We need to be holding our partners more accountable..

Okay bear with me. And feel free to disagree with me if you want haha.

I have a very quintessentially difficult MIL situation. All of the classic tropes about how I’m stealing her son, her treating me like a baby maker & not a person, her crying when he actually prioritizes me over her, wanting all of the holidays with her, freaking out and turning the family against other DILs if they disagree with her even very amicably. Just kind of crazy stuff I’ve learned through here is pretty normal. And my partner gets it but would often act helpless in this, he would set small boundaries but say that’s just how she is, he would see it and we would commiserate, yet the cycle would continue >> this all resulted in me hating my MIL and feeling “bad” for my partner for almost two years.

We set new boundaries and it allowed me to really reflect on all of these dynamics.

The honest truth is most if not all of these dynamics arise from misogyny and patriarchy. Sons are viewed as the valuable resource & DILs as “taking” that resource. The men are infantilized and viewed as not responsible while the women fight and blame each other. It’s a lot of internalized patriarchy… this is deeply unfair to us as new women entering the scene. Our partners likely have internalized that this is “normal” and just something we have to deal with. That’s where the main issue is IMO.

Our partners are the ones responsible for their family. They are responsible for seeing these dynamics for what they are, navigating them and unlearning aspects of these systems themselves and showing up well for us. If our partners want us to have a good relationship with their families they can do work on the ingredients required for that.

This is not at all saying don’t blame MIL. No haha. My MIL sucks and I am not in contact with her. BUT I have had to learn to actually hold my partner deeply accountable, too. He is the one who made marriage vows to me and my expectation is he will bring me – overwhelmingly – peace and ease about his family. If that’s not happening it is his job to set boundaries, to course correct, to get therapy and outside skills, to talk to his parents without overly relying on me, to really try to forge a new path for us and for them.

The era of 1960s in-law dynamics is over.

I feel like I see a lot of posts here about how MIL is crazy and wrecking havoc on everyone’s lives for years, even for women who are no contact, without much acknowledgement that this is really a spouse problem, often times even feeling bad for the spouse. Blaming the MIL excessively without holding the husband adequately responsible is in my eyes a form of continuing patriarchy and I myself am guilty of it. The truth is they are allowing this. We need to stop being overly responsible in this regard and actually hold our partners responsible.

For me that means – I am no contact with my MIL AND I don’t hear about her. Kids visit with her a few times a year and sometimes I’m there for that and sometimes not. My partner is in therapy. He had outside support resources. He deals with his parents.

I personally refuse to let my MIL have a big part of my life or brain. Which means boundaries boundaries boundaries. I know some people have reached scorched earth with their MIL and don’t let their kids see them, which I get. I’m trying to unlearn the idea that I “own” my kids which I think western culture teaches us, and I am content with knowing she does not have a significant influence on them by just seeing them a few times a year.