I went from being involuntarily celibate for many years to being rather successful in dating, AMA

r/

I don’t know if this is a subject that will interest anyone, but I was just thinking that the only time I tried to offer some insight about this life experience on a popular forum I got banned within two minutes for ‘aggressive blue pill propaganda’, so maybe Reddit is a better place to try to reach out to other people.

Basically, at the age of 25 I had never even kissed a girl yet, and those years I had essentially no social life, I would spend almost all of my time in my room, on the Internet. I was quite shy and socially awkward. Needless to say, my life is very different now, and I think I’ve gained some pretty useful insight on how your life can improve drastically just through some incremental change.

Where I am it is 1:33 am now, so (if this post does not get removed) I don’t think I’ll be answering any questions until the morning!

Comments

  1. Kultissim Avatar

    Give bodycount or it’s fake

  2. evil_lurker Avatar

    What changed? Just met the right girl?

  3. OkBookkeeper6854 Avatar

    Do you have a good recipe for seared scallops?

    Also, have you ever been dogging, or do you intend to go dogging in the future?

  4. Pro_bagholder Avatar

    Has it changed your views on the world/society as a result? If so, how so?

  5. HytaleBetawhen Avatar

    I’ve heard of red and black pill, what is blue pill? I tried to google it but it keeps coming up as viagra lol.

    Also, what changed for you that turned things around? Was it simply a matter of actually putting yourself out there or were there other changes you think contributed?

  6. 29new Avatar

    What forum banned you?

  7. Still_Title8851 Avatar

    How did you come to begin hanging out in different social circles? What exactly does that look like? If I wanted to reproduce what you did, exactly what would I do?

  8. Puzzleheaded-Echo171 Avatar

    How old are you now? Do you approach women now, and if so, how? 🙂

  9. SudokuSorcerer Avatar

    Do you believe that red pill ideology is hurting or helping men?

  10. TKD1989 Avatar

    How did you learn to do a 180?

  11. epicuerean Avatar

    Are you still celibate or abstinent? Would you say that your confidence has gone up? Also when you were an “incel” did you find that you were often in limerence or thought that every girl that gave you attention liked you in a more than a friend or romantic way?

  12. kman0300 Avatar

    So wait, were you an incel before? Like, would you say you were angry towards women and held sexist or misogynistic views? Or were you always wary of the red pill ideology and sort of had success with women later? What made you change? Was there anything you did to change your life that really increased your success?

  13. dee615 Avatar

    Although you’re in no way obliged to do so, have you thought of reaching out to the incel community and try to give them another perspective.

  14. mossgreen225 Avatar

    How was your first time connecting intimately with a woman? How did you feel?

  15. Content-Restaurant42 Avatar

    I actually have a slightly similar story to you… Essentially a blackpill incel (minus the anti-women ideology) until I was 24, began socializing a lot more (through meetup.com, not couch surfing), and ended up having a pretty good run until I reached my 30’s

    Which leads me to my question: did you find that dating in your 30’s was noticeably harder than in your 20’s? I swear since I hit 30 I’m nearly back to my incel days in terms of how little success I’ve been having

  16. Feisty-Fold-3690 Avatar

    TL;DR : basically you just gotta get out there and live. It will happen.

  17. notsoaggressive Avatar

    Today I learnt that “incel” is an abbreviation lol

  18. Nevets52 Avatar

    I have a friend who i fear is going down a similar rabbit hole. What would you recommend in helping him get better at dating? I’ve tried taking him out to events to get him more confidence in public but he just reverts back shortly after.

  19. FreddieMoners Avatar

    Based on what I understand from incel ideology, your experience will probably be dismissed by that community.

    By that “theory” you are that “naive beta male”. No women looked at you when you were younger, but now that you’re more established, the women of “low value” that nobody wants anymore feel like they can settle with you.

    I think you’ll gain nothing by sharing your experience in their forums, in fact… you will only enforce the ideology.

  20. Vivid-Kitchen1917 Avatar

    Thanks for coming here and doing this. It sucks being apparently the only person on the internet trying to tell these guys what the simple fix is, so thanks for letting me know there’s at least two.

  21. initialdru Avatar

    Do you mean you have casual sex or do you mean you found someone meaningful?

  22. Flaky-Boysenberry466 Avatar

    what’s your definition of successful dating? having sex with lots of people or did you find one special person?

  23. Euphoric_Maize7468 Avatar

    Can you post a picture of your face? Or describe if you are conventionally attractive at least?

  24. Itchy_Assistant_181 Avatar

    Amazing what a Catholic Priest can do with Altar Boys and Girls?
    Forget “the Blue pulls” when you got “Communion Wine”.
    I understand in Protestant Churches, “The Laying On Of Hands” opens up more than palms and fingers of hands!

  25. Few_Significance_732 Avatar

    How to build a good social circle of women all by myself? I want to be more interesting and been thinking about getting into philosophy books to have more interesting conversations, but not the nihilistic kind but hopeless romantic kind/hopeful kind.

  26. Some_Ad_7652 Avatar

    “I’m conventionally attractive, AMA”

  27. ama_compiler_bot Avatar

    Table of Questions and Answers. Original answer linked – Please upvote the original questions and answers. (I’m a bot.)


