About two days ago i (F18) got a shocking phone call from my boyfriend (M19) (whom i love so much) that his mom was murdered by accident. I won’t get into too many details because i want to respect her identity, but I am in great shock of this. It was extremely unexpected, and genuinely heart breaking. Me and her only talked very few times, but he always told me she was rooting for me. I still have this old necklace she gave me too. Even though my boyfriend and her didn’t have a good relationship, that’s still his mother. A lot of the responsibility from her death has been put onto him like the funeral home, and her cremation. I’m also in shock that his family basically is making him do it. I’m unsure if they’re helping or not (I hope so) but the point of this Reddit post is I need help. I do not know what else I should do.
I spent the whole day with him the day he found out she died. He was upset, and slept a lot. I was there for him and slept next to him for the whole 12 hours I was there. Thankfully, he does not live with her so he does not have to worry about moving anywhere. We went to her old home that had his two cats, that being one of the last few things of his mother. Being in that home scared me a little. Everything was still there, all in place, almost like it was waiting for her return. He thanked me and told me he loved me for staying with him, and I told him I will only do more to help.
I’ve handled grief in the past with friends who had family that already died before I knew them, but this is different. He already wasn’t in the best headspace before she passed away, and I feel panicky because I genuinely have only been constantly saying “I’m always here for you not matter what. I’m not going anywhere and I love you” but I feel there needs to be something more. He was very distant yesterday which is understandable, but I didn’t realize how much it kind of affected me in certain ways. I remind myself that this isn’t something against me and I need to remind myself that he doesn’t love me any less, and matters are different. I don’t want to make this about me necessarily, but it’s made me quite anxious. I do not think we will ever separate which isn’t what I’m worried about, I’m just worried I’m not doing enough. If anyone can give advice about grief from a loved one, a partner, etc please help me.
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How does one get “murdered by accident”?
Isn’t murder, by definition, intentional?
There’s really no playbook for this.
But what is extremely important is that this will change him. He just took a left turn without a choice.
But he needs to come to an acceptance of this.
You’re being supportive. But let him have some privacy with this too. So he can grieve that way too.
He has to work through the five stages of grief.
A therapist, journaling exercise all speed up the healing process.
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Best advice, continue to be there for him. Do not push him to heal, as everyone heals differently. Suggest when he is ready, get to counseling. It is a tough situation, there is going to be a lot of triggers for everyone involved, as this case proceeds, there is going to be a lot of emotions. With emotions, everyone is different. I’ve see people make jokes, cry, get angry and so forth. As I have said, everyone processes things differently, in time, things will return to status quo.
I wish you all the very best in this dark time.
Ask him what he needs and if he says nothing just be there. If he needs space then let him have space. There isn’t much else that you can do outside of that
Continue to be there for him. When he meets with funeral homes or the authorities or the landlord or any of the various other people he’s going to have to come in contact with and you were there take notes. He may not remember, and there are a lot of details around death that you have to pay attention to. When he starts talking about being overwhelmed and having to get rid of his mother‘s things and settle her estate, help. Maybe talk to your parents and offer them as a resource because they have nothing to gain. They may be able to help guide your partner in some of this. Help him pack up her things. Put them into storage if necessary. Listen as he talks about memories don’t offer advice just listen. Make sure he’s eating. Also, he is not responsible for her debt-do not let the bank or credit card convince him otherwise. He should not be signing any financial documentation at this time without having someone else look over it with him. There may be victim services out there that can help him pay for her funeral. Deepest condolences.
Hey OP! I am so sorry for your and your BF’s loss.
Take some big breaths… I think what you are experiencing is your own intense shock and grief. It is making you anxious and wanting to repeatedly reassure your BF over and over. You are in a hypervigilant, protective state. That is because you love your man and want to help and care for him.
I had to learn how to support my husband when his father died. I had the same reaction as you. I was guilty of not doing enough, worried I was making this about me, worried that my partner hated me. The only thing that helped was to recenter these feelings from “me”, to the situation:
You are ALLOWED to grieve. You must grieve. Even if you weren’t close, this is a big deal. When are alone- Cry in the shower. Watch a sad movie and eat some ice cream. Give yourself time to feel the feelings. It is OK to take alone time for yourself from time to time to recenter, you cannot be vigilant at all times or you will burn out.
Accept that your emotional needs may not be met by your BF for some time. He may seem distant, or aloof, or uncaring. Check in with him gently from time to time like you are doing, and focus on getting your needs met so you can support him. I’m talking a pedicure, bubble baths, long walks in the woods, whatever you need to lower that adrenaline and cortisol on your system and recenter yourself and love yourself. BF may not be able to give you that comfort and intimacy, so make space to give it to yourself.
My husband’s sadness articulated in his body. I gave him massages while playing calming music playlists, or would watch a movie together and I would massage his hands or feet. It was calming, non-sexual touch. It helped to sooth his nervous system and helped me feel connected to him physically.
Sometimes, nothing you do will be enough. No amount of hypervigilance, care, or attention from you can undo this extremely tragic situation. That is normal. It is not your failure. Just stay by his side, take care of yourself and your needs, journal or find ways to express your feelings. It WILL get better. Be patient with him and yourself.
Take care of yourself, and your BF. It seems your heart is in the right place, so even if you “mess up”, it is likely he is extremely thankful for your support, and he thanked you. Nobody is born knowing how to deal with tragedy. This is a learning journey for you both so be easy on yourself and be prepared to not always know what to do.
You got this. Again, so sorry you both have to go through this. But your BF seems super lucky to have someone like you at his side.
Does he have an alibi?
You are already doing your best to be there for him, which is good. Maybe try doing things he enjoys, encourage him to talk about how he feels and what he’s thinking. Maybe do small things like bringing him his favourite snacks/meals or drinks if he has those. I do believe that his family putting all responsibility on him is quite extreme and probably isn’t helping him. They should be helping, too. Maybe try going on walks with him, breathe fresh air and get away from things a little bit.