I (33F) have been with my partner (34M) for over a decade. When we first got together, he was still friends with his ex (34F) on Facebook and, while they had been broken up for over a year at that point, they still chit-chatted and caught up with each other every once in a while. Once my partner and I made our relationship “Facebook official”, she sent him a long message about how she thought someday they’d rekindle their romance, how heartbroken she was, how hard it was to see him with someone else, etc.; then she unfriended him.
Fast forward to now: they haven’t had contact since she sent that message and unfriend him. They have both moved on…or so I thought. In the almost 11 years since my partner and I have been together, she has gone on to get married, have kids, and (sadly) get divorced. Despite the length of time, she still seems to be holding onto something; and unfortunately, we now work in the same professional field.
The two of us have never actually met or been introduced, but we both have very unique names, so we absolutely know who each other is. There’s a really good chance she looked at my profile when my partner and I started posting pictures together. She at least knows my name and what I look like. When her name showed up in my work email a few years ago (while I was working at an alternative school), I did the (im)mature thing and looked her up on Facebook to confirm it was her; it was definitely her and that’s how I learned she had been married, had kids, and gotten divorced.
The reason she was in my email is because she worked at one of the schools we serviced and she had to come test a couple of the students in my classroom. I was instructed by my supervisor to reach out to her so we could schedule a time for her to come since the students were in my classroom/caseload. So I sent a very normal, polite, professional email to discuss scheduling logistics (it should be noted that my work email included a signature with my name, credentials, and position at the school, so she very likely saw my name and knew who I was). She never responded to my emails. Instead, she would exclusively communicate with my supervisor who would then forward me the emails. I would reach back out to her to respond and she would email my supervisor again.
When she came to the school to do the actual testing, she refused to step foot into my classroom to retrieve the students; instead she stood in the doorway and just said “I’m here for [student]”, no introduction, no “hello”, nothing. She even left a student alone in the testing room for a while so she could go find my supervisor to take the student back to my classroom instead of just walking him back down herself. She had to come to my school a few different times to test students and every time it was the same thing. The only time we have ever actually spoken was when I happened to pass her in the hallway while going to the bathroom and I asked her how the student did with testing. She gave a super short answer and just went on her way.
Currently, I work at therapy-based clinic that has close ties with the autism community. Today, I had volunteered to represent my company at an autism awareness event in the community. I was one of the people manning our company’s tent/table, talking to families and answering questions when none other than my partner’s ex walked up with her two children (whom I recognized from the pictures I had seen on Facebook). Once again, she acted like I did not exist. No eye contact, no acknowledgement, nothing. I was literally answering questions that she was asking and she just stared down at the table the entire time or only looked at other coworkers.
We have never been formally introduced because she quite literally refuses to acknowledge my presence. And I cannot stress enough: I have never been anything but professional and cordial with this woman.
I have brought this up with my partner every time it has happened. His response is always pretty much the same: that that’s kind of how other people perceived her when they dated – kind of standoffish and cold. He’s asked me if I expect her to become my friend or something, but of course I don’t! I just want her to acknowledge that I’m an actual person, despite her history with my partner (which has nothing to do with me), especially in professional settings where we have to collaborate!
So…now that our paths have crossed multiple times, I’m worried that they may continue to, especially with us being in the same fields. What should I do if I end up in a situation where I run into her again or we have to work together again? How do you collaborate with someone who’s committed to pretending you don’t exist?
Also, please don’t be mean to this person in the comments. I do not know her or anything about her (other than what was mentioned above) and I am not saying she is a bad person at all with how she is acting towards me; she has every right to still feel a type of way about her relationship with my partner. I just want to know how to deal with this type of behavior. Thank you in advance.
