I’m currently engaged (28 M) to my fiancé (28 F) , but have lived together for 3 years. We both have professional careers and I am the clean tidy person and she is very messy. Every day is the same, she gets home and sleeps while our dogs destroy the apartment. She then wakes up and blames me for their mess. I am the one who always cleans. Being naturally tidy I enjoy it but it would be nice to have help especially since I am naturally not a mess maker and the messes I clean are always hers. We have dogs and they are both boys. I love dogs but they were hers before we moved in and were not trained at all. My dogs stayed back with my parents because the complex did not allow more than two and I spent months properly training my two dogs. I often travel for work and when I get back the apartment is always in shambles. I’m talking a two day trip allows the apartment to have pee everywhere from the dogs, poop that’s clearly been sitting there for days, and the remnants of whatever they chewed up all over the place. I have tried over and over to discuss options for us to work past this but it feels like incompatibility at this point. We have been together for 6 years and 3 were not living together and we were the perfect couple which is what led me to want to be engaged. The cleanliness was always an issue but since I wasn’t living with her I didn’t mind. I assumed when we got engaged last year this would all go away but it hasn’t and in fact has gotten worse. It’s always an excuse as to why she refuses to be clean and nothing ever changes. When I ask for friends and family to offer advice to them it’s “minor issues” to deal with in a relationship, but it legitimately hurts my mental health to be in this setting 24/7. I don’t mind cleaning I actually enjoy it but it is depressing when I clean the whole place and within an hour she destroys it. We have had numerous talks/sit downs to discuss it and I am constantly told she will change but nothing ever happens.
Our wedding is three months away and i feel ashamed if I back out now. I just cannot deal with the mess any longer and constantly feeling like I am the crazy one for expecting someone to place things where they go and not leave a mess 24/7.
I am currently rethinking the wedding and debating on getting my own place because I cannot deal with this anymore. I love her but I don’t think she’ll ever change and it would be better to move on now than adding a marriage license and kids to the mix.
Can someone who has been in a similar situation please provide me with guidance? I love her very much and want to make this work, but I I am at the end of my rope and don’t know how to move forward.
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Bro, I say this with love: you’re not marrying a messy girl, you’re marrying a woman who doesn’t respect your peace, your effort, or your sanity. She’s not “going to change.” She’s shown you exactly who she is for years. You’re not crazy for wanting basic adult standards, she’s just lazy, entitled, and used to blaming you for everything.
You clean, she wrecks it. You talk, she nods and ignores. That’s not a partner. That’s a dependent with a ring. And if it’s this bad now, imagine throwing a mortgage and kids on top. You’ll drown. Walk now while it’s just a broken engagement, not a lifetime of resentment. Love doesn’t mean tolerating chaos. It means being respected. You’re not…
Give her an altimatom..either help out or there is no wedding. Better yet..make a cleaning calander! She cleans on a certain day and if not she owes 50 or 100 bucks ! Maybe tack it on her rent ! Lmao and if she don’t clean after that then it’s time to scram..
I’m a woman and all that I can say is “and why are you still with her?” Just because you got engaged it’s not going to magically get better.
Don’t do it
People aways get more relaxed and comfortable after they marry. If you think it’s bad now, wait till you are married and she completely lets her guard down.
If you think it’s bad, wait till she is sick or extremely busy etc. Or has kids, who she teaches them to disrespect you and your work and your boundaries.
Trust me, anything that’s an issue before you get married will become literally 100% worse in the next 10 years. And then you will resent her, and go through a tough divorce because you hate how she treats you.
Compatibility is super important in a marriage. Cleaning and lifestyle is a factor in whether or not you’re compatible. Sometimes you can get past this kind of dynamic but it’s better not to find out once you’re already immeshed legally. Maybe it’s best you talk to your partner about this, don’t cancel the wedding but at least postpone it while you work on this issue, and if you can repair this dynamic than consider marriage in the future or call it off entirely. Maybe it’s not a black and white situation but it’s definitely something that will cause you problems in the future if you aren’t honest about it now and find a middle ground.
I am the clean one in the relationship. Clean and dirty don’t mix well. This is not going to work out. Leave before you’re stuck in a marriage.
She leaves the dogs to POOP and PEE in your house??
I’m so sorry, but love isn’t enough. You both have to be sane adults and compatible besides. This will never work.
I have a very big concern about a person’s character when they don’t take great concern AND effort for their pets to be trained. To me, I think it’s reflective of a person with a lack of concern for other people’s well-being and feelings. This is because if the pet misbehaves or even attacks somebody else…..the owner knew it was a possibility and didn’t care much if it would happen.
That general lack of caring bleeds over into other things, even into romantic relationships.
The truth is that your fiancee knows that it’s her responsibility for her dogs, the destruction that they cause,etc…………and yet because she has a lack of sincere care for you…….she will shift the blame onto you. To add insult to injury, she won’t even help clean up after the mess.
