“It’s Hard to Have Empathy for You”

I’m still processing this one. I’ve been in a relationship with my male partner for a couple of years and I’ve accepted that he has low EQ. For example, he cannot talk about emotions and he really struggles to understand what I’m thinking and feeling about trivial things. We started couples therapy last year after I ended the relationship and told him that the future of our relationship was contingent on us figuring this out.

A recent point of contention was how he asks me to make tea for him as soon as I finish up a 10+ hour work day. Our couples therapist prompted him numerous times to try to consider how I would feel at the end of the day, and how it might have been more appropriate to offer me care instead. Nope. Nada. Cannot wrap his mind around that. He’s also interrupted my at home yoga practice to ask for tea as well, “since I’m already standing up.”

Last night we had therapy again and we talked about my anxiety last week over a medical procedure. He opened up and shared that he felt “confused and tired” from my emotions and that I shouldn’t feel anxious about any of this, and started outlining all of the reasons why my emotions were wrong. Our therapist interjected and asked if he could find any empathy for me- the procedure was a CT scan at 11pm on a work night in a city an hour away. He couldn’t.

After therapy ended, I asked how he could work on developing his empathy. He said that he actually understands empathy very well, just that “it’s hard to have it for you.” I said that I felt really concerned by this, and he quickly tried to hug/cuddle me and refused to elaborate further.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I know what needs to be done. But wtf. I had no idea how deeply this issue ran in our relationship and I can now understand what’s felt so “off” for several months now.