    Question Answer Link
    I’ve heard of red and black pill, what is blue pill? I tried to google it but it keeps coming up as viagra lol. Also, what changed for you that turned things around? Was it simply a matter of actually putting yourself out there or were there other changes you think contributed? Blue pill in that context means dismissing the whole incel ideology, rejecting that a few physical traits pretty much entirely predetermine your chances of success with women. What changed things around was that I started hanging out with people from different social circles who saw me as someone interesting, and that massively increased my confidence over time (plus it obviously put me in a situation where now I was interested too in the women I would get to know). To be entirely honest, I think I’ve always had traits that women find attractive, and the key issue is that until my mid twenties those were absolutely buried in deep layers of insecurity, awkwardness and self pity. Here
    How old are you now? Do you approach women now, and if so, how? 🙂 I am 41. I would say I was in full incel mode until I was 24, then over the next three or four years things changed for me through incremental steps, and then from my late twenties and until now I’ve been pretty successful I’d say. The difference in how I approach women is simply that now I do it, and I feel relatively confident. Before, my interaction with women would consist of me secretly liking someone, convincing myself deep inside that this person could not be interested in me, and then acting in an awkward, feeble, clingy, insecure way that would basically convey my interest, but in a way that was so unlikable that the person would never seriously consider me as a potential partner (so, a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, if you see what I mean). Here
    How did you come to begin hanging out in different social circles? What exactly does that look like? If I wanted to reproduce what you did, exactly what would I do? I would say that I just found the kind of people who were a right fit for me. If you want specifics, in my late teens and early twenties I was an intelligent but shy guy who got occasionally bullied in high school and didn’t have a social life while in college, and then I happened to find a community of like-minded people in Couchsurfing. So I basically went from being that awkward guy who doesn’t go out and doesn’t have many friends and if invited to something like a birthday party just stands in the corner of the club, to being a guy who is interesting and curious about the world and thirsty for adventure. Maybe it all sounds a bit too abstract, but the main change was really just a spiral of social interactions that made me feel more and more like I was an interesting person and that others found me interesting too. And on top of that, being in an environment that was more nurturing and exciting for me (the community of people who like to travel, let’s say), I also started doing more and more things, which kept me becoming a more interesting person in the eyes of others. If you’re in a similar situation than I was, I really hope that things will get better 🙂 Sorry if my ‘advice’ is not very specific. But finding what your passion is and getting surrounded my people who share it and nurture it and are also going to see you like someone of value is probably a good step. Here
    Has it changed your views on the world/society as a result? If so, how so? Good question. No, it hasn’t. When I  use the word ‘incel’ in reference to my past self, it is in a way that is devoid of all of the modern ideological, misogynistic implications: I only mean that I was literally involuntarily celibate. And I blamed myself only for this, if anything I would just feel kind of sorry for myself, indulge in feelings of despair. But since this involved no thoughts about society overall, nothing has changed there. Here
    Do you have a good recipe for seared scallops? Also, have you ever been dogging, or do you intend to go dogging in the future? I had to google what that means, but the answer is no. I also don’t know how to cook scallops, sorry. Here
    What forum banned you? I responded to you and my comment was deleted, so I think I can’t put links in here. But the name started with ‘incels’ and ended with ‘me’ 🙂 Here
    Although you’re in no way obliged to do so, have you thought of reaching out to the incel community and try to give them another perspective. That’s sort of the point of this post, but if you notice the first sentences I wrote, the one and only time when I tried to do that I was banned immediately. These kinds of communities can be incredibly insular and hostile to different points of views (because their whole coping mechanism would fall apart). Here
    What changed? Just met the right girl? No, not at all. In fact I have barely been in any serious relationships (my own choice). I just happened to start hanging out with people who saw me as someone interesting (and whom I saw as interesting too) and slowly but surely that turned me into a much more confident individual, at least on a surface level. And that made all the difference. Here
    Are you still celibate or abstinent? Would you say that your confidence has gone up? Also when you were an “incel” did you find that you were often in limerence or thought that every girl that gave you attention liked you in a more than a friend or romantic way? I’m not abstinent now, my confidence is definitely higher (although if you just ‘fake it until you make it’ I think that you’ll still carry some deeply hidden insecurities inside of you, so ideally the root problems should be addressed somehow), and as I guess I was always in limerence (a word I just learned, thanks, English is not my first language). Here
    Based on what I understand from incel ideology, your experience will probably be dismissed by that community. By that “theory” you are that “naive beta male”. No women looked at you when you were younger, but now that you’re more established, the women of “low value” that nobody wants anymore feel like they can settle with you. I think you’ll gain nothing by sharing your experience in their forums, in fact… you will only enforce the ideology. Lol. I agree with you that real hardcore incels would probably dismiss my insight, but I think it would be for a different reason. I think that their angle would be more like I’ve never really been an incel, that somehow I’ve always been an ‘alpha’ merely experiencing some sort of temporary setbacks, so my experience doesn’t count (the fact that I am using words like alpha is not an endorsement of their framing, I’m just imitating what I think they would say). Here
    Do you believe that red pill ideology is hurting or helping men? Maaaaaassively hurting 🙂 I don’t want to be too judgmental to people who I’m sure are in a difficult spot, but for me that is a nonsensical way to go. If you’re struggling to make things work, try to overcome the obstacles. Don’t scapegoat others for your problems, don’t fall into a spiral of despair where all of your challenges always had predetermined outcomes and you never stood a chance. I understand how, psychologically speaking, these can be useful coping mechanisms, but it’s a complete delusion (and a pretty toxic one at that). Here
    How did you learn to do a 180? Hi. If you mean how and why things changed for me, I’ve more or less explained it in other comments now, feel free to take a look 🙂 Here
    How was your first time connecting intimately with a woman? How did you feel? Awkward and very nervous. It can be quite unnerving to feel that you have such a lack of experience compared to the other person 🙂 Here
    Today I learnt that “incel” is an abbreviation lol I wrote ‘involuntarily celibate’ because the web form where you create the post will literally not let you proceed if the word ‘incel’ is in there : ) Here

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