Edit for clarity: I don’t know if some of you didn’t read the post or somehow got confused, but I wanted to clear up a few things. First, this woman is not my partner’s ex-wife. They only dated (were never engaged) on and off in college and my partner dated someone else between dating her and me. My partner did not cheat on her with me and in no way was I “the other woman”. Second, I don’t stress about this everyday. I don’t think about her all the time and lose sleep over the fact that she’s not nice to me; I saw her unexpectedly at a work event today and had a similar interaction to ones I’ve had in the near past and it made me wonder what I should do if we encounter each other again (which could be likely). And for those asking, no, my partner and I are not married, but this has been deliberate on both our parts. We have definitely had many discussions about it and it is on the horizon, we just aren’t sure how we’d like to do it.
2nd edit: Many people are also commenting about how long my post is as a way to justify me being obsessed with my partner’s ex. First, my original post is 10 paragraphs long, hardly a novel. All the details I included were relevant and added needed context to the situation.
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Backup of the post’s body: I (33F) have been with my partner (34M) for over a decade. When we first got together, he was still friends with his ex (34F) on Facebook and, while they had been broken up for over a year at that point, they still chit-chatted and caught up with each other every once in a while. Once my partner and I made our relationship “Facebook official”, she sent him a long message about how she thought someday they’d rekindle their romance, how heartbroken she was, how hard it was to see him with someone else, etc.; then she unfriended him.
Fast forward to now: they haven’t had contact since she sent that message and unfriend him. They have both moved on…or so I thought. In the almost 11 years since my partner and I have been together, she has gone on to get married, have kids, and (sadly) get divorced. Despite the length of time, she still seems to be holding onto something; and unfortunately, we now work in the same professional field.
The two of us have never actually met or been introduced, but we both have very unique names, so we absolutely know who each other is. There’s a really good chance she looked at my profile when my partner and I started posting pictures together. She at least knows my name and what I look. When her name showed up in my work email a few years ago (while I was working at an alternative school), I did the (im)mature thing and looked her up on Facebook to confirm it was her; it was definitely her and that’s how I learned she had been married, had kids, and gotten divorced.
The reason she was in my email is because she worked at one of the schools we serviced and she had to come test a couple of the students in my classroom. I was instructed by my supervisor to reach out to her so we could schedule a time for her to come since the students were in my classroom/caseload. So I sent a very normal, polite, professional email to discuss scheduling logistics (it should be noted that my work email included a signature with my name, credentials, and position at the school, so she very likely saw my name and knew who I was). She never responded to my emails. Instead, she would exclusively communicate with my supervisor who would then forward me the emails. I would reach back out to her to respond and she would email my supervisor again.
When she came to the school to do the actual testing, she refused to step foot into my classroom to retrieve the students; instead she stood in the doorway and just said “I’m here for [student]”, no introduction, no “hello”, nothing. She even left a student alone in the testing room for a while so she could go find my supervisor to take the student back to my classroom instead of just walking him back down herself. She had to come to my school a few different times to test students and every time it was the same thing. The only time we have ever actually spoken was when I happened to pass her in the hallway while going to the bathroom and I asked her how the student did with testing. She gave a super short answer and just went on her way.
Currently, I work at therapy-based clinic that has close ties with the autism community. Today, I had volunteered to represent my company at an autism awareness event in the community. I was one of the people manning our company’s tent/table, talking to families and answering questions when none other than my partner’s ex walked up with her two children (whom I recognized from the pictures I had seen on Facebook). Once again, she acted like I did not exist. No eye contact, no acknowledgement, nothing. I was literally answering questions that she was asking and she just stared down at the table the entire time or only looked at other coworkers.
We have never been formally introduced because she quite literally refuses to acknowledge my presence. And I cannot stress enough: I have never been anything but professional and cordial with this woman.
I have brought this up with my partner every time it has happened. His response is always pretty much the same: that that’s kind of how other people perceived her when they dated – kind of standoffish and cold. He’s asked me if I expect her to become my friend or something, but of course I don’t! I just want her to acknowledge that I’m an actual person, despite her history with my partner (which has nothing to do with me), especially in professional settings where we have to collaborate!
