So new to Two Hot Take. Started listening when I stumbled across Mogan on Smosh when it came across my ‘for you’ page. In the last three weeks I have been hammering through the back catalog. So thanks for my new obsession.
Anyways as to why I am here. I, 40 m, had something come up last night. My wife is currently 3 months pregnant and it hasn’t been easy on her. Between food poisoning and severe morning sickness, she lost 10lbs during first trimester. She is finally starting to feel normal so we went out to a pride burlesque show with friends. While there I found out that her mother has been going behind her back to try and convince the rest of her family to start bringing her step brother to family events again. This seems benign enough except that my wife never ever wants to see him again.
Back story, her brother (she calls him this because hes been her step brother since he was under 3) stole two of my cards and tried to use them to buy over $2000 dollars worth of stuff and then a month later he finally apologized and the next day texted her and said he needed her to have sex with him because he’s so depressed. She sent screen shots to the family group chat and basically said if he’s there, we won’t be. I wanted to kill this kid and verbally rip his head off, but respected my wife’s wishes to handle it herself and she has my full support. I love this woman and she has made me such a better person and a father.
So after the comment from my wife I wanted to explode. Her mother keeps acting like because this happened 8 months ago we can sweep it under the rug, but it was her first night out with her friends since the trip, ( I was in charge providing the dollar bills for the tips and carrying shoes đ) I didn’t want to derail the conversation and the fun. I am still fuming. I want to call her mother up and lay into her. But I don’t want to cause any further rift between her and her mom. I am also worried about bringing up the situation because it is tied to such a triggering event for her and she still isn’t feeling the best. I am at a loss of what action to take. I think I am gonna talk to her mom about it and about how hurt and violated the incident make her feel and every time the mother brings up the brother around my wife, it makes her feel ill, but would I be over stepping. I just really want to do something but I don’t want to make the situation worse. Help.
Edit/Update:
So I went yo the gym and read some comments and thought more while I worked out. When I got home, I sat down and talked with my wife. Asked what she would like to do. She asked me to write up a text and let her read it before I send it. I will probably do it tomorrow as we are packing for our trip right now, but I will use some of the ideas and verbiage you guys suggested. If there is anything more to report, I’ll make an update.
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Backup of the post’s body: So new to Two Hot Take. Started listening when I stumbled across Mogan on Smosh when it came across my ‘for you’ page. In the last three weeks I have been hammering through the back catalog. So thanks for my new obsession.
Anyways as to why I am here. I, 40 m, had something come up last night. My wife is currently 3 months pregnant and it hasn’t been easy on her. Between food poisoning and severe morning sickness, she lost 10lbs during first trimester. She is finally starting to feel normal so we went out to a pride burlesque show with friends. While there I found out that her mother has been going behind her back to try and convince the rest of her family to start bringing her step brother to family events again. This seems benign enough except that my wife never ever wants to see him again.
Back story, her brother (she calls him this because hes been her step brother since he was under 3) stole two of my cards and tried to use them to buy over $2000 dollars worth of stuff and then a month later he finally apologized and the next day texted her and said he needed her to have sex with him because he’s so depressed. She sent screen shots to the family group chat and basically said if he’s there, we won’t be. I wanted to kill this kid and verbally rip his head off, but respected my wife’s wishes to handle it herself and she has my full support. I love this woman and she has made me such a better person and a father.
So after the comment from my wife I wanted to explode. Her mother keeps acting like because this happened 8 months ago we can sweep it under the rug, but it was her first night out with her friends since the trip, ( I was in charge providing the dollar bills for the tips and carrying shoes đ) I didn’t want to derail the conversation and the fun. I am still fuming. I want to call her mother up and lay into her. But I don’t want to cause any further rift between her and her mom. I am also worried about bringing up the situation because it is tied to such a triggering event for her and she still isn’t feeling the best. I am at a loss of what action to take. I think I am gonna talk to her mom about it and about how hurt and violated the incident make her feel and every time the mother brings up the brother around my wife, it makes her feel ill, but would I be over stepping. I just really want to do something but I don’t want to make the situation worse. Help.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Sounds like you guys need to cut off the whole damn family.Â
They’re not supporting you. They’re supporting him.Â
It’s her family, so she may want to handle it herself. Talk to her before you do anything. Regardless of who does/says anything, keep that boundary barrier up. If you see him at a family event, leave. If he shows up at an event you’re already at, leave.
