Hey reddit, new poster cause i’ve never had a reason too but now i do.
this morning i (23F) checked my boyfriends phone. i know already stupid decision. i’ve never done something like this i usually trust the person completely but something was off. he showed me a photo of his longtime ex to see what she looks like now and was calling her ugly and that she let herself go after they broke up. she looked really good and was working out in most of the photos. after that we had a great night but i couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t being honest with me or just trying to make me feel better. i have a lot of self confidence i never think im bad looking but it was weird. so this morning a call came through his phone and the name said kat, which isn’t his ex’s name.
i had the password and got curious. after looking for a bit and didn’t find anything so i decided to look up my name in his messages to see what he’s said about me. this is where i fucked up. i saw his friends were talking the night i met them first and how i blew off one of his friends, this was a month before we started dating. they said i wasn’t even a “10” which is fair, they said a 6.5. but my now boyfriend said that i was even lower, body a 6 but face a 3. then proceed to send pictures of his long time ex and say that’s what he’s looking for… do i confront him, leave, or just act like i didn’t go through his phone at all. he’s amazing to me and ive fallen for him quickly but is it worth my time.
TL;DR i checked my boyfriends phone by typing in my name in the messages, he called me ugly to his friends a month before dating me then sent a photo of his ex saying that’s what he’s looking for. help?
TIFU by searching my name in my bf phone
r/tifu
Comments
Yea.. that would be a no from me.
No – more boyfriend
No – more relationship with this guy
He should not have said that. And you should not have searched his phone. But guys can say stupid things to their friends. And you did a stupid thing as well. Does not mean that you both are bad people, but you can both do better. Speak to him. If you can have an adult conversation from both sides, and apologize to each other, then maybe there is hope. Also, he should message his friends and say that he regrets his former statements. Good luck!
This was a month before you started dating. It’s a bad look,but actions speak louder than old words. So maybe bring it up and talk about it before breaking up with him.
Go to Youtube and look for Kevin Samuels. You attract what you are. Don’t listen to women, you are competing with. Remember there is a ratio of 10:1 females to males on the planet!
When you get to like someone and have feelings for them, they start looking different in your eyes. He may now think you are beautiful. First impressions are not indelible. Also, however he regards you physically, a long term relationship can’t be based on physical attraction alone. Don’t underestimate what other qualities of yours he is attracted to.
Oh yeah move on from this sad objectification machine of a man child. You can do better for yourself, no one should be with someone who doesn’t respect them or women in general for that matter.
How long have you been together? Feelings change over time, even if he wasn’t attracted to you at first. But if it is going to bother you, apologize for looking and ask him about it. If he overreacts negatively then you know what kind of a person he is.
Him showing you his ex and insulting her is kinda weird. But for the rest of it I wouldn’t overthink it.
If I’m understanding correctly this happened before you started dating? While his comments were kinda mean I wouldn’t overthink his comments if it was before you were a thing at all.
In my experience, my “type” changes the longers I’m with someone, I’ve dated girls in the past who weren’t my type physically but as we built an emotional connection what I’m attracted to changed to match my partner. (It’s why I hate dating apps, definitely more critical and judgemental of someone when I don’t know them or have any connection with them.) However my brain constantly tries to sabotage itself with negative/judgemental thoughts I’ve learned to ignore as they don’t represent how I truely feel about her
He probably isn’t the same person now as he was when he made those comments
However, don’t keep it bottled up if it’s going to drive you crazy and poison your relationship, and don’t ask all your friends for advice as it’ll harm their opinion of him, talk to him directly or to a neutral, unconnected, 3rd party.
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Definitely do not stay with this guy.
You only have a finite time on this earth and that is way too short to waste time energy and affection on a guy who talks about you like that. If he’s amazing to you now and talks like that to his friends, he’s lying to one of you and it’s probably not them.
I would say maybe workshop what you want to say with friends? He doesn’t need to know you looked at his phone if you don’t want to tell him. Or just ghost if you want! It’s your life.
I will say the fact that you’re saying you never do this thing but you did now…your instincts are telling you something. Listen to them, or you’ll regret it.
Ew wtf girl you deserve so much better
But if your boyfriend is still drooling over his ex after calling you a 3 outta 10… well, he ain’t exactly treating you like the queen you deserve!
Anybody who rates people’s looks on a scale of one to ten is an idiot. I hope you have enough self respect to confront your asshole of a boyfriend. Probably ex boyfriend afterwards.
Could you format it a little better? Damn.
Also just leave, there’s no good outcome on staying quiet or confronting him.
He’s disrespecting you in front of other people and behind your back.
Run.
Jesus, why on Earth do people let anybody know the password to their phones?
Finding something doesn’t justify the behavior of invading his privacy, but given that you already did that, what he wrote is obviously hurtful, and you should break up with him.
I wouldn’t even confront. I’d just dump his ass. He’s still not over his ex and what he said is just unacceptable.
The conversations that me and the boys have when women are not around are absolutely diabolical, it’s something that a lot of men do. Especially with the fact it was before you guys dated, it’s probably nothing, and the reason why you shouldn’t go through people’s phones
Him showing you a picture of his ex and making fun of her is some child behavior. That alone is a reason to leave or at the very least keep a strong guard up.
