Do you have a “Rachel”? The friend(s) you’ve known since middle school, the one who shows up at your doorstep with wine and snacks when everything’s falling apart? Were you there for her first real love? Her first devastating heartbreak? The offer letter for her “real adult job”? Did you both backpack through Thailand and sip mai tais at a beachside café, talking for hours about your dreams, your fears, your pet peeves and your deepest wounds?
I hear friendships like that exist. Allegedly.
They may form early and solidify through the years, growing stronger across milestones and miles. Some people get lifers, the kind of friends who remember your worst haircuts and your best days. They text back within minutes. They show up without being asked. You are grateful for your friendship even when you have petty fights.
Is Rachel real? I can’t help but wonder.
I think I’ve occasionally had a Rachel here and there, for a little while. They were seasonal friends, those who briefly appeared because we shared a class, a workplace, a neighborhood, a moment. Playdates, a lunch invite, the occasional coffee or concert. We faded apart with distance, or schedules, or unspoken disappointments. Sometimes we fought and patched things up, but the closeness never returned quite the same.
It’s always been like this for me. Since childhood, I’ve had a large circle of acquaintances. Very surface level. Nowadays we know each other’s names, but not much more beyond our job titles. Maybe a hobby or two that we don’t share.
Most days, literally nearly every day, it’s just me, myself, and I. Not for lack of trying with texts, phone calls, and making plans. Certainly not for lack of wanting.
It’s just the way it’s always been. I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I’ve only been to a handful of weddings, and usually on the fringe as a plus-one, coworker, distant relative. I’m not the honorary auntie people think to call when they need a sitter, or an emergency contact. At 35, I just had my first group vacation, a weekend with a couple of acquaintances. It was nice. But that was the first time we’d hung out in months, and I wouldn’t quite call them friends. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I’m not angry or bitter. Just noticing. Naming. Acknowledging a kind of quiet loneliness that doesn’t scream, but hums beneath the surface. Knowing that some people walk through life surrounded by their gal pals and chosen family. And others, like me, move quietly beside them. Together, but truly, alone.
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I used to. That group kind of fell apart organically (no big fall out). I still try to keep in contact with them, they aren’t the best at returning the effort. It makes me sad, I miss when I had a community I could rely on.
I do! My bff from hs and a friend we made in college (AMAB) are my ride or dies. My kids know them as aunt and uncle and we’ve been friends for 30+ years. I wish we lived closer, but life took us to opposite corners of the country. But we see each other when we can, have an ongoing text conversation, and will drop everything if one of us needs it. We managed to stay close before texting and the internet made it easy, so we know we’re stuck with each other.
I have another friend who lives by me who’s close, but not like those two.
Yes, I can say I am very lucky to have had, and still have those friendships. The relationships have waxed and waned over the years with changing levels of contact frequency but they are always there for me and me for them. I know we can pick up where we left off whether I saw them yesterday or last year. And having that shared history is invaluable to me. I will say that relationships require effort, and checking in. I’m sorry you don’t have that, but it is never too late to cultivate those kinds of bonds. You say you have tried, don’t give up!
To have a Rachel you also have to be a Rachel, adult friendships are work. I have numerous woman friends who have met and keep in touch with over the years.
No. One bff lives in Wisconsin; the other is in New Hampshire with her husband. I’m in Arizona. It’s hard.
I’m 43 and I’m just finding these women in the last 3-5 years. Joining a young professionals group in my mid30s helped some. Joining a gym helped more. Last year we did a granny’s night out and all had drinks at one house, dressed head to toe as grandmas, with nametags to ID ourselves.. our names for the night were our grandmas names. We bar hopped, twerked with eyeglasses chains and orthopedic shoes, and handed out werthers and starlite mints everywhere we went. My other girls group has been pulled together by one uniter, who is also just now finding her girls and she’s 46. We’ve done two beach trips just ladies, and a weekend in a haunted Airbnb in Gettysburg.
Next month I’m hosting this year’s lady’s night and it’s a wig party. I’ll be uniting the two groups of girls into one mega group.
