I think I killed my sex life in my marriage
My insecurities did it really I think but yeah, I’ve let my insecurities get the better of me to the point where I thought my husband was cheating on me. He wasn’t. But I went about all the in the wrongest way possible and now I think I killed all his desire for me.
I’m a generous lover, and I thought I’d be fine with the giving and not receiving but I don’t think I am?
I’ve been trying to be more active in our sex life by initiating more and I’ve given him so many blow jobs. I get a pretty lack luster hand job in return. I’ve killed his desire for me and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back from him.
I feel so lost right now. Talking to him does nothing because all that happens is I get made to feel like I’m overthinking things and I’m crazy and everything is perfectly normal. Meanwhile I have some serious lady blue balls. I also refuse to beg for sex from him. I feel pathetic enough as is and I also think if he was really interested in my sexual needs he’d act on it but he seems perfectly happy to get a blow job and call it a night.
I am starting see why there’s all these posts on Reddit about guys going to the bathroom to take care of themselves
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I think you might need some counselling.
oh this is really sad 🙁 i think the best solution is to talk to him! have an honest heart to heart and see what you can do! the only way is up! you got this! you guys have probably been together for a while, and i’m sure this is a challenge you can conquer. be honest, think things through, and understand each other. good luck!
Ngl you sound really toxic. This isn’t a dead bedroom issue. That stems elsewhere. You need to rebuild the connection first. Or do you just want him as a tool and nothing more? Why are you even still with him if you were convinced he was cheating.
This post is severely lacking of any detail unfortunately to help.
What is it that you did that killed his desire? “Went about it in the worst way possible” could mean sooo many things.
Time to work on yourself and look into your unhealed attachment trauma from childhood that created these maladaptive dysfunctional ways of relating.
How exactly did you go about finding out he wasn’t cheating? Knowing that might give us a better idea of how much damage was done. Did you admit to snooping through his phone? Accuse him of cheating randomly? Accused him of cheating with someone specific? Knowing what kind of damage was done will yield better advice.
I’ve read several stories today (and every day) involving women, sex and their partners and issues with giving and not making clear what they need or want. As a man, I wish they would just stop it. It’s doing no-one any favours. Honestly.
Just say “I want it and I want it now”. It will work out better in the long run.
The men who don’t like it will just have to learn. Or be taught. Right from wrong.
Have you tried role-playing or dressing in lingerie that keeps his mind on your body instead of him just waiting for a blow job? Guys have all kinds of things that turn them on. Maybe introduce some toys for both of you?
So you broke his trust it seems like, and made him feel untrusted and disrespected. I don’t think giving him sexual favors is going to solve that problem. You want to have sex, but the trust and love is broken right now. That’s what you need to fix. For now, stop pressuring him for sex, stop giving him these sexual favors he probably doesn’t even want. There’s something in you that’s missing, you both likely know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be insecure, suspicious, jealous etc without a real cause. Work on yourself. Take pride in your work, take care of your health (work out, eat healthy) and focus on improving your mental fortitude by journaling, meditating, yoga, or whatever helps you the most. Make your life fulfilled on your own. No one is attracted to a leaking cup. Fill your cup on your own until he can trust you and feel trusted again then it can go back to mutually respecting and loving each other again. Your desperation I’m sure is obvious and unattractive. It’s another need of yours he has to fulfill while already having been hurt by you. Does that make sense?
So then while you work on yourself, just make sure you don’t neglect the relationship. He may not be interested in it yet, but keep trying. It doesn’t have to be sex, in fact it probably shouldn’t be. Dates, new experiences, talking about your feelings and thoughts of daily life, the future, etc. Do things together, but don’t pressure him into it.
Most of all, I wish you luck and happiness and healing for the both of you.
Does he refuse sex and just want a blow job? Can you talk to him and tell him what you want when it’s your “turn”? If you have, what’s his response?
Graphic coming right up. Okay gonna be honest with you. If you really want him to do those things to you tell him straight out. Even describe what it is, you want him to get behind you spread them lips and play with you until you really get taken care of. When my girlfriend’s have told me this I make sure to do the deed right. And I’m certain he will too. When we get use to our woman not wanting to do things we stop because we were forced to stop doing those things. But believe me, it’s a real turn on when we’re told we can have our way.
You ruined your relationship when you started making false accusations. He’s already checked out and it’s all your fault. It’s up to you to fix it or your marriage is doomed, if it’s even fixable at this point?
I feel ya, OP. Like you’ve single-handedly fucked the magic outta your marriage bed… Maybe though, not so much? Maybe he’s just not that into sex right now for real reasons, like a crappy job sucking his mojo dry or some health crap. Hard to tell from here, but we tend to project our own neuroses onto others. I’m not saying you didn’t fuck up royally, because honestly, how hard is it to get a handjob back these days? But maybe, just maybe, he’s got issues too and this is all part of a bigger mess…
It seems like you are more focused on your sex life than deeper problems within your marriage that could be causing your marriage to be sexless. Stop focusing on sex and get to the emotional root of your marriage.
Babe, go to a sex therapist. I feel like a conversation on neutral ground is the best thing you could do.
Have you thought about suggesting couples therapy and/or sex therapy don’t blame anyone for going- maybe focus on what it could do for you as a couple? I dunno, I’m no expert. Just a thought
Your feelings are valid. If he does not want you. Move on. Life is too short.
His lack of getting you off while you got him off was the source of the problem. The accusing him of cheating was one of the solutions, but it could also have been he was selfish and didn’t care whether you experienced pleasure or not.
You should go to couples counseling. There is a lot of baggage to unpack here. Neither of you understand the reason behind the actions of the other. You aren’t going to be able to fix the issues until you find out more about each other, but right now your communication has broken down, that’s why you both need counseling.
So you found a sex toy related app on his phone (that you guys don’t use together?) and he has an ex on his Facebook? And now suddenly, even though he wasn’t doing anything wrong at all, he has stopped using Facebook altogether?
How, exactly, did he show you he couldn’t possibly be cheating?
And so, on top of this, now he’s happy to accept blowjobs but has no interest in your sexual satisfaction? Why are you still offering these blowjobs?
It feels like there’s a lot more wrong with this relationship than your lady blue balls.
Relationships are complicated when neither partner talks openly about their needs, desires, etc. I know you said there is no use in talking to your husband, but maybe once the dust has settled from the insecurities and accusing, try to have an honest talk. Honestly, a lot of the time we assume that our partners should know x, y, and z. But no one is a mind-reader. You have to be able to tell your partner, “hey— I like and want sex too! Can we do more for each other where we are both happy and satisfied?” My (39f) partner (50m) and I don’t have sex regularly anymore because we are both tired all the time. So, we have started using toys to help out. That takes some of the work off it but gets the job done! Lol Also— talk more about your desires and fantasies. We have been taught to be so ashamed of sharing these things, but they’re completely normal and healthy! Give yourself some time to think about all this and work on falling for each other again. Also, sometimes a little space from each other helps.
Ask him if he would work on your marriage or if he’d rather divorce. Because obviously what you have isn’t sustainable for either of you. You either need to take steps together to rebuild trust, where both of you understand what you are doing. Or you need to call it. Pouring yourself into something that isnt mutually received won’t get you anywhere.
My ex cheated on me. Multiple times. And she tried to make it up to me with sex. But guess what, how am I supposed to care about sex when the trust and what I thought we had is gone.
You cracked the foundation of trust, now it needs to be repaired.
ok cool great story