Hey guys, me (M23) and my gf(F21) have been together for 9 months.. and recently she has been saying that when she brings up issues my responses make her feel unheard. For example if shes mad at me about something I did and that is valid cause if something upset her it upset her. I acknowledge this but I also give her a reason why I did it and it wasn’t my intention to hurt her.. she tells me this makes her feel unheard..
I genuinely love her and I want her to feel safe to tell me things but I’m scared that if this continues she wouldn’t be okay telling me stuff that she’s got a problem with.
How do I make her feel more heard?
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You gotta listen, empathise, mirror what she’s saying and validate her feelings. You can follow it up with a reasonable excuse, but remember this is about her not you. Ultimately, let her know you’re sorry it upset her and you won’t do it again.
The more you do this, the more she’ll trust you and feel heard and safe with you.
i used to be in the girlfriends position.
it’s most likely because what you say feels like an excuse rather than you actually wanting to listen to what she has to say and understanding her feelings.
my boyfriend used to get upset when i was upset or he would tell his reasoning rather than just letting me get it out and trying to understand me. it felt like it was more of a competition to see who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong.
let her talk, apologize for what you need to, comfort her rather than explaining yourself, and use that chance to fix what she had a problem with. use both your actions and words to show you care about what she has to say and that you will listen. if anything, you can tell her your reasoning once she wants to hear it from you or when you give her the comfort she needs first.
First off, how will WE know how to make HER feel heard? This is adding right on to it, instead of hearing her, you are taking strangers advice … Hm.
Second off, you’re not taking accountability. “I know I did this but “, ” this is why I did it” etc, that isn’t taking accountability, that’s avoiding accountability. Try something like:
“I realize what I did hurt you and I’m really sorry, that wasn’t right of me and I should have thought it through. Can you tell me what that made you feel?”
Validate her emotions, don’t use excuses or reasons to explain yourself, you did the damage, own up to it.
And for the love of god LISTEN TO HER, don’t come to strangers. The ironic part is you’re asking strangers how to listen to your girlfriend when you aren’t even trying to listen to how she’d want you to actively hear her.
it sounds like you have empathy but don’t know how to express it. i would look into how to express empathy in relationships, how to apologize, how to validate someone’s feelings, and how to hold space for another person.
when you give reasons for your mistakes, it makes the situation about you instead of focusing on how it made her feel. i know you are trying to get her to understand your intentions, but at that point your intentions don’t really matter and what needs to be acknowledged is how the other person feels.
something else that has been super helpful for me in relationships has been checking in with my partner to see if they want to “fix” it or “feel” it. sometimes we just want someone to listen without offering solutions because it makes us feel shut down, like we just shouldnt be feeling like this in the first place or that our feelings are the problem, not the situation that causes the feelings being the problem. if your partner wants to “feel” it then that is your opportunity to hold space nonjudgmentally, listen, and show that you care about how they feel. if they are in a space where they want to “fix” it, that is an opportunity to offer advice or solutions. most often we just want to feel our feelings and be supported and listened to.
hope this helps
An explanation can feel like an excuse and can be dismissive at times. Try listening to what she’s saying, open with an apology that acknowledges her feelings, “Oh I’m sorry I ate the leftover lasagna without you, I didn’t realize you were saving it for your lunch tomorrow. I’ll make it a point not to eat your leftovers or ask first.”
Things like that (you didn’t give an example so I had to make one up).
Just listen to her ask questions about how she feels and why. You don’t have to apologize if you feel like you did nothing wrong but also don’t get defensive.
Thats the easiest way to diffuse that situation. But internally you may want to consider why your gf is mad at you in the first place.
>but I also give her a reason why I did it and it wasn’t my intention to hurt her
Stop that. That feels like you are just making excuses. Your intention is irrelevant when the outcome is that you hurt her. So stop.
You want to make her feel heard? Listen. But listen to understand, not to speak.
Don’t jump in. Don’t interrupt. Let her speak. Ask questions if you don’t understand.
Show you get her feelings first, then explain. It helps her feel heard. Want to try?
it sounds to me that she is complaining about the same thing over and over again. you listen make excuses and continue on as before. can you clarify what you are arguing about, because the way you wrote it I am inclined to side with your gf