My boyfriend, soon to probably be ex, likes to tickle me. A lot. Or tease me without it leading anywhere. I’ve asked him to stop, he won’t. I have to monitor my tone because I suspect I’m autistic and it’s pretty 0 to 100 and it’s caused me issues. I don’t want to scold him but when he doesn’t stop, it’s sometimes like “ok let me try to keep going and see if I can try to be more positive”. When he doesn’t stop, I tend to dig my nails into him as a subconscious reaction and a way to communicate physically that which I can’t verbally.
It came to a head last night when I asked him to lessen the tickling and teasing that leads to nowhere and he started getting “hurt” that I wasn’t listening to him saying that digging my nails in is physically painful for him. This seemed to take more precedence for him than me asking him to stop tickling me, which, when unwanted, is also painful.
He proceeded to stop messaging back while we’d been actively having this conversation; I’ve told him I loathe being stonewalled and would prefer if he refrain. I brought up that that was what he was doing and he just said “hell no. I’m going to bed”.
No more excuses for this behavior. I work in IT, I work with men all day. All day they are outright boobs and they don’t seem to think ahead at all. The logic they use is left field. They don’t read messages asking for clarification, they assume I’m incorrect without considering evidence I present or investigating anything, they practically take over whatever you’re working on when you ask a question with no care about teaching you how to do it.
Of course, not all men are like this. But we have to stop excusing them for this behavior, otherwise it will never stop. Stop treating them like poor little babies who don’t get it because they have a penis and growing up they didn’t have to think the same way we did. They can still be adults. They still should have respect and common courtesy and be caring. And if they’re not, DO NOT MAKE AN EXCUSE FOR THEM. Understanding their circumstances and why they act the way they do doesn’t mean they get a pass to act that way.
Comments
He’s touching your body when you’ve asked him not to. I wouldn’t have stopped at digging in the nails if he continued to violate my boundary.
I hate tickling. I’m not dating him but I want to break up with him
I warn everyone I’m with that I’m very ticklish and am not responsible for any pain they endure if they decide to tickle me randomly or continue to tickle after I’ve told them to stop.
It isn’t funny or fun to have to teach a person how to respect their partner. It’s exhausting.
Also probably autistic here – this brought back a memory of how I used to dig my fingernails into my brother’s arm as a kid when he would get into my space and refuse to stop touching me. I never chased him down to hurt him, he chased me down to hurt me. A physically defensive reaction (that I really wish wasn’t necessary) is so, so different from the way my brother and your soon to be ex would move into our space to violate our boundaries for fun.
People who hurt others for fun, ignore your “no”, and get mad at you for enforcing your “no” are not good people and are not safe partners. That behavior won’t stop at tickling.
Time to further enforce your “no” by leaving.
We have a strict no tickling treaty in my
household. Has been that way since the start. I’m massively ticklish and tend to flail around semi violently if tickled persistently. I don’t like it. We don’t do it.
You are right. Your boyfriend is ignoring your boundaries.
I also suspect that I’m autistic and I have a boyfriend who’s primarily love language is annoying people. I’m not ticklish but I can not stand being poked with a finger or touched with something cold. It is uncomfortable at best, painful at worst.
I tell him and he understands . He can annoy me a little. He can boop me but not poke. And sometimes he miscalculates. He never gets mad at me for being angry at him when he has annoyed me. It took me a while to even allow me to really show my annoyance. He apologizes and shows actual remorse.
I’m impulsive too (hello ADHD) so I understand that it takes some willpower to override his impulses to annoy me. But he still manages to stop himself from the things that would majorly piss me off. He teases me a lot less than his friends.
Your boyfriend is being an absolute ass. He know you don’t like being tickled he just doesn’t care. You’re allowed to be mad.
Your boyfriend has demonstrated that he will not respect your “no”. I agree that there’s no excuse. Frankly, I think digging your nails into him is a perfectly fine way to get his attention, since he is refusing to respond to words.
But that’s basically a deal breaker for me (and I think you).
I support you in your position. Zero excuses for this crap behavior.
No means no. I DETEST tickling. It should be illegal. Nobody likes it. (Yeah cue a reply from that one person in a million that likes it.). I feel like everyone should just know nobody likes it. It’s a form of dominance, actually. Like, “I can annoy the absolute shit out of you and then say TEASING!” Which teasing is just verbal tickling and I also hate it.
Ultimatum time. He hears that you hate it and agrees it will NEVER happen again or he’s out now. And if he agrees he’s out the literal second it happens.