I started a new position recently in the corporate world. I have an older coworker thats the only other person on my team in my field so he took up a mentor role in my head. We get lunch occasionally and talk to each other a decent amount in the office but I always kept it very “coworker like”. One of the first questions he asked was if I was married but besides that its been about my schooling and other random subjects-mostly work though.
He asked me today if I would like to go out with him sometime and asked for my number. I thought this was friendly but now I feel I mightve just accidentally opened a can of worms. We never talked about a common hobby or restaurant we both liked and looking back he seemed a bit nervous to ask. I dont want to be rude because it is my fault for not asking for clarification and agreeing but I thought of this in the context of coworkers going out for a meal or a drink occasionally. I just didnt even think of this as a possibility because hes somewhat of a boss to me. I dont want to make things awkward or difficult because i quite literally just started this job
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Tell him ahead of time that you want to keep it platonic
If he calls, just don’t go out. Give some obvious excuses to show you’re not interested. Don’t go get casual coffee or anything anymore with him.
This is actually shockingly inappropriate on his part , YUCK! don’t ever be available, if he asks you say you are doing things with your friends/bf/family/dog and that you are not reallyup for socializing with coworkers like that no smile no shrug no shyness. If he even vaguely intimates as more than friends shut that shit down IMMEDIATELY, don’t answer those texts unless you will do so in a non immediate fashion and VERY formally and dry.
You can say your dad told you never to date coworkers. Or be up front and let him know that you aren’t comfortable with the age gap.
If he invites you out after work, you can respond with, “great, is it ok if I invite some other people to come with us?”
Either he will get the message that you aren’t looking to spend one-on-one time with him, or he will have to clarify that he meant he wanted to spend time alone with you.
At that point, you can say, “Oh, I misunderstood, sorry about that! I don’t date coworkers.”
Keep your tone light and make it clear that you are apologizing for the miscommunication, not for not going out with him.
GROSS, none of this is your fault. I know you don’t want to make it awkward but if he tries again tell him he’s almost the same age as your Pop Pop, that should slow his roll.
Damn he is out of control, they should check his hard drive.
Have you told him you are single? Even if you are, ask if you can bring your “boyfriend” with you as a way to a) indicate that you are not available in that way, and b) not even seeing this as a “date”. Or at least ask if you can invite other co-workers, to again, indicate that you assumed this was a rapport-building get-together for co-workers, and not a date.
Just don’t be mean about it.
If he actually tries to set up plans just say something along the lines of ‘actually I try not to bring my work friendships in to my home life, I hope you understand?’. It sets a firm boundary and leaves room for him to back out gracefully and you don’t need to end up asking the awkward friends or date question. If he gets pushy or weird about it you’ll know to be a lot more careful around him.
report to HR!
It would be completely appropriate to say I’m 21 and you’re older than my Dad. Sorry.
Offer to bring your Dad, as they’re from a similar era and might have things in common.
Casually tell him he reminds you of your grandpa. Ask him how old his children are. If he had some I assume they’re your age or older .. say something like oh.. you’ve got kids my age. If all else fails go to HR he’s a creep
If he asks you out just be professional and honest and tell him you don’t date coworkers and sorry if he got the wrong message.
If I were in your position, it would bother me until he was clear that I was not interested. I would likely respond to any call or text letting him know that I want to keep the relationship friendly and professional, in case there were any misunderstandings. He is literally old enough to be your grandfather. Combined with the icky power dynamic, I am feeling all squeamish for you.
It’s not your fault if you didn’t even fathom that it was his intention to ask you out. It’s just that you are completely uninterested. I hope you’re able to nip it in the bud and he’s respectful of your clarity!
Find a time at work to pull him aside in private:
OP: Coworker, when you asked me out, did you mean it like a date?
CW: yes. I just thought since we get along so well, we should get to know each other better.
OP: I’m sorry, I misunderstood. Since you’re in a senior position to me, it would be a terrible idea for us to date. Let’s keep it professional, okay?
——-
CW: No, I wasn’t asking you on a date; I just thought since we’re working a lot together, it would be a good idea to get to know each other better.
OP: Oh, good, I’m relieved. Since you’re in a senior position to me, a date would be a terrible idea! (Laugh) But let’s also keep the optics in mind. Maybe we can go out with other coworkers as a group?
This is a very uncomfortable post, a very uncomfortable place for a young woman to be in. Stop engaging with him, be polite, professional, but no more lunches going out or long conversations. You told him that you were not married, have you told him that you don’t have a boyfriend? I would make up a boyfriend really quick, but I’m passive like that and try to make nice. He’s not your peer, he’s your Superior, I don’t know what this man is thinking because he’s putting his entire career on the line by doing this. You could easily go to HR just this and say that he’s making you uncomfortable.
Set your boundaries kindly – just say you do not mix your business with dating a colleague- if it doesn’t work out – it becomes an issue – as they say do not $hit in your back yard – that is what dating a boss does – be honest maybe record it and ask if that will be an issue for him ? You saying no – co- worker’s or friends only
Tell him you don’t dare people old enough to have fathered you.
Well, you got a few options here. Do you find him attractive at all cause if you do, you should go for it and just tell him directly you’re not looking for a relationship but a date sounds fun. If you’re not into it, just don’t say anything unless he brings it up again or just tell him hey it sounded like you were possibly asking me out on a date And let him answer because he may have just been being kind and if he was then you can tell him there’s a bit of an age gap and you’re looking for a real serious long-term relationship. Or just tell him whatever you wanna tell him lol I can say from experience though a big age gap is always fun as long as everyone’s over 21
Best answer in my opinion is to just tell him you thought about it and didn’t want there to be a perception among the other people you work with that you were in an inappropriate relationship. Then even if he didn’t want it to be a date you are sort of shutting him down gracefully.
If he pushes the issue then you need to let somebody (manager or HR) know you don’t feel ok with that.