But it’s taken me until my 40s to find real true lasting girlfriends. I moved so often as a child and teen that I didn’t learn how to form friendships. And I had very low self esteem so I realize now I was just friends with whoever picked me up and decided you are my friend now. The one thing that helps me, is that a lot of these girls say the same thing. They never had but always wanted a girl group. Girls I can confide when my husband is being a turd, without feeling judged. Girls who can tell me when I’m kind of being a bitch but they support my activity lol. Girls who can tell me they have a crush on the bartender but not in a oh I want to leave my husband kind of way, and I totally understand and not for one second do I think they’re slutty or their marriage is on the rocks.
All I can say is, find some hobbies (gardening and gym) and interests (running a s small business and succeeding in my wfh dayjob) and find people and clubs that do those things. All of my friends have come to bear through these groups and associations/introductions.
I go out with a friend for steak night twice a year. No holds barred- we split a really nice steak, have whatever appetizers and sides and whatnot we want, and have some great drinks. It’s wonderful.
I have a couple of friends since high-school who I would consider serious lifers, people who love my children, people I can count on, but we are spatially distant. As someone approaching 40, my strongest lady-friend bonds were created in adulthood over the past 10 years. I have a very small circle of ride-or-dies who I met through my youngest child, who strongly attached to their young children of the same age/sex when they were all in preschool. These are friendships that have stood through time and distance, both the adults and kids. I would kill for those kids and my friends would do the same for mine. There’s a bit of trauma bonding that occurred, but these are my people. Those are my Rachels.
Sure. I’ve always had friends I could rely on. And of course I’ll do anything for them too. That’s what a loving relationship is all about, and I love my friends.
I talk to several long time friends daily. One I’ve been friends with for 30 years, the others closer to 15.
But yeah, my best friend especially is always there for me. She drove me to the ER at 10pm when I thought I was having a heart attack(turned out to be a severe panic attack). When I had my car accident last year, she was on the scene in 15 minutes and then drove me to the ER after the paramedics looked me over. She stayed with me the entire time, drove me to the pharmacy and then to home. And then when I had surgery to get my metal stuff installed, she drove me there(at 6am) and then let me recover in her apartment that weekend.
I’ve always had close friends. But it does take work. It’s not like I woke up everyday and said “I’m going to meet the best people and befriend them”. Like any relationship, it takes communication, understanding and sometimes hard work and forgiveness from all sides.
I used to I had a bff that held my leg while I was pushing out my baby idk what happened but after I had kiddo she stopped putting in any effort
In my 50’s, I just reconnected with my bestie from high school. We have had our ups and downs for sure. I recently stayed with her when my aunt died and we talked until 2 in the morning 3 nights in a row! It was so good to reconnect, talk about old times, apologize for shitty immature behavior and know we came out on the other side.
My friend and her husband introduced my husband & I, that’s how close we were. Life happens but reflection and time can heal old wounds.
We just did Mexico as couples this year. Her kids are talking to my kids like siblings. Confiding in each other and creating their own bonds. Kids are ages 30 to 18!
It can happened if we put the work into ourselves and they do to.
My best friend has been my best friend since we were seven. We’ve known each other for 35 years. We’ve been best friends from the moment we saw each other. It was platonic love at first sight.
My kids call her aunt (spefically moster, which means mother’s sister in my language). And vice versa. We always include each other in family events. Our husbands are good friends. We live in the same town, it’s five minutes on bike (not the town one we grew up in, we just ended up the same place).
She is the best thing, and I would never be without her.
I can’t really tell you why this friendship is special, I just love her, and we’re forever tolerant of each other.
I have another very close friend from when I was a teenager. And some other very good friends, I’ve picked up over the years. Some friendships fade, like you say for one reason or another. And I think the most important lesson is you have to be able to let things slide, and you also have put yourself out there. Maybe you tire of being the one to always contact your friend, but if you have a great time together, let it slide. Maybe sometimes months will pass without seeing each other, but let it slide. Maybe a new mum never asks about you and only talks about her baby, let it slide. I’m not saying let people walk all over you, but don’t sweat the small stuff.
I really hope you find a bestie again! ❤️