The moment my husband is with his mom, it’s like all his energy and happiness deflates right out of his body and he’s simply miserable. He can be running around all happy and fun – answers her phone call – and ZAP! Suddenly he’s tired and low.
I believe this is a defense mechanism meant to ward off her attempts at emotional or bonding type conversations. When she tries to ask personal questions, he sighs and says “mom, I can’t get into that right now – I don’t have the energy.” She immediately takes the bait and tells him how sorry she is that he’s so overwhelmed by work and home and how she wishes she could make it better for him. Barf.
When he hangs up, he immediately goes back to his normal self. Seemingly unaware of what just happened.
The problem with this is that she is solidly under the impression that I’m a terrible wife who has destroyed her son’s happiness… and although he doesn’t confirm her accusations, he doesn’t refute them either. She has been allowed to create a story in her head and is seemingly quite vocal with advice about it – which he claim to simply ignore, because it’s easier than having an argument. Uh…. That’s obviously not ok.
I’m saddened by the fact that I believe my husband is fundamentally attempting to protect his mother’s feelings – because if he was happy with me and the kids, she would spiral out of control about not being the main source of his happiness. It’s easier for him to appear dissatisfied with his family. She has a long history of mental illness, and I’m sensitive to that – but I recently overheard her telling him “can’t you just find out what medication she needs and put it in her food without her knowing?” I lost my shit about that one and I feel like I can no longer be gracious about my role as the perceived/pretend ‘bad guy’ in their unhealthy relationship.
Side note: He in no way defended what she said. Not to me, or her. His response was “was that a real question?” She said yes, and he snapped “no – no it’s not.” After I told him I heard, he sent her a message to let her know I heard the crazy thing she said and she will have to own the consequences.
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He turns into this ultra-mommy-pleasing kid again, and his voice even goes up a few notes. We were raised to respect our elders no matter what, but he takes it to the extreme. I personally do not think that just because someone is old, they automatically have authority.
She rules the roost. She asks for something, and he does it. Everyone caters to her, which honestly surprised me because he values women who are caretakers, so I was expecting her to be this ultra-homemaker. Wrong again.
Yikes. My current partner does not have a good relationship with his Mother. She is incredibly nosy, worried about what other people will think, wants him on her side, very much an unhealthy relationship. If he wasnt already LC i would have to insist on it. Before the LC- she would just show up, call multiple times a week and in general insert herself into decisions she has no business knowing about.
Ugh my MIL tries so hard to connect on an emotional level that my husband isn’t even comfortable with let alone me. It sounds like your husband is choosing his peace more than anything. He doesn’t want to deal with his mom and her emotional issues so he just doesn’t correct or ague or anything. Telling him he should secretly drug you is absolutely unacceptable and he needs to out his foot down and say his marriage is not the source of his stress or issues and she needs to cut it out. He will talk about things on his mind with her when he wants to not being pressured by her.