This is TIFU not relationship advice. And yet the comments are the same predictable slop.
Wow, I’d seriously just dump this guy. Let his friends laugh at him for getting dumped by a “3”. WTF? Why do people even play those games?
So did you check his deleted messages for Kat?
I’d be out from a relationship where people “rated” bodies and faces in a group chat, period. Especially if that person was my SO! But you do you, OP.
your boyfriend sounds like a misogynist piece of shit regardless so
Walk away.
Run away.
Escape.
I can help. Hit my DMs. I’ll treat you like the 11 you are.
People say stupid shitty things… people do stupid shitty things. You both did each other wrong. So, do you want him to leave you for going through his phone? To be fair he said shitty things about you when he didn’t know you and you just rejected his friend. Not okay but you were a stranger. You violated his privacy as his trusted partner. Just saying
You’re 23 years old and can’t write paragraphs?
I definitely think you should leave.
Your boyfriend had a level of trust of you and you betrayed it.
You justified your betrayal but making up some bs about his ex.
Whatever he said, he’s with you. Maybe he loves you for who you are and not for your looks. Isn’t that what people want out of a relationship?
At least tell him what you did and let him decide if he can forgive your mistrust.
I wouldn’t
In typical reddit fashion, people are screaming breakup. This was before you started dating, and things can obviously change, and he also might have just been talking out his ass. You went through his phone, which was wrong to do to begin with, but now you need to own up to it and talk it over with him and let him know how it made you feel. Try to work it out at least cause if you toss everything away the moment a guy says something dumb you will be single for life cause we say dumb shit all the time.
A lot of comments are focusing on how you weren’t together yet, but I’ll be honest, the misogyny on display is what bothers me the most here. While you shouldn’t have been searching his phone, it’s pretty gross to find out he talks about women like this — never mind that he was talking about *you*! And it’s one thing to be like “well, he didn’t know me yet” but… that still means he talks about women he doesn’t know like this.
I would bring it up with him, but hopefully his answer is along the lines of “I’m sorry, I need to be better, I’m a worse person around Other Dudes sometimes” or the general gist. It’s also very possible he won’t see the issue at all (again, cause he clearly likes you *now* so what’s the problem, right?) but that kind of held misogyny will cause problems one way or another.
Your boyfriend sucks.
Leave right now. If he’s insulting you to his friends, then he is pure garbage.
Uhhh yeah he doesn’t like you I’m sorry 🙁
I’ve been there before and that’s literally it. He wants to be with someone else.
Ehh girls exaggerate or even lie to make their friends feel better all the time. Don’t even see how this justify you breaking his trust and going through his phone. The times where my exes have went through my phone have made me lost so much respect and trust for them. Also nobody is perfect in a relationship or even as a person. He has the right to complain or say hurtful things to his friends albeit with limitations to not slander your name. You digging for it screams insecure
> was calling her ugly and that she let herself go after they broke up
> they said i wasn’t even a “10” which is fair, they said a 6.5.
So he’s a misogynistic jerk? Why are you jealous of him? I’d ditch my friends if they said dehumanizing things like this about other people, much less a romantic partner. You deserve to be around better people.
You looked in the past amd hurt the present. Don’t let it ruin your future.
Don’t break up. REAL relationships aren’t all about looks. A face with a 3 becomes a 10 overall if the personality is good and hits all the right marks!!
He will deffo try and gas light you and make some excuse. Honestly, that’s not even joking or funny in any way. Would you say that about him to your friends?
I think you deserve so much better
You had a bad gut feeling, and you were absolutely right. That’s not really a fuck up, but it has unfortunate consequences, because now you know how badly he has spoken of you. It’s best you do know though, because now you can make an informed decision about how to proceed. I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who spoke this way about me, or compared me to an ex in such a derogatory way. Even if he was just talking shit because you blew off his friend – it would haunt me for as long as I was with him, and I would never be able to trust him, particularly in regards to the ex he seems to have on a pedestal.
FAFO
Guys who badmouth people behind their backs are not good guys. And it’s a red flag when a guy badmouths an ex, unless she was completely awful to him. So… Your boyfriend badmouths his ex to you and badmouth to you to his friends. This isn’t a guy you want in your corner or in your life. This isn’t the good guy you think he is. And, you are never going to forget this information – it will forever be on your mind. Leave and find someone who is “looking for you.“
It’s over. There’s no way to recover from that. Idk how you would ever be able to see him the same
When you dump him, don’t tell him this is why. Tell him that you don’t find him attractive anymore, and you no longer love him. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt you. Hurt him instead.
The way he speaks about women as numbers sucks and I haven’t come across anyone pointing that out yet.
If he spoke like that about you then, and his ex now, he has a terrible level of respect. That will overflow into other things.
Years ago a friend sent me some videos of disasters like avalanches or tidal waves or earthquakes, and men who abandon their families and run, leaving the women to grab their children and run. We spoke about the qualities those men may have had that would have given an indication of that behaviour beforehand.