I wonder how MIL would react if your wife tells her she’ll never babysit your child and if she wants to see your child, it’s at your house.
Why would you have any contact with them at all? You gonna risk having a baby, child, adolescent around these people? Wise up.
I would wait until the fun is over and talk to your Wife. You donât want her to feel like you made decisions for her. I understand you wanting to talk to your MIL, but I would ask your Wife for her permission before escalating with her family. Once you have her permission I would say âMIL I know you have been going around telling family members to allow OPâs Stepbrother back into family events. Not only do I find it disgusting that, as her Mother you would allow someone you stole from me and tried to guilt trip your daughter into having sex with him. But I find it baffling that you donât realize stressing your daughter out right now, while sheâs pregnant, could be harmful to her and your Grandchild. What kind of Mother would risk not only her daughter but her grandchild as well? Iâm going to say this once. Stop trying to bring Step BIL back around or I will make sure you are not in my childâs life. Respecting our boundaries is essential to having any kind of relationship with us. Donât even try to give me that âit was 8 months agoâ excuse. You donât get to decide when someone forgives someone else. I mean what I say, so I suggest you heed my warning. It will only be given once when it comes to the safety of my Wife and Child.â
The action you take is to do what your wife wants you to do. Itâs ok to tell her how much youâre boiling over this and want to protect her from her fam, but to talk to her mom directly without your wifeâs full approval and wishes is taking away more of her agency than has already been by her mom.
She sounds like she really needs to vent, which is likely why she brought it up in a comfortable, distracted space where the focus wasnât all on her. She probably felt safe to just add her experience to the âcan you believe this??â pile so if you take it up again with her, keep the same conversational energy until SHE says she would LOVE for you to deal with her mom on her behalf. Donât try to persuade her. Listen and go punch a pillow but donât make it worse for her.
Of course, all that said, distance will be the best ending concerning the trash fam, but this is more about your relationship than anything.
I think you need to do exactly what your wife wants you to do. She doesnât need the stress of any kind of confrontations right now because it will come back on her. But I also think you guys should drastically reduce if not stop, any family visits until they get the message.
EZ NC
I know your wife has been ill and the pregnancy is rough on her. I get that you want to protect her. But if you don’t tell her, she’s still going to find out and it will be much harder on her than you sitting her down and talking about it and supporting her.
Tell her family the next time they bring Step BIL into you or your wifeâs company you will press charges for his theft of your cards very publicly and your wife wonât be able to do anything about it. Theyâll be pissed at YOU but do you really care? And itâll keep the heat off of her.
Donât talk to the Mum, that is her mother and she needs to deal with it especially if there is a rift to begin with.
I know your instincts are to protect right now but she deserves your respect and the truth.
Add paragraphs to your post please
Stop.
You say you wanted to respect that she handle it herself, SO LET HER HANDLE IT YOURSELF. Tell her.
The only option that is truly yours to make whether you want to file a police report and fraud charges.
It sounds like her brother is hitting that meth pipe too hard.
Paragraphs PLEASE!
Go NC! You do not have to be around anyone you don’t want to be around! Especially her messed up mom! WTF?
So, your wife doesn’t know yet? Then it’s time to tell her. Trying to protect her from this keeps her unable to address it. She needs to know what Mommy Dearest has in mind and how to address that. A huge post to the family chat about Mommy Dearest’s intention to include her brother in future events despite knowing what he did and that she won’t attend if he might be there sounds like a start.
Mommy Dearest is a huge problem that needs to be addressed now. Don’t let it linger and then explode closer than the birth of your beautiful baby.
Here’s the way I handle these issues
1 do you want me to problem solved, do you need to vent, should we have a bitch session. Sometimes they need one, sometimes all, sometimes none. It gives them option
You need to protect your wife and by protecting your wife is you need to go no contact with your wifeâs family! Stop walking on a shell about your wife and tell her that itâs best in if they go no contact with her family. She needs to 100% put herself her baby and you first go no contact. UpDateMe
I’m not even reading this, the title has the problem and solution. Ban the MIL. There is no “someone keeps bringing X to my property” problem that requires any sort of consultation. You ban the person.
Will never understand people letting parents or step parents or parents in law take the piss out of their home.
it feels like maybe you left an entire paragraph out here. youâre referring to things that clearly arenât there.
