Don’t know if I could have kids because of FMIL

Tricky situation, but I cannot stand my FMIL. She mistreated my FH when he was a child (no physical abuse but he was heavily parentified), and still sometimes does by guilt trips and veiled mean comments. He acknowledges that she does this but deals with it by saying “she’s still my mother and I love her,” which is understandable (even if she’s a bit of a nightmare). He’s in the difficult position of still loving a parent, but having to deal with her narcissistic personality. He does his absolute best, bless him.

My own relationship with my mother isn’t close, and I’ve always been pretty independent, but she always tries to give unsolicited advice/help (which on the surface might sound okay but she does it in a narcissistic “it makes me feel good to be needed as a mother or I’m unloved” type of way rather than genuinely wanting to help from the kindness of her heart) and tries to find out loads of information about me and what I’m up to through FH instead of trying to actually gently and respectfully getting to know me. It feels violating, but apparently she doesn’t want to “disturb” me, even though I would never ignore a genuine and loving attempt at connection. Therefore, my FH is selective about what he tells her now.

She recently did something that was borderline unforgivable and I had hoped it would invite LC/NC, but alas, she’s managed to keep her behaviour in check enough to be given a second chance. However I can see that she is slowly slipping back into old habits while doing just enough to not justify her getting a stern talking to. So I find myself frustrated now and whenever seeing her comes up, I’m told “I know she’s a nightmare but please make an effort”. I am civil for the benefit of my FH, but inside I’m pissed. I’m pissed on behalf of my FH because if she messes up like that again, it’s going to break his heart, and I don’t want him to have to suffer like that again. He doesn’t deserve it.

This is starting to make me worry about having kids, as I’ve seen how she interacts with my niece. She takes photos of her without asking and has fed her something without getting her parent’s approval first. What if it had made her sick or react badly? They still let her babysit (although mostly supervised). I find this both angering and terrifying, supervised or not, but they really need the help.

I’m generally on the fence with having kids anyway, and FH doesn’t mind either way as long as he’s with me (but leans more towards kids) but feel like this could the choice being taken away. I’ve tried to explain that if we did have kids I could not trust her around them. I would have to stand by and watch her take, hold, interact with and feel very entitled to our child FOREVER (otherwise I would look like a horrible parent keeping her grandkid away from her and I’d never hear the end of it from anyone) when my instincts would just want to cast our baby out of her influence. She also has this narcissistic (sorry I keep using this word) pride about her when it comes to grandchildren and it’s seriously awful to see.

My FH has said if we did have kids that we would do what we would feel comfortable with. No alone time is already an established would-be boundary, but how on earth could I ever reasonably say to him “I don’t want your mother anywhere near our child” without looking or feeling controlling and nasty? Especially when their relationship is on the mend? Do I wait? Do I say something and seeming unreasonable? Do I just straight up say I don’t want kids anyway? Grin and bear it, feeling sick every time she’s near my child? Because I know his reply will be something like “she’s been making an effort so why are you worried?” or “she’s not been THAT bad, let’s not worry,” and I wouldn’t know what to say next without feeling totally shut down.

I feel like an absolute nasty little nut job and narcissist feeling this way and don’t know how to move forward. I love my FH and he’s the best life partner I could ask for, and know he could make a good father, but with FMIL in the picture, I’m worried about she’d find a way to sink her claws in “her grandbaby”. But she’s slipping back into her comfortable old ways so maybe she’ll ruin everything all by herself? I feel horrible wishing like this, but I secretly hope she’s cut off one day soon.

What do I do? Feel like a JustNo and don’t know how to move forward.