So…now that our paths have crossed multiple times, I’m worried that they may continue to, especially with us being in the same fields. What should I do if I end up in a situation where I run into her again or we have to work together again? How do you collaborate with someone who’s committed to pretending you don’t exist?
Also, please don’t be mean to this person in the comments. I do not know her or anything about her (other than what was mentioned above) and I am not saying she is a bad person at all with how she is acting towards me; she has every right to still feel a type of way about her relationship with my partner. I just want to know how to deal with this type of behavior. Thank you in advance.
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There’s not much you can do. If it were me, I would hold my hand out to shake her hand and introduce myself. No mention of your partner, just “I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced, I’m xyz”. If she ignores you, that’s thar. Obviously she holds a grudge with you – you have the man she thinks she could have been happy with. It’s sad to be divorced, especially with kiddos, so I’m sure it’s hard for her. But that’s not your problem. I wouldn’t even think too much about it. Hopefully she meets someone and falls in love so the past can be in the past.
Why do you care? She’s being weird, she’s the one who looks weird in these interactions, she has a reputation for being “standoffish and cold” per your husband…so why bother? Stop giving her your energy, that’s the only way she wins in this scenario and right now, you’re letting her win.
Why are you letting her live rent free in your head. Just return the favor and ignore her back.
Or – Every time you are near her just start talking about your husband… how wonderful he is … so caring..
You are living rent-free in her head! And now she’s living rent-free in yours…
In a professional situation, act professionally. If she chooses to ignore you or not respond, that’s on her and reflects poorly on her, not you. You can’t control someone else’s behaviour, only your own.
You do nothing. You treat her normally. Approach her exactly the way you would another collaborator, with polite professionalism. If she stares into your face in silence she’ll look bonkers. Let her.
You behave professionally. Let her look like the rude, unprofessional one. Explain to your supervisor if you’re asked why she won’t contact you directly but otherwise ignore all of this.
Why didn’t your supervisor reach out to her supervisor to complain that she was not reaching out to you directly when repeatedly told to do so? She was making more work for everyone. How did she not get called out on this? You don’t have to be friends, but she should be respectful and professional.
She’s a moron.
But I would have reported her for being unprofessional to the supervisor and said if they didn’t deal with it then you’ll go above their heads
This is a YOU problem and not really her problem. You are insecure and are projecting on this woman because she won’t offer the social niceties. Yes, she might be petty. So what? Someone else might have gotten over it or acted better, but she’s not that person.
You, on the other hand, have researched her on social media and act like you didn’t ultimately get the guy. Your husband chose you. Isn’t that enough? This sad sac of a chick shouldn’t have to do more than politely ask for children and keep it moving.
How about you just go your job, hand the kids over to her and move on too? If she doesn’t like you how will it really affect your life? And you mentioned it to your husband? Yikes. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Please do yourself a favor and enjoy your job, life, and husband instead of fixating on this woman.
Ps. She’s only making her look pathetic when she emails your supervisor, but take the gift because she could be an AH in email.
This is a her problem, not a you problem. You really should just let it go and match her energy. She doesn’t want to talk to you, so just don’t.
Return the energy. She’s nothing to you, why should you care?
If it’s having an impact on you professionally, then I would simply mention it to your supervisor. (If they notice and ask about it), at least so that you are not deemed incompetent. Other than that, leave it. She is hurt by her own past, none of which you are responsible for
Ignore it. If you work in education, I’m sure you know that there are some special personalities in the field. Just let her be the weird one and keep acting professionally. If her behavior causes you actual problems at work, you can notify your supervisor of the specific problem at hand, but otherwise just ignore her and let her spin her wheels. You need to let go of your desire for her to acknowledge you.
Take a deep breath and then just let it go. Stay professional when you see her.
If it bothers you so much, complain to her employer.
Just pretend you don’t know her outside of the work run-ins. And treat her like any other client that’s standoffish. I honestly don’t think you want this woman knowing that you know who she is. That opens the door for sabotaging and other stuff on her end.
