I spent the last few hours just emotionally vomiting into a mockup letter about my issues with being controlled, my parenting philosophy regarding teaching my kids logical and socially conscious decision making instead of fear-based decision making, and how that takes extra time (hence why my eight year old was so mature at the party, but my four and five year olds played loudly). I went on a whole aside about how I heard my childless sister bitching about me and that’s why I left abruptly. Ohhh did I go on.
After editing and editing and editing again, this is what I’ve got:
Hey, just so you know, I think I’m going to sit out family parties from now on. It’s not a rejection of anyone. The houses are smaller nowadays, and there’s no downstairs to send the kids to until dinner like when I was a kid. I think parties stress us both out, and we trigger each other. I have issues with feeling controlled, and you have issues with not feeling in control (similar issues, but just different enough to clash). Our philosophies on noise, etc may be a tiny bit different, too 😂 To be totally clear, the environment you provide the kids at your home is so loving, open, and appreciated. I’m so glad they have that.
The girls expressed some feelings about party vibes in particular, and I was a bit shook because I didn’t think they noticed. My therapist said it might benefit them to just visit family in more casual settings. For what it’s worth, Wesley just said “I like chips!”
I’m just letting you know in advance so it’s understood that it’s not a “boycott”. I will still totally hang out with family members in lower key settings. I just think the quarters are too close for those of us who are stressed out by parties, and it may be best for them to be adult-only going forward.
Let me know if this is good to send. You know how the second guessing can be. I know it’s a little long, but my god, you should’ve seen the first draft. I even left out the part where I really want to say “The houses are smaller nowadays because you hate my house which is the only big one” 😂 … Or “Enjoy your sad parties with like four people”…
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DO NOT SEND THIS!
This is what should be what’s called a burn letter. It’s for you to get out your feelings, document interactions, reactions, rant, rave and get it out of your brain. Leave it for a day or so. Then, you should edit it, add to it and then leave it for a day or so. Add and edit until you’ve got it all out. When you’re finally ready, delete it. If it helps, print it, cut it up and then burn it and let it go. I AM NOT saying to let it all go and continue as you have with your relatives. Just let it out of your system.
Anything you send them will be used as ammunition against you. You may have meticulously chosen every word to be as accurate as possible, as neutral as you can make it, and they will read in to it what they want, what suits their agenda.
The only thing you might say is “thanks for the invitation, we won’t be able to make it this time”. Don’t provide reasons, which will only be seen as excuses. They will try to tell you why their ‘yes’ is more important, more valid than your ‘no’.
Have you discussed sending something like this with your therapist? Just wondering what their take on that is.