My partner and I are both 28 and are getting married next year. We’ve lived together for 5 years now, and we keep having recurring arguments about not spending enough time together. From my perspective, we actually spend a lot of time together. I work 8 to 5, Monday through Friday, and have a 40-minute commute, while my partner works part-time, about 2-3 days or 20–30 hours a week with a 20-minute commute. There’s never a time when I’m off work and she isn’t, so I feel like I’m always coming home to her. I get 11 holidays, two weeks vacation, and a few sick days. Work takes up a shit ton of my time compared to her. It’s great to have someone at home who loves you and is ready to hear about your day no matter how mundane a day in corporate America is.
But from her side, she’s often home without me and tells me how much she missed me and couldn’t wait for me to get home. I’m grateful to have someone who cares that much, but it’s starting to make me feel guilty and it’s wearing on me. It gets especially bad when I travel for work. The constant reminders of how much she misses me and how bored she is without me are really starting to push me to my limit. I’m at a point where I get angry refuse to feel bad anymore. I truly am trying not to get bitter, but she acts like she’s locked in the house and can’t do anything except hang with her friends. If they’re unavailable, she “has nothing to do”. I literally never feel that way. Ever. I have a natural interest to learn things and just do stuff. I’m also perfectly happy to be alone and do things myself. This is where we really differ.
If scrolling on TikTok was a hobby, then that’s hers. If she’s not at work, she’s in bed. If she did work that day, she’s already in bed by the time I get home and waiting for me to start cook dinner.
Where things really start to blow up is when I want to go golfing or whatever for a few hours on a Saturday. I only get two days off a week, and god forbid I choose to not spend every minute with her. She guilts me and overreacts, saying I left her “all day.” In reality, we go out together on Friday nights for a date, stay up late, I sleep 5–6 hours, get up at 7 a.m. on Saturday to golf, and I’m back home by 11 or so. I don’t even stay for lunch. I feel self-conscious around my friends because I’m always saying, “I’ve got to get back; I can’t get lunch with you guys.” And then when I get home, she never lets it go and constantly makes comments about how I “left her” that morning.
I’m at a breaking point now because I’ve had plans for the past 3 months to go watch a tournament tomorrow that’s two hours away. I told her I bought a pass for this back in May. I’ve mentioned it dozens of times directly to her or in front of her. If I didn’t feel guilty or constantly pressured by her, I would’ve just stayed overnight instead of planning to drive four hours round-trip in one day. And now, finally today, she realizes she’s the one without plans tomorrow and starts guilting me, saying how I always do this.
Meanwhile, her family was in town last weekend and we spent the whole time with them. She went on a 4-day vacation with her friends just a few weeks ago. But if I’m not around, or her friends aren’t, she has absolutely nothing to do and somehow it always becomes my fault. C
Obviously, this is one side of the story and probably an incredibly biased version but is this really a problem with my time management? Any things I could do to make her feel like a priority even though I want some weekend time to myself every once in a while? Anyone been in a similar position? How did it workout? I really wish I could find a solution here because otherwise, our relationship is perfect.
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You’re not being selfish man everyone needs their own time. Sounds like she just has a harder time being alone. Maybe sit down and talk it out let her know you love her but you still need your own space too.
Something a lot of couples mistakenly do is assume the are entitled to 100% of each others personal space and free time. Its good to set boundaries loosely through conversation early on. I played golf and now play disc golf. I have kids, they have stuff to do that I am eager to go to almost 5 nights a week. We decided that I would go play 2-3 hours every Saturday and practice a few nights, at which she was invited to join anytime she wanted. She did yoga, zoomba, and a book club. When the kids are young, you kind of have to loose yourself to being a parent, its ok, but once the youngest is about 8, you can re-emerge and start being human again or hire a baby sitter.
She’s treating you like a dog. She went on a four-day vacation with her friends and is angry that you went to golf for a few hours?! You shouldnt have let her go.
Your problem isn’t time management. It’s relationship expectations and communication.
It sounds like she’s very codependent. If she were single what would she be doing with her free time? I think it’s important for each person to have their own hobbies and don’t have to be together all the time. I think yall should talk about this and I don’t know her personally but let her know but in a kind way how you feel. Hopefully she’s receptive and won’t be defensive. All you can do is talk about it and try to find a solution and if not, you’re not obligated to stay with this person either.
Been there. You have to talk this out. explain what you posted here, no anger. Tell her you understand that she gets lonely and that you love spending time her too. This is a fixable issue 100%
45 (m), married 25 years… She needs a hobby. If all she has is doom scrolling and being in bed, she also has a lot of time to be jealous of your social life, which perpetuates into resentment. She has to find something she can passionately pursue.
Highly suggest you get this sorted out before you commit the rest of your life to her. It will only get worse as time goes by.
I’m not suggesting that there is anything wrong with how she spends her alone time, but it certainly does not seem to align with how you are trying to live your life.
Lastly, never skip lunch after a round with the boys! Those are sometimes the best moments and you are missing out.
It’s not that hard. There’s 730 hours in a month. Plenty of time for everything.
Dude you don’t owe her your whole life.
https://youtu.be/ypxpX3ahxJM
A) find a partner who is okay with your lifestyle to begin with. + B) as long as necessary shit gets done, then people don’t have a right to complain about my free time activities. + C) if you choose to be in a relationship, and you want that relationship to go well, then part of that is accepting that you and your partner need to spend quality time together (see part B). The amount of communal quality time needed varies from relationship to relationship, but if you’re both frequently disagreeing over this then perhaps it’s not going to work out?
Edit: I had an ex who got annoyed whenever I did my hobbies, so I changed my lifestyle and did my hobbies less. However, despite spending more time together, she was not any happier and all that changed was that I was now also unhappy.
Never going to prioritize “female time” again when I can’t or she won’t let me do my hobby’s again. My ex wanted to be with me because I made art and playing music. When she came, she needed so much time from me. Hence I became not making art again and not making my music. She left.
Make it routine. Pick a day and time. And do it then every week.
If she can’t be away from you for a few hours. Theres a problem.
She needs a hobby. She is an adult not a child to be entertained.
Ah, the age-old challenge: balancing work, a relationship, and a household full of hobbits.
Honestly, it’s all about setting boundaries. Hobbits will eat up your time — literally and figuratively. You sit down for a quick chat over elevenses and suddenly it’s dusk, you’re three meals deep, and someone’s singing about potatoes.
My partner and I had to set expectations early. I let her know that Tuesdays are for pipe-smoking with Merry and Pippin, and Sundays are reserved for long walks to nowhere in particular with Frodo. In return, I make sure we have dedicated time together — no hobbits, no second breakfast interruptions.
Communication is key. Hobbits are high-maintenance in the coziest way, but your partner needs to know they still come first. I even invited her to a Shire potluck once. She made mushroom stew. Instant legend.
Anyway, it’s all about balance: quality time with your partner, scheduled hobbiting, and the occasional unexpected adventure. Just be careful — once a wizard shows up, all your planning goes out the window.
Oh fuck, you said hobbies