If it happens in a way that interferes with her ability to do her job and for you to do yours, go above her head. HR, Boss, Supervisor, whatever you got. Explain that while you don’t care about having a personal relationship with her, her behavior is compromising the work and is therefore, a concern. She doesn’t just get to stop doing her job because she doesn’t like you. And she doesn’t get to refuse communication in a way that affects your ability to do your job.
It’s been 11 yrs and she hasn’t let go yet? She needs to seek help for that because she’s being petty and unfriendly on purpose. You have what she lost and she’s still holding a grudge. I would however report this behavior as unprofessional. She’s making it hard on you just because she can’t handle that he’s moved on even though she has kind of as well despite her divorce.
I would agree with the other posters, be polite and professional, I guarantee everyone around you who have observed your interactions in a professional setting think there is something wrong with her, not with you. Maintain your professionalism at all times.
However, you might want to clue in your supervisor next time you have to work with her. She should not have left the kid alone to find someone else escort them back to classroom, that was unprofessional, and depending on the child’s development level possibly dangerous. If she is going to act unprofessionally around you, your boss may have to request her boss send someone who can behave themselves.
She’s on the prowl and wants her ex back.
Protect what is yours, and do it with the aloofness and confidence that is your decade-long relationship.
You’re obsessing she’s not acknowledging you; stop. You haven’t figured out that her behavior SHOWS she’s acknowledged you; just not the way you want.
So now do a 180 and be as aloof as she pretends to be; make her INSIGNIFICANT in your life.
If you see her in your vicinity; completely ignore her and be larger than life. Don’t try to get her to acknowledge you; just the opposite. Be indifferent. Indifference to someone who wants you to be jealous or concerned is frustrating to the one who wants you to be obsessed with her.
So behave with indifference.
Because she deserves that.
Be happy. Interesting. Solid in your relationship and make sure your partner sees your new confidence in your relationship without a whiff of his ex.
Plan fun things that create positive deep memories.
She likes to pretend you don’t exist; RETURN THE FAVOR tenfold. But with an indifference that is untouchable.
Let her pettiness be her downfall.
What the ex is doing is totally unprofessional and uncalled for. If she can’t do her job professionally then she should be called out for it. Her behavior should definitely be reported because what actual basis does she have for her actions? What is she like 5 and holding her breath because she doesn’t like another kid on the playground? She is a grown woman supposed to be doing a professional job and should be acting like it. Please report her because this isn’t just affecting you, it affects the children she works with as well.
Is he only your partner or husband?
It does actually make a difference.
You’re spending way too much time and too many paragraphs on this. It’s not that deep — she doesn’t want to interact with you beyond the absolute bare minimum because you’re with her ex which sounds like ‘the one who got away’ in her mind, and she just went through a second divorce and doesn’t have a partner of her own. If you think she’s going to show the typical level of professionalism toward you, you’re mistaken. You already ‘won’ — enjoy your life and stop obsessing over her behavior. Trying to force her to be polite and professional toward you isn’t going to work, and it also begs the question of why you care this much about her and what she thinks. In her shoes, I wouldn’t be comfortable in a professional relationship with my ex’s new wife either if he was “the one who got away,’ and it would feel weird as hell having to email and talk with that person for work. I’d do what I needed to do professionally in that situation, but I can also empathize with her that this is a painful and uncomfortable situation for her to be in.
I disagree with those saying to report her for unprofessional because if you did make a report, are you going to be telling them she’s your husband’s ex-wife? See then, you would start to appear petty too and would be feeding the work rumor mill.
I work in education as well, and occasionally there are coworkers who are rude and unprofessional — that’s life. Most of the time, who knows why a coworker is being rude; at least in this situation, the reason is pretty obvious. Stop clutching pearls, chalk it up to his ex being jealous and uncomfortable, and move on. UpdateMe
She’s immature. I would have my supervisor reach out to hers and let him know how unprofessional she’s being my going to her/him and wasting his time.
