So a bit of background story. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We are childhood sweethearts and I love him to bits. We are planning to move in together and Travel to other countries together. There’s been no obvious signs of cheating and from past conversations we are both firm believers in cheating is heavily wrong.
So my problem. I was hanging out with him last week and his phone lit up. I never mean to but it caught my attention so I glanced at his screen. It had a girls name and “(tinder)” next to it and it was a message .I’m not 100% it’s what I saw but
It’s been eating at me. He swiped the notification away and I don’t think he knew I saw it. The only reason I’m questioning it is that he has an android and I know that there may be scams on WhatsApp etc. I’m really hoping he’s not cheating on me because I’ve put so much time, effort and love into our relationship but I know if he is cheating I’m done.
I sent him a message asking if he wants to come over after work in a few hours and am waiting on a response. I don’t like checking peoples phones but this situation makes me feel like I may have to. So this is where the question comes In.
How do I bring this up? Do I straight up ask or do I look at his phone? I don’t want to just accuse him because if he isn’t cheating it could ruin our relationship. And if he is I don’t want him to try and get rid of the proof and gaslight me.
I’m seriously freaking out so any tips or advice is super appreciated
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Just say what your saw. Take it from there.
My girlfriends flow app for tracking her menstrual cycle looks a bit like tinder at first glance. Spent a week freaking out then she opened the app in front of me and realised what I saw. Save the freak out and just ask him it’s not a big deal glancing at a phone while he’s next to you using it.
Ask him straight up.
Say what you saw, if he has nothing to hide he will hand over his phone.
If you’re mistaken, apologise to him and explain you trust him but that notification gave you anxiety and thank him for soothing those feelings. Validate it was wrong to ask if he genuinely has nothing on there
You have no evidence of him cheating so certainly do not bring it up or accuse him of cheating.
You missed your opportunity to ask about the message on his phone when you saw it in that moment. That was your time to inquire about it, even if half teasing about it – “Oh, you got a message from another girl, huh?”. Then you could have seen how he responded to your inquisition.
Of course, he has every right to receive messages from other people to his personal phone, including from other women – just as you have every right to receive messages from other people to your personal phone, including from other men. Right?
The troubling part is the “(tinder)”. There really isn’t any other reason to be on Tinder but for casual relationships/sex. But, perhaps he isn’t on Tinder right now. Perhaps he received a message from a woman from Tinder that he met on Tinder in the past – before you two were boyfriend/girlfriend. Yet, why would she still be messaging him over one year later – just chatting about life in general as friends/acquaintances or chatting to plan a secret, sexy rendezvous later?
You cannot look at his phone or surreptitiously snoop through his phone. That would be wrong. An invasion of his privacy. You must respect his personal device/space just as you would want him to respect your personal device/space.
You cannot directly ask him if he’s cheating but you can ask him about what you saw – “Hey, uh, the other night I happened to glance over and see you received a message on your phone from a girl that you had marked as being from Tinder. Are you currently using Tinder?”
So, don’t focus on the girl. Focus on his potential use of Tinder, which is where your problem lies in terms of its effect on your relationship.