house it is unbelievable. And since there is so much crap, the house is dirty. She also has a plethora of pets that add to the mess. It’s not on the pets, but she just has too many in my opinion.
I’ve tried talking to her about it. Both calm and heated. Seems to go in one ear and out the other. Like the next day it just resets and she doesn’t do anything
What I need advice on: how the hell do I talk to her about the state of her house in a way that provokes some lasting action?
At this point, I’m ready to just leave when I can find another place and just tell her we are incompatible living together and even though I feel guilty as shit for even moving in and making space for myself in her house (a bedroom, and a corner in another room for my office setup) that I can’t keep living in this filth and clutter
Comments
Um sorry but you’re not fixing this, classic hoarder situation. You’re not getting her to change. You’ve tried the soft way, the blunt way, probably everything in between. If someone’s lived like that for decades, they don’t suddenly see the mess. if anything they are the mess. It’s her baseline. You’re not dealing with a dirty house tbh you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t think it’s a problem.
You’ve got one decision to make: stay and rot with it, or leave and feel guilty but sane. Guilt’s lighter than resentment. Sort a way out, give her a heads-up when it’s done and keep the peace best you can. She’s your mum yeah, but you’re not her cleaner or carer or counsellor. You’re allowed to need a liveable space.
Focus on creating a structured plan for decluttering together. Propose specific days for sorting items and cleaning.
Use positive reinforcement to encourage her participation. Highlight the benefits of a cleaner space for both of you.
Your mum is now 70 years old so high chance she won’t be decluttering her house anytime soon also she probs sees the mess you see as sentimental belongings and would have a hard time parting with it. You will drain your mental health trying to fix your mums living condition not worth it. If you have the money leave and find your own space. Also you could risk fracturing your relationship with your mum if she gets overwhelmed with all the changes and cleaning you want to do. My suggestion would be live in your own space and maintain a healthy relationship with your mum! All the best 🌸✨