So I’m having a smaller wedding in October (about 60ppl). I’m also a child of an extremely messy divorce and the first of my siblings to get married. My fiancé and I live across the country, so a lot of people are having to travel to come to the wedding.
My father is paying for the entire wedding excluding the rehearsal dinner which my MIL offered to host at a nearby restaurant. We casual spoke about family members that would be invited a few months ago and which came out to about 22 people included ourselves.
So jump ahead to me sending out the invitations which included a small note card to those invited to the rehearsal dinner. MIL calls to say how much she liked them and what not and then casually drops that they’ll have to adjust the numbers on the reservation for her friends since they’ll be coming to dinner too. She says since they are gonna be traveling all this way out here it’d be rude for them not to be invited to dinner (3 couples so an extra 6 people total)
*Just a quick note, I have only met these friends once in my 10 year relationship to my fiancé and didn’t even really want them invited to our wedding but wanted to make nice with MIL.
My wedding will be the first time I’ve ever seen my parents in the same room together in my entire life, so the rehearsal dinner is gonna be pretty stressful for me. I feel weird about having people I don’t know at such an intimate part of the weekend.
When I google typical rehearsal dinners, majority say that’s it’s not normal for friends to be there. Also I only invited 7 people to the rehearsal dinner, which was my parents & siblings, the other 13 are my fiancés family.
So basically I’m just wondering if this is something worth getting into a big argument over or should I just let it go and not waste the energy? MIL will take huge offense to me not wanting her friends there and will more than likely pull the card that they are paying for the dinner :/
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Either sort it now, or expect this for the rest of your life.
Stand your ground now or get walked all over for eternity.
It actually is common to include bridal party (and their spouses), immediate family, any close family if want to (but this is not expected), and any out-of-town travelers. But it definitely isn’t required and it is supposed to be people that you and spouse are close with (and maybe travelers that are your parents/ils besties would make sense because they are often considered family to that side, but should not be the most prevalent).
ETA: Regardless of decision, it should not have been forced on you. This is your wedding and she should have asked.
She is throwing the rehearsal dinner so you technically have no say. That being said, learn to tell her no for any other events that may come up in the future. She has shown you how she will act – taking a mile away when only given any inch.
Honestly if she’s paying for the whole dinner I’d let it slide. There will be plenty of opportunity to set boundaries with her later. However if you wanted to be a bit petty you could invite a few other people to the dinner. “You’re right! It is traditional to invite people who travel to the wedding! I forgot these 8 other people. Please add them to the list. I’m glad you reminded me.”
She can host welcome drinks and invite whoever the fuck, but the rehersal dinner should be who you want. It’s a formal part of the wedding weekend. Speak up. Suggest welcome drinks as a compromise.
Whatever you decide your future husband should handle it. Better coming from him than you. Good luck!!
Your MIL is hosting a rehearsal dinner – not just a dinner proximate to the time of the wedding. It’s not rude to not invite people who are not in the wedding to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is for people who were involved in – as is plainly obvious – the rehearsal itself.
Your fiance needs to talk to her. This should come from them, not you. It isn’t that you don’t want her friends there; it is that inclusion of her friends is not appropriate, and the couple getting married have not invited them to be there.
Side note, if I was one of those friends, I’d be mortified if I knew that the bride / groom hadn’t invited me. I’d be surprised if they expect to attend it at all.
You’re definitely not being unreasonable. It makes total sense to want the rehearsal dinner to feel calm and personal especially with your parents being in the same room for the first time. That’s a big emotional moment and it’s okay to want to keep the guest list small.
It is pretty common for out of town guests to be included in the rehearsal dinner and she’s hosting which is also standard. If you have out of town guests coming that are not your immediate family ask that they be invited to the rehearsal dinner too.
You are not expected to be on at the rehearsal dinner like the wedding day.
I would really focus your mental energies on the issues concerning your side and let your fiancé deal with his side. This seems like a distraction from your anxieties over your parents possible behavior.