As long as it’s not directly impeding your ability to do your job properly, just ignore her. If it becomes a real problem, speak with your supervisor.
…soooo??? Her life shouldn’t affect you at all – as yours clearly doesn’t affect hers. It sounds like you have some childish need for her to tell you “you won!”, and it’s honestly kinda pathetic.
Congratulations on the fact that your relationship with this dude has worked so far – likely due to all the mental energy his ex put into turning your partner into a decent one! (I really wish there was a sarcastic emoji)
Maybe she’s autistic?
Treat her the way she treats you! No Acknowledgement
red flags all around
Updateme!
I think you should talk to your supervisor about finding someone that’s professional at their job. It’s ridiculous how she’s acting towards you, the students and the supervisor just because she is jealous of you. She’s creating problems where there aren’t any just because she can’t get over her crush on your partner.
Does she have autistic tendencies as well? He knew her over a decade ago and that was her reputation then? It may be an explanation that has much less to do with you and much more to do with not necessarily fitting social niceties and when emotions are involved on too of existing issues you get what you have been experiencing. Either way, it sucks for her. Either she doesnt have the social skills and emotional skills to treat you professionally based on possible neurodivergence herself, or her life sucks so much that she is pining away over a decades old dead relationship. She’s got much bigger issues going on in her life. If you can keep doing what you are doing, know its not you personally and be thankful you are OK in the world if that makes sense.
I 1,000% dont think its OK for her to ignore you. She should be professional at a minimum. You deserve at least that. It just seems she may not be capable. Its not for your husband to get involved in because its your work and if he gets involved, now you made it personal. Thats why I say just ignore if it doesnt bother you too much.
When you have to interact with her by email cc your supervisor AND hers. If she only responds to supervisor when he forwards it, again reply to all. Her supervisor will catch on…no telling how many other people she treats similarly. Im old and trust me- she’s done this to others.
You owe it to yourself to lowkey antagonize and bully this woman by inserting yourself into her presence and maintaining prolonged eye contact with her whenever possible.
she wants it to be weird?
make it weird.
Does she interact this way with other people? Perhaps she has autism?
I don’t like how invalidating your partner was. Of course you don’t expect to be friends with her- you just expect to be treated like a person. It’s not a stretch.
It feels a bit like you are the one who is being obsessed with her. You know a lot about her. As if you have been checking her through the years
You even emailed her, pretending it was professional. But it feels like you wanted contact with her.
Maybe she feel you are behaving a bit strange.
Your partner mentioned she was perceived as cold and stand offish when they dated, so I don’t think this is actually all about you personally and more that she’s just socially awkward. And it’s been over a decade, and she has nothing to do with your partner. That’s the important part here.
Unless she starts creating issues for you at work, just ignore her and accept her behavior as weird but not really causing issues in your life other than making you uncomfortable because she is just weird. That isn’t going to change.
Be sure your supervisor understands there may be a reason why she’s going to him and avoiding you. This way, your employer knows why this particular woman may be acting strange when working with you, and you have it on record with them. It’s quite common for situations like this if SOs of an ex have to interact in professional settings.
I don’t think you should care honestly. But I do think she acted very unprofessional and I hope your boss at the time didn’t yell at you for her not contacting you directly. That was very wrong of her how she acted in those situations, like leaving the child alone because she refused to go to your classroom, just childish
Question: What is it that you want OP? Since you can’t control her and can only control yourself, what is it that you want?
If you want to be acknowledged, introduce yourself. If you want to have a conversation, you start one. Whatever the idea you have, you implement it.
Her goal is to ignore you and she seems to be doing that very well. If you want something different, you instigate it.
Take her being your partner’s ex out of the picture and figure out how you’d treat her then. If she’s being uncomfortably unprofessional, you’d talk to your supervisor about it, or report her to her supervisor, maybe?