NEVER marry somebody you have doubts about. In what world does jumping out of the frying pan into the fire make sense just because it’s close to the wedding date? Who cares if it’s 6 months, 3 months, or even the day of the wedding?
I’m constantly bewildered at how many people don’t realize how much worse things can be legally and emotionally if they marry the wrong person……….all because of pride that stops them from making the correct choice.
I wouldn’t even dream of marrying this woman. She comes home from work and sleeps and ignores her dogs so they pee and poop in the house. And you’re not sure if you want to get married to her? You’d be nuts to marry her. She sounds like a completely self entitled lazy ass.
You’ve lived together 3 years. You’ve talked to her and nothing changes. This is her. This is your life.
If you don’t want to live like this back out of the wedding. Cancelling a wedding is easier than a divorce 10 years down the road.
Dude she’s not even just messy, she’s just gross. How she can live for days with dog shit smell and a totally trashed place.
I fear that even if you were to get a yard for the dogs to stay in always, she’d still make a mess herself. Is that something you really plan to deal with long term?
Do not marry someone you have doubts about. Back out of the wedding, go through the shame of it. I promise you after the hurt of a break-up ends, you will feel so much better than you have in years. It’s clear she’s taken a toll on you from how you talk about yourself! You make yourself seem so small!! It hurts to read, you are not being treated right.
Engagements were made to be broken-not to plan the wedding. If things aren’t right now they never will be. You two have very different ways of living and the divide will only get worse. Sounds like she has no interest in putting in any effort.
It’s not normal to not clean up pet feces and leave them sitting there for days. I’m honestly surprised no one is saying this but I think your fiancé seriously needs help.
>Our wedding is three months away and i feel ashamed if I back out now.
Bro what feeling do you think will be stronger – shame of backing out OR the lifetime of you slowly descenting into madness. Mess is harmful to mental health of tidy people.
>I’m talking a two day trip allows the apartment to have pee everywhere from the dogs, poop that’s clearly been sitting there for days, and the remnants of whatever they chewed up all over the place.
This is fucking disgusting. This isn’t some dishes in the sink or dirty clothes scattered around. Honestly reading this part, I’m starting to think if she has some legit mental issue. Besides being a legitimate health hazard (where you might raise your kids), dog pee and poo is corrosive and it will damage furniture, walls and floor. Sounds like you’re renting and if this goes on, you will be on hook for massive repairs, they will have to rip the floor out, this ain’t normal wear and tear.
This isn’t just learning to put your laundry in the basket or dishes into washing machine. This is a level of squalor that I think legit requires professional therapy.
>When I ask for friends and family to offer advice to them it’s “minor issues” to deal with in a relationship
Either they don’t know the scope of this or they are being ignorant af.
>I assumed when we got engaged last year this would all go away but it hasn’t and in fact has gotten worse.
One of the oldest mistakes in the book my man. Marriage won’t change anything either.
Mate if I were you, I would sit down and have a serious discussion. What I mean be serious discussion is that you voice out clearly and explicitly that her cleaning habits are coming in between of your relationship. I really recommend as disgusting as it is, to take photos of the state. Pees and poos, the mess.
At the very least put your wedding on hold and ask her to show that she is ready to put effort into living like a responsible adult. But all in all, I think she is that deep that this is unlikely to happen in a reasonable time.
Please don’t get married to this woman as is. You are just digging yourself deeper into the hole to avoid public shame. Put. Yourself. First.
Don’t get married yet. Give her the ultimatum: if you don’t see a change by a certain time, the wedding isn’t happening. If she can’t change before you get married, she’s never going to.
The shame of canceling a wedding is nothing compared to sacrificing your mental health every single day culminating in an expensive divorce.
Moving in together was a litmus test for marriage. She failed, repeatedly, continues to fail, and is fine with failing in the future. You know she will not change, especially if you enable her (frankly, disgusting) behavior and reward it with marriage. Why would she change if you marry her despite her not being a suitable partner?
You’re panicking because you’re realizing if you don’t call it off now, this will be your life forever. I’m sure you love her and she has redeeming qualities. IMO, postpone the wedding at a minimum. Cancel vendors. Don’t ask for permission, do it. Then. She needs a come to Jesus talk desperately, that you cannot possibly marry her with her horrible habits and the pure chaos at home that she causes all of. Tell her you’re at your breaking point.
Living in filth and body waste is fully unhinged my dude. Anyone downplaying your concerns just doesn’t want to get stuck living with her themselves.
I feel bad for you that you assumed it would all change when you got engaged. This is a lifetime of bad habits that won’t change overnight. Also, it sounds like she just doesn’t care. I also feel bad that you had to leave behind your dogs to accommodate hers.
I think you:re right about incompatibility, sorry to say. Best to make a decision now before you get married.