Hello again!
A lot of you probably know the backstory with my MIL, but if not, feel free to check my older posts. The short version: I have been completely NC for about 8 months, but she continues to manipulate and play the victim through my husband (SO), usually at least once a week. He’s tired of it. I’m beyond tired of it. And honestly, I’m at the point where I’m seriously debating breaking NC just to send a very direct, no-nonsense message explaining exactly why she has no access to me or our LO, and why her access to SO is barely hanging on.
The cycle is the same every time:
“I won’t ask again.” (A week goes by) “I’ve had a hard year, I need to see my grandson.” (Another week goes by) FIL jumps in to guilt-trip SO.
It’s constant emotional pressure.
She’s now started showing up at SO’s job, talking to him in baby voice, caressing him, and acting like he’s five years old in front of his coworkers. He has to gray rock her until she leaves. She even told his coworkers, “This is the only place I get to see my son,” like that’s supposed to justify her behavior. SO went off when he heard from a mutual co-worker that she was bringing his personal life into his place of employment.
Most recently, after SO again told her firmly to stop treating him that way, FIL called him with MIL on speakerphone and basically berated him for being “cold” to his mom. He actually said, “That scares me, son,” and kept asking, “Do you love your mother?” “Who do you know that treats their mother this cruel?” Then they pulled the classic “she’s had a hard year and she needs her son, her grandson… and OP”
Our child is not her emotional support animal.
We did not have a baby so she could patch her wounds with access to someone else’s life.
SO has done a phenomenal job standing his ground. He’s told her: Stop pushing to see LO. Stop boundary-stomping. Stop turning every conversation into a pity party and playing the victim instead of owning your actions.
But she’s so deep in denial and self-victimization that nothing gets through. She refuses to take accountability no matter how clearly it’s laid out for her. And it’s starting to take a toll on SO, emotionally and mentally. He’s not quite ready to go full NC, but she is pushing him there. He still hopes she’ll “get it,” but she never will and she just doesn’t care. She knows exactly what she’s done.
She even recently asked if SO could “watch the baby” so she could talk to me in person. This came right after she told him that her MIL treated her like crap but she never said a word and FIL still took the kids to see her. With no prior context this would seem like a genuine effort to patch things up. But it’s not. It’s all about gaining access to LO.
So, what… because she tolerated shitty treatment, I should too?
No. That’s not strength, that’s self-abandonment. I’m not her. I don’t owe her anything just because she accepted behavior she shouldn’t have.
And this isn’t new behavior either. She’s been like this since we told her we were pregnant.
She knew how deeply important this baby was to us after infertility struggles and she still made my labor and postpartum about her. She centered herself, acted like the pregnancy was hers to be celebrated on her terms, and completely ignored what I needed emotionally and physically. That was the beginning of the end for me.
We’ve tried space. We’ve explained the harm, multiple times. We’ve kept things calm, clear, and firm. But she refuses to acknowledge what she’s done.
Instead, she just twists it into “everyone’s against me” and doubles down on her behavior.
At this point, I’m not even considering breaking NC to reconnect but to send one final, brutally honest message complete with literal bullet points of everything she’s done and continues to do to push herself further away. Because I’m sick of watching SO try to explain the same things over and over while she refuses to hear it.
I don’t want to open the door, I want to slam it shut with a lock and a sign that says “go to therapy for your own issues and leave me the hell alone”.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far haha. Advice welcome, but mostly I just needed to get this out.
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Other posts from /u/SlightlyBitter47:
MIL posted our baby’s name online after being told repeatedly not to, 1 month ago
I finally figured out the root of my rage toward my MIL after giving birth, 2 months ago
You all said to stay silent and let it blow up on their end…well, BOOM!, 2 months ago
MIL thinks being in the hospital means she’s entitled to ignore boundaries and get access., 2 months ago
I’m about to blow a gasket with MIL and finally let her have it, 2 months ago
MIL thinks that if she begs for forgiveness hard enough then she will get what she wants in return, 3 months ago
MIL’s fake apology saga continues: still the victim, still no accountability, 3 months ago
MIL talks to SO in a baby voice all. the. time., 3 months ago
MIL sent a fake apology, SO is playing both sides and I am over it., 3 months ago
Update kind of? Apology was given, BUT…, 3 months ago
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Do not contact her. Breaking NC will only result in two things. Anything you say to her will just feed her victim narrative and make her behavior worse than before, and any contact will set the precedent that she just needs to keep behaving worse to force you to speak to her. What you’re doing right now is working. She’s spiraling, because her usual methods aren’t getting the result she wants, and so she and her husband are harassing their son in an attempt to break you.
Your husband needs to tell his company what’s happening and have them ban her from the property, he needs to tell his parents that their behavior is only making things worse for them, and you need to see about getting your husband into therapy so that he has tools to better deal with his mother.
If you break NC, it will encourage her, because she knows if she makes SO crazy enough, you’ll respond and then she gets an opening to respond back.
SO is not respecting your decision for NC. He needs to start setting better boundaries and start hanging up on them when they do this, and to manage this with a therapist, not you. They know he’s sharing with you.
You need to start having boundaries with him too. You made the decision to go NC. If he chooses to remain in contact, then he needs to find another source for support, because right now, his need for support violates your whole purpose for NC. He needs to get in with a therapist.
The only reason to send a letter is for the sake of having a paper trail for legal purposes. And it shouldn’t be anything more than a cease and desist. “You were told on <date> OP did not want contact with you and will not allow you contact with her children. Since that date, you have continued to reach out through <methods.> You are directed to cease and desist pursuing contact. Further attempts may result in legal action against you.” Send certified mail, done. Don’t lay out her sins, she’ll be able to debate, just a simple “ain’t never gonna happen.”
Don’t do it. The only thing sending a letter will do is tell her that her manipulative behavior is working.
She won’t read anything in the letter or she won’t believe it. She won’t leave you alone just because you tell her too, or she would have done it already.
They almost always escalate after you go NC. You need to wait it out and your husband needs to try to cut off her access to harass him.
Keep doing what you’re doing. No contact is no contact.