It almost sounds like you’re actually giving her extra leeway because of the personal connection and drama, because you feel she deserves a bit of allowance for the circumstances or because you’re afraid she’ll drag them into any professional discussion.
If you would report someone you’re working with because of this behavior, do that, if you’d just shrug and skate around them, do that.
Also, your partner’s “what, you think she’ll be your friend?” is kind of dismissive? You want to be treated at minimum professional courtesy in your job, that’s not weird to want.
Z.
B
I don’t avoid this kind of crap and it bothers me when others encourage you to just ignore it. It’s bullying and trying to make you a non-person so if she has an opportunity with your husband one day she will feel no guilt having him cheat on you. What I encourage you is to is make her look at you through touch. If she says hi but doesn’t look, touch her shoulder and grab her eyes with yours. A slight tap will make anyone look at you and Encourage you to have a statement to remind her you’re a human- based on your style. I would probably say something like, “it’s ok to look at me :)” then be super kind and genuine so she knows you are a better choice than her for your husband. Becuase you are.
Get yourself an engagement ring with a big rock and be sure to be wearing it next time you see her. Watch her spin out of control.
Just be pleasant and professional. Pretend that you don’t know anything about her. Let all of the akwardness be on her. You don’t have to handle anything. If she chooses to sink her boat with unprofessionalism, that is on her. Don’t discuss her, don’t ask advice, and if anyone asks why she is such a jerk, just be bewildered.
You can’t control what other people do. Let it go. You rarely see her and it has limited impact on your day to day life.
I think you are taking this far too personally. Yes, it is personal, sort of, but it isn’t in that she would treat any woman partnered with “her” ex this way.
She has acknowledged you, by treating you differently than she treats other people. Let it be her problem. She has to go out of her way to avoid interacting with you. I’m not sure what your supervisor thought about her seeking her out when it was you that she was supposed to work with (both the emails and returning students to your classroom), but if I were in your supervisor’s position and knew that this is why she is doing it, I might be calling her supervisor to ask her to stop wasting my time and just work with the woman she was supposed to be working with.
Really, just let this go.
You should do absolutely nothing different then you have been. Be perfectly professional and polite to a stranger. Anything else going on is entirely in her head; don’t give it another thought.
She’s acting like a child. She deserves whatever comments she gets.
Actual adults deal with their feelings and don’t act out like she’s been doing. Just because she’s not yelling or swearing or causing a scene doesn’t mean she’s not acting out.
She’s not standoffish. She’s wildly immature.
Unfortunately, you can never reason with the unreasonable. Make sure your supervisor is aware – high level – of what’s going on and continue to be professional. And stop tattling to your partner about it.
You should also pretend she doesn’t exist
I hate that the edits you made had to be made.
…you trollop! You man-stealing demon! You’re clearly obsessed with her!
Lol!
Leave it alone let her burn her bridges this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
Match her energy. You do not owe her a thing, and rude should be met with rude. Do not look her in the eye or respond in any way. If she doesn’t address you directly, do not respond until she is forced to say your name. Do it publicly so that she looks like the idiot. Then respond very kindly “oh, you were speaking to me?”. Period – no apology, no other
response. Then stand there in silence while she repeats the question again. You don’t expect your students to act with rudeness, why on earth should she get away with it? If she can’t act older than a kindergartner, perhaps another career would be more suitable, such as an internet phone rep. They never respond either so she’ll do well there.
You need to stop caring so gd much
You might just be over thinking this, you continue to be cordial and that’s it. Maybe she never looked you up and has no clue who you are or she knows exactly who you are and wants nothing to do with the situation either way it doesn’t really matter.
Don’t let it get into your head just continue to do your job and live your life, don’t put any thought into her and give off the same energy.
I almost wonder if she isn’t neurodivergent herself. The emails though….
I wouldn’t do or say anything. Let it be obvious at some point your supervisor will notice and say something. Act like you don’t know and let them handle it. “Yeah I noticed she never directly responds to me, not sure why?”