I’m not saying all men who rate women numerically would do that. But all men who would do that see other people as less important than them.
This guy doesn’t sound like anyone I’d trust to build a life with due to his language around women and their value through looks, and therefore everyday in a relationship that could go nowhere would hurt. Every hug would feel like a lie. I just couldn’t see that language and undo it in my head.
Dump him. He’s a boy. You deserve a man.
Leave his ass and let him wonder why.
Format his phone and then leave.
now, imagine how your relationship would be if you hadn’t snooped on his phone … saying something just because you feel guilty about what you did is never a good option.
By not confronting your boyfriend, you avoid potential conflict that could disrupt the relationship, especially if you believe his past comments don’t reflect his current feelings. Since the messages were from a month before you started dating, his perspective may have shifted as he’s grown closer to you.
Admitting you went through his phone could lead to defensiveness or a discussion about trust violations, which might complicate the situation. Ignoring the issue sidesteps this, allowing you to focus on the present rather than past actions (yours or his).
Focus on His Current Behavior:
Continuing as if nothing happened allows you to monitor his actions over time to assess whether he genuinely values and respects you. If his behavior consistently aligns with his “amazing” treatment, it might reinforce your confidence in the relationship and help you move past the messages.
Pay close attention to how your boyfriend treats you now. Does he show consistent respect, affection, and commitment? Does he make you feel valued beyond superficial qualities? Use these observations to gauge whether the relationship is worth continuing.
Look for signs that he’s moved past his ex (e.g., no further mentions of her, no comparisons). If he continues to bring her up or act in ways that spark insecurity, reconsider whether ignoring the issue is a sustainable approach.
… don’t rush into making hasty decisions.
My ex did this with me. But instead of searching for her own name she searched my ex’s name. She found a convo w my best friend where I kind of compared them and said a bunch of other things that well… I never intended her to read.
Yea it’s not a good look for either. I’d say more importantly, ask yourself what led you to do that. Trust? Self confidence? Regardless, work on that. You never want to go thru a boy’s chat. We are filterless, ruthless, and downright gross. There’s a reason we don’t share that info with our girls’. But it’s just boy talk, it’s rude and hurtful yes. But maybe if you’re feeling doubtful, just talk to him and be honest.
Feelings change and attraction builds and at the end of the day what u look like has nothing to do with how he values you today. Hope you can grow past this 🙂
I don’t know how you’re going to handle the revelations regarding what you found on his phone, but there’s simply no way telling him you snooped in his phone is going to end well. Either find a way to live with it or move on. Many, many, many years ago I snooped into a girlfriends diary. That was my first mistake. Telling her was my last mistake.
Are we going to get an update tomorrow?
You gonna go through all his social media posts he’s ever made and find everything he ever said that you don’t like too? You think he’d like to see everything you’ve ever said to your friends?
Let me put it this way. If you dump everyone who has ever said something dumb before, and make a habit of taking relationship advice from randos on social media, you will be forever alone.
Consider letting the past be the past, and listening to actions more than words.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy who talks about any woman like this? Imagine if you have a daughter and he calls her ugly. He would break her heart forever and he won’t even understand why.
Dump him.
Guy is dating someone less attractive, the opposite of being shallow, and the Internet is still ready to throw him under the bus for a private opinion.
Trust and unconditional appreciation or… No go.
You’re young. But these rules will remain true.
Start living by them.
Let’s take away the fact that you snooped. Your boyfriend went on a tirade on a woman he was with for presumably a long time. Which tells you that anyone he doesn’t like gets the same treatment. When you step out of line, how do you not think about him silently criticizing you or complaining to his friends about it? Or fabricating something to ruin your reputation? It may not bother you but two-faced people like that don’t strike me as trustworthy.
You have to be careful with guy talk… let it go. He wouldn’t blew you off by now…..
Leave him fr. A dude worth your time wont talk about you like that to your face or behind your back. Fuck that guy.
What is wrong with everyone obsessing over looks instead of intelligence, knowledge, kindness, personality, etc.? Such superficiality!
Are individuals under 30 really that f*cked up?
You’re easily amazed
your boyfriend said you’re a 3 and you’re debating if you should stay with him or not? you’re a grown woman get your ass up and leave!!
>he showed me a photo of his longtime ex to see what she looks like now and was calling her ugly and that she let herself go after they broke up
when people do that, they usually just try to convince their partners that they dont think about their exes. If someone really don’t care about their exes they would not talk or try to search about them, or even bring them up to their partners
Women, do not go into Men’s group chats.
We are foul, baseless, gross, immature, caustic, rancid, vile, and disgusting.
We also have different unwritten rules. A lot of times dudes do this to downplay their interest in case it doesn’t work out.
It’s also possible the night he met you, you looked terrible? We’ve all had a bad night.
You can get mad about this and break up with your boyfriend. Im not defending the way we are – see my above description but it wasn’t just him in the chat. Everyone else seems to have been ok with it? So maybe this entire group of people dont align with your values?
Probably a sting operation – he knows everything; now he’s weighing wether dump a girl that goes through his phone when he’s not looking…