I absolutely despise that emoji, YTA for using it
Have a little talk with her mother. Tell her the only reason you didnât press charges against her brother is because your wife asked you not to. But if she keeps trying to include him in events where your wife will be, âI swear to God Iâll have him arrested and wonât back down until he goes to jail.â And if she tries to talk to your wife about this, she wonât be happy with what happens.
I would ask her, âWhat kind of mother disregards her own daughterâs mental and physical health to hang out with her pos brother?â I canât I
Shine any mother doing that.
Heâs a thief and a pervert. Your MIL needs to STFU and you need to keep yourself, wife, and baby safe. If that means NC with her Mom, then so be it.
Talk to your wife about it. Let her talk to her mother about it.
All I can add is: Do not lie to her or hide the truth. I’d much rather deal with something up front than find out about it later and realize someone, no matter how well intentioned, kept something from me involving my life. Especially now that she’s pregnant. She is in a delicate state, yes, but she’s strong and will handle it with your love and support.
P.S. Dump the entire family.
Donât deal with your MIL. Get in front of that step!!!
Talk to your wife first. But I would continue to keep away from him and leave the family chat if MIL keeps advocating for a thief and disgusting sex pest. If MIL brings him to a family event you leave. Then you just stop going to them altogether. Let MIL make her choice, her daughter or the BIL. I’m sorry you’re both having to deal with this, it sucks to be driven to such extreme measures but sometimes you have no choice.
Your wife was clear on what she wanted in this situation – if heâs at family events, she wonât be. Thatâs a very clear boundary and sounds like it needs enforcing now.
Number 1 rule in being a loving respectful husband. YOU ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR WIFE AGAINST ANYONE. STRANGERS, FAMILY INCLUDING MILs.
Don’t worry about ruffling feathers or pissing people off. Tell everyone if they invite this trash person and you as well you will leave and never attend another gathering at their home.
Tell MIL if she wants any relationship with her daughter and grandchild she better start acting like it and adhere to your request and boundaries.
Nothing, no familial relationship is more important than your wife and child, protect them always.
This guy would sell your baby for a dollar! Do not let him near you, wife or kids! The mother is obviously delusional and wants to keep a family together but his actions have consequences. However, I would let your wife deal with it as she doesnât want you to fall out with her mother in top of everything else she is/has been going throw. I am sure if she needs you to step in she will tell you. Maybe discuss a private word or gesture thatâs if she says or does that it means she wants you to step in but it doesnât make it look like itâs because she canât handle something for example if she decides to speak to her mother herself with you there and she canât get throw to her a simple double cough or wink alerts you she needs help otherwise be there to support but donât butt in as hard as it is. Itâs really cute she has a great husband who has her back though as not many would step in or start ww3 so well done you đđ».
It could also be a no contact with them all job if they donât take your wife seriously so also be prepared for that. I also never suggest that but as itâs a safety issue and a disgrace thing he did and said I would not blame you one bit.
Is the mum the stepmother or bio? Either way she is trying too hard to keep the family together, she should be disgusted at the theft & inappropriate messages. Burying her head in the sand hoping it will all blow over is not the way!
Talk with your wife about this and if she gives you the go ahead then have a quiet conversation with the mum, or write an email so she can read it, think about it then meet up and talk. But you are a good husband looking after your wife like this. Hope all gets sorted with no animosity
I am stuck on that you’re okay with a pride burlesque show but angry about about the step brother.
Adding to the choir here, go no contact let her mother and anyone who thinks âitâs not that big of a dealâ
Go nuclear
UpdateMe fingers crossed this goes smoothly for you and your wife!
Updateme!
Go no contact with MIL.
She can’t bring StepBIL along when she isn’t inviting or allowed.
Updateme
UpdateMe
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Updateme!
Updateme
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UpdateMe!
This is my take.
If some random person stole my cards and spent $2000 on stuff, Iâd have them charged to the fullest extent possible. If this same someone texted my spouse and told them they needed to have sx with them, for any reason, Iâd report them and make sure they wouldnât be allowed anywhere near my spouse.
But this isnât a random stranger, this guy is supposed to be family, so why shouldnât he be held to the same standard as a stranger. Why does he get to be treated as though nothing happened. But the most important question isâŠâŠâŠWhy does your wifeâs own mother expect the thieving, sxual harasser be welcomed back by the two people who he targeted?
Updateme
Updateme