I have been on the fence about having kids for years. I’m now in that window where if I don’t try now, it won’t happen. My husband has said he was happy with my decision whatever that may be, but ultimately when I said I’m happy to try, I’d only try if we were both doing the work and parenting 50/50. We both have good jobs, earn the same. He kinda shut down at that statement and since we’ve checked in on it again he’s just says he’ll do what I want to do.
I had a Dad who was VERY hands off and my mother resented him greatly for it. He ended up doing a bit of damage to my brother who could never get his approval and didn’t get the Dad love and attention he needed. He now has gambling and drug addictions and can’t hold a job at 38.
I know I can’t do this with a husband who isn’t fully committed and who won’t really lean into it and help and want to raise and nurture a child. Its such a risk.
For those men who had kids because their partners wanted them, or it was just what life threw at you, did you lean in? Are you an active happy Dad? What does life look like?
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Fine. I loved every bit of it and whatever comes next.
It adds 100 more items to your to-do list a day but let’s be honest… what were you really doing with that time?
I dont have kids, I dont want them because if I had them they are everything I’d be in for everything, father figures I’ve had around me in my life dont share that sentiment.
Wife was 100% ‘want kids’ camp and I was ‘sure, sounds good’ as i was never too interested in children, viewed them as annoying and germ dispensers and expensive.
Immediately after they were born I was 100% all in. Staying up as late as needed, waking up in the middle of the night, early mornings, diapers, wife support, you name it.
Now they are 8 and 10 and I’m divorced from the wife.
Kids prefer time with me as my place is more engaging, interactive and welcoming. They hate going back to mom’s place and she thinks it’s because I’m a ‘fun dad with no rules’. Truth is my rules are easy to understand, don’t change and are rules for a reason. Not the bullshit of “because I said so”
Wasn’t sure I wanted kids because I value my free time and as I understand it, kids require a lot of time.
My first child was born a month ago, so I have limited experience, but I miss my free time being easy to come by… but I adore my baby so god damn much. Absolute light of my world.
I’ve always wanted kids, so this is coming from other men I’ve talked with about it. The biggest thing I’ve heard is that it’s so much better than they expected, and that they wished they started younger.
I think there’s no blanket answer. I was always indifferent to having kids and now I can’t imagine my life without them, it would be meaningless and hollow.
They are all consuming and fucking exhausting but only for good parents. No one here will know as well as you do how involved your partner may be.
I’d just say i think it’s very hard to not have kids change your hole perspective on life.
I also came from a household of a very emotionally distant father, but as an adult I recognise the thankless work he put in behind the scenes.
As such, I never wanted kids of my own. I bent the knee to my missus who was having the same “it’s now or never” crisis, and now we have a kid. In saying that, I didn’t agree to that commitment lightly, and I take my responsibility as a father seriously. I’m not a happy man, but that’s nothing new.
I’m female. I hope I can answer, though. My partner was on the fence, and he has said that having kids in the best thing he’s done and it feels like that was what he was meant to do in life. I hope you get lots of opinions to help you with your decision!
If he’s already shutting down at “50/50,” that’s not a green flag it’s a soft no in disguise. Parenting is too real to be vibing on autopilot. You’re not just asking for help, you’re asking for a real teammate. If he’s not all in now, he won’t magically be later.
Not to cause any disturbance here, but you’ll most likely only hear good stories here.
Might also want to check out sub: regretfulparents
So you’ll have both sides of the story.
Wish you a lot of luck with your choice.
Please continue to pull the thread about his involvement, what you need out of it, and what he thinks about that.
Marriages fail because couple what different things and expect different things on each other. Wether that result in the quiet “irreconcilable differences” divorce or the flaming dumpster fire of “I found out my husband was visiting gay brothels” divorce is always a choose-your-own-adventure, but it starts with unresolved expectations.
I wanted some of our kids, but I indifferent to more after a certain number (we have 9). I’m feeling resentment grow as I see myself unprepared to retire on time and my wife has big expensive plans to keep our family making memories for years to come.
When 9 was born 7 years ago, I didn’t think I could ever harvest resentment against my wife. We are a team and we’ll be fine. Now I get it. Also, she goes through phases of wanting more and I’m now finally saying “no”. It hurts her every time.
I wouldn’t say that I was indifferent, I was straight up on the don’t want to have kids fence. I fucking love my kid and would kill without a thought for him. Lil dude means the world to me and I’ll do anything to protect his. With that out of the way, he’s pushed me to take care of myself and seek help for things that I’ve needed now for years. All so that I can do my best to ensure that he has a good life and so he can see what it’s like to live a healthy life.
If you’re both not 100% on board then don’t have any kids. Parenting is 100%/100%, not 50/50.
It’s been tough but now they’re 8 and 11, I love them to bits, I’m proud of them and they’re great little buddies!
As well as to be expected! It’s hard, but rewarding. I think I’ve handled it as well as men who definately wanted children. I love the kid and would do anything for him.
I think you need at least one partner who’s all in. Both being 50/50 at best could really backfire. It’s more demanding than you can imagine in the early years.
I feel like my three kids are the most meaningful thing that I have ever done in life.
Sounds like your a partner is leaning towards NO
I feel targetted by this question.
My kid is amazing. I didn’t know I can have love for someone like this. Like I cry whenever he does something cute.
That being said, parenthood sucks. All the bags, diapers, buying shit for only a couple months or weeks, having to commit so much time and energy in learning and taking care of this thing, the lows, never going out again , loss of independence , having to make sacrifices now for the kid. Don’t do it until you are ready for that challenge
I’m exhausted and constantly busy, mourn for the life I used to have and all my free time.
I’d never trade it away though. Love the shit out of my daughter and look forward to sharing life with her.