Updateme
It’s pretty clear that she’s very likely autistic and introverted. Everything you’re describing that you expect her to do is extroverted neurotypical behavior. I wasn’t completely sure until you wrote what your husband said people thought about her. Just accept that she cannot behave the way you want her to. It’s not about being rude or mean to you.
Tbh? I’d match her energy. Obviously don’t reach out to her supervisor if you need something from her but be just as welcoming towards her in person as she is to you. Some would say this is petty, I don’t think it is. It’s not giving energy to someone who literally won’t even acknowledge you exist.
Maybe she is super shy. Maybe she thinks your partner has bad mouthed her. Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to you because you remind her of him/her. Maybe you’re overthinking this. Its been 2-3 times in what I’m guessing in years. If you’re really worried about it, do the grown up thing and ask her.
If she were a random person(not your partner’s ex) acting unprofessionally, how would you approach this? Honestly, I’d just pretend I didn’t know she was an ex and treat her like any other working professional. She doesn’t email you directly? Give that feedback to your boss or her boss. Keep it strictly work related.
I would try and have one polite conversation with her, or ‘to’ her if she doesn’t look at you or engage in it.
If for eg she’s due to come into your school again to test kids, you could either step out the door to speak to her in the hallway, or as your supervisor to step in your class so you can have a quick conversation with her before she starts the testing, or if you prefer, you could even send the message as an email prior to her coming to your school again.
An email would probably work best to start with, and then you can decide what to do when you see her in person based on if she replies to you or not.
I’d say something along the lines of….
Hi ‘sally’
I just wanted to reach out before we see each other again on x date for the next testing appointment.
I know it must be uncomfortable for you to see me or be around me given your history with ‘Sam”, however I was hoping we could maybe clear the air in order for us to be able to communicate better in person going forward. I have no ill will towards you at all, but I understand you may find it difficult and upsetting seeing me knowing I’m with ‘Sam’, as i understand when we got together you had hoped you two could have gotten back together again. So from your perspective, you likely feel I ruined that chance for you to be with him again. I’m sorry you got hurt, as I know it can be devastating when relationships don’t work out but people can be left still feeling in love with them. And there’s always the thoughts of what if etc. But you seem to have done really well for yourself, and as we are working within the same field, and our paths will cross every so often, I was hoping we could possibly be respectful and civil with each other. I don’t expect you to be fully comfortable around me, but it would be nice if we could acknowledge each other with a hello, and discuss anything work related, in a civil manor. You’re more than welcome to come into my classroom to collect the child you need, or ask me any questions, and I’d be happy to help answer any questions you may have about the children or how they got on with the tests.
I do hope you will feel comfortable with that level of interaction, but if not, I understand. I just wanted you to know there’s no hostility from me, and you’re welcome to talk to me if needed.”
Something along those lines maybe. That way she knows you’re willing to talk politely with her and you have no awkward feelings about her, and you’re willing to be civil and polite and discuss anything to do with the kids etc, and she can come in to your classroom etc.
But to be honest I don’t think she would respond, and I don’t think she would want to do that, as it seems like you’ve already shown her you’re not bothered about talking to her, but she has still continued ignoring you or looking down when she’s had to talk to you.
She obviously has resentment and unresolved feelings, and I don’t think that’s likely to change even if you did send her an email.
So to be honest, I’d just carry on as you are. If she needs to speak to you, she’ll do so via your supervisor, or if you need to ask her about the kids or the tests, she’ll respond whilst looking down at the floor etc.
So I’d just let her continue the way she is and it’s a her issue and nothing you’re doing is wrong etc.
At the point this is unfairly affecting children who aren’t involved in this petty nonsense and you need to bring this up to someone. 100% some of those kids are picking up the weird vibes. And interferring with their schedules or services because she refuses to communicate directly needs to go.
She can be as weird as she wants to you … but not at work.
Let it go. Stay open, friendly and professional and don’t expect anything from her. Don’t waste another thought on her behaviour and stop thinking she “owes” you any normal interaction. You don’t really know her back story and expecting anything from her gives that (non-)interaction more power than it deserves.
