Im 24f, I am a mom already, but I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks, on the 12th. My first pregnancy was an accident and I’ve regretted getting pregnant the way I did and how my life has gone since, but I do not regret having my baby, she is my world. Pregnancy was very hard physically due to pain and emotionally due to my bf not wanting to grow up. My l&d from start to finish was under 3 hours and I hemorrhaged after I had her. So my experience was quite traumatic all around. I’ve been lost and just having a really hard time for the past 2.5 years, and this year I finally decided to go back to school in the fall and try to get ahold of my life and start over.
I have PMDD and I noticed this month my symptoms after a few days started to disappear, which is why I took a pregnancy test so early. It was positive. I cried for 2 whole days before I told my bf that we were pregnant again. He’s been very supportive of whatever I choose to do, but I feel so alone in this. I don’t know what to do. I feel confused. Due to my mental health (OCD & terrible anxiety) I’ve felt like a subpar mom. I feel like my struggle with my mental health this past year has reallly caused me to lose time with my daughter and I feel like a bad mom. So part of me doesn’t want another kid bc I don’t want to take time and attention away from her. But I’ve always wanted multiple kids and I do want her to have at least one sibling. But then I think about how I’m just starting to get my life back together, I was gonna start working when she got into school next year, while also going to school so I can finally get my degree. And then I also think about the health implications that I’m possibly going to have to go through again & the high possibility of hemorrhaging worse this time.
I feel guilty for being pregnant bc I feel like it’s not fair to my baby rn, but I also feel guilty for not wanting to be pregnant. I’ve thought about an abortion but I feel so sick and guilty about that. The what ifs and alll the emotions just kill me, not to mention I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with God this past month so the guilt is really there lol. But I’m also so scared of something happening to me during my pregnancy bc of health or l&d again. But I also feel like maybe it won’t be bad and I feel like I can see myself pregnant. But then I think about the reality and that I already have a hard time taking care of the house and myself and my daughter (I’m a sahm) and if I add another baby on top all of that plus school, idk if I’ll be able to do it.
I just really don’t know what to do and I cry about it every day.