The Ex seems to want to ignore your existence. That you are even a human breathing there, and that’s probably just a way to protect herself from having a reaction because it would be inappropriate in her work life.
Don’t let her acknowledgment take up space in your thoughts and treat her like a stranger, whom she really is in this instance.
How uncomfortable and unfortunate you have to work with someone who wants nothing to do with you. You don’t have to bend over backwards to have her acknowledge you, you’ll just have to know where her and your boundaries are.
Maybe just address the elephant in the room? Just say “I know you and partner used to date but I hope that’s not preventing us from being cordial as colleagues when we do cross paths professionally.”
I would have said something a lot sooner. If she kept getting my supervisor and not me. I would have played dumb and called her out “hey do we have a problem? You keep going to my supervisor vs me. Is there something we need to discuss?” Or is everything ok with you. Cause I don’t see why you keep getting my supervisor. You can just walk the kids back. Again playing dumb but acting concerned while also calling her out. Or asking questions in a strategic way. Again to call her out in a subtle way.
You should stop caring. She isn’t hurting you or anyone else, at minimum she is just being kind of annoying. She gets to avoid you if she wants and has the ability.
Let it go, and stop brining it up to your partner as it clearly annoys them that you won’t let it go. It’s a nothing thing that you don’t need to pay any mind to.
Of course she hates you. In her mind, despite the obvious timeline, you took her man away from her
She’s behaving unprofessionally. Time for your supervisor to report her to her supervisor.
Don’t sweat it. Be professional. It’s her problem if she doesn’t act like a professional. If this becomes a problem, talk to your supervisor.
Lol that’s so embarrassing for her. And childish. Like….it’s been 11 years. That’s insane. And so unprofessional. I know you said to “be nice” about this person in the comments but….yikes, man. How is your supervisor okay with the behavior?
If she circumvents direct contact with you professionally again, you need to raise it with both your supervisor and hers. Don’t mention the personal connection, just make it clear that this is a repeated pattern of her refusing to behave professionally and that it is causing additional and unnecessary work. Continue to behave professionally yourself and be civil if you’re ever face to face. If she wants to be ridiculously petty, let her, but don’t match her energy. Be courteous and point it out if she refuses to email you directly again.
I assume you deal with many, many different teachers and people in your work. Only this one is acting like this and it’s not really causing you any issues, certainly not issues you can’t handle. Let it go, and just continue to do your job to the best of your ability without stressing about this one particular individual’s actions.
Next time you see her in a professional setting, you should stop whatever conversation is happening & say ‘I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced. I’m (so & so)’ and hold out your hand. Make her feel stupid for being so petty.
When you have to work together, address it with your supervisor to politely, but firmly, give a direct order to respond to you directly instead of going over your head. Perhaps the supervisor could then go over her head to escalate the issue with her supervisor. Cc your supervisor and her supervisor if she continues to go around you.
Her inability to professionally and civilly communicate with you is impacting the work since it involves pulling other people in to work around her actions. Her manager needs to hold her accountable.
I wouldn’t bother trying to give the extra details that you’re with her ex (not cheating) and she hasn’t gotten over it. Just focus on her unprofessional behaviour and how it’s impacting the quality of care the students are receiving if it happens again.
For open community events, she doesn’t have to acknowledge you, and you’re making a bigger deal than it needs to be.
Why do you care? There are plenty of rude people out there what makes her different? If she didn’t have a history with your partner, would she still cross your mind? It sounds like you might have some insecurities regarding your relationship. My best advice is to explore that. You might end up learning a lot about yourself!
The message she sent your partner tells you everything…I am going to guess he broke up with her.
She never really got over it.
Even with there being a person in between and no cheating, etc., she blames you for them not reconciling.
You need to match her energy, she does not exist beyond professional involvement. If her behavior affects your job or the clients you care for, speak to her supervisor.