I (f21) think I’m done with my marriage – but I cant help but feel guilty for wanting to leave

r/

Hi Reddit. I’m 21 and I’ve been married for about a year and a half – together for 2.5. My husband (m23) and I met through a dating app + college. It moved fast, but at the time it felt right — I was happy, in love, and genuinely excited for the life we were building.

Things started falling apart a few months after the wedding. His mom blew up at me over the holidays, and instead of defending me, my husband froze. That was the first time I felt really alone in our relationship. Since then, it’s been one long cycle of emotional conflict — with a few good months sprinkled in that make everything even more confusing.

Here’s the hard part to admit:
A few months ago, during a fight, he shoved me to the ground. He hasn’t touched me since, but he does get aggressive when he’s angry (ie slamming doors, throwing things etc…) There’s been therapy (mostly focused on his childhood trauma), and lots of promises to change, but I’ve hit a point where I feel like I’m slowly shutting down.

He says I’m the one who’s changed. That I used to be affectionate, romantic, cuddly. And he’s not wrong — I was, at first. I try. I’ve changed my schedule to spend more time with him. I’ve tried to initiate affection more But he says it’s never enough, that I faked who I was to trap him into marriage. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even recognize myself.

On top of that, I recently found out his “porn addiction” (which I assumed was limited to social media scrolling and occasional self-touching) is actually much more than that. Full-on porn.

He wants to keep trying. I don’t.
I feel so guilty for wanting out. I feel like I’m abandoning my marriage. But I’m exhausted. I want freedom. I want to feel alive again. I want to go to the gym without being guilted. I want to laugh and flirt and not carry the weight of someone else’s unhealed trauma every single day.

My mom says maybe therapy.
My best friend says: go.
And I’m here, asking:
How do you know when it’s time to walk away — even if you still love parts of them? Even if you’re scared of what comes next?
Has anyone else been here?

Thank you for reading. I think I just needed to say it out loud.

Comments

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  2. AutoModerator Avatar

    Backup of the post’s body: Hi Reddit. I’m 21 and I’ve been married for about a year and a half – together for 2.5. My husband (m23) and I met through a dating app + college. It moved fast, but at the time it felt right — I was happy, in love, and genuinely excited for the life we were building.

    Things started falling apart a few months after the wedding. His mom blew up at me over the holidays, and instead of defending me, my husband froze. That was the first time I felt really alone in our relationship. Since then, it’s been one long cycle of emotional conflict — with a few good months sprinkled in that make everything even more confusing.

    Here’s the hard part to admit:
    A few months ago, during a fight, he shoved me to the ground. He hasn’t touched me since, but he does get aggressive when he’s angry (ie slamming doors, throwing things etc…) There’s been therapy (mostly focused on his childhood trauma), and lots of promises to change, but I’ve hit a point where I feel like I’m slowly shutting down.

    He says I’m the one who’s changed. That I used to be affectionate, romantic, cuddly. And he’s not wrong — I was, at first. I try. I’ve changed my schedule to spend more time with him. I’ve tried to initiate affection more But he says it’s never enough, that I faked who I was to trap him into marriage. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even recognize myself.

    On top of that, I recently found out his “porn addiction” (which I assumed was limited to social media scrolling and occasional self-touching) is actually much more than that. Full-on porn.

    He wants to keep trying. I don’t.
    I feel so guilty for wanting out. I feel like I’m abandoning my marriage. But I’m exhausted. I want freedom. I want to feel alive again. I want to go to the gym without being guilted. I want to laugh and flirt and not carry the weight of someone else’s unhealed trauma every single day.

    My mom says maybe therapy.
    My best friend says: go.
    And I’m here, asking:
    How do you know when it’s time to walk away — even if you still love parts of them? Even if you’re scared of what comes next?
    Has anyone else been here?

    Thank you for reading. I think I just needed to say it out loud.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

  3. 10-4boogboi Avatar

    If hes hitting you or pushing you leave now.

  4. camillepie1 Avatar

    Hey I’m only 23 and I just left a relationship with a porn addict. Porn addiction in itself is terrible and hrs to go through. Everything else you’re facing is even worse. Get out, we’re so young and we don’t deserve to sacrifice our lives for bad people.

  5. Glittering-Lychee629 Avatar

    You’re 21, you have no kids, and you’ve only been together a short time. AND he has already been physically abusive and has a porn addiction. Divorce him and move on.

  6. any_business_ Avatar

    Don’t give him the chance to do something worse than shove you. It’s okay to love the memories you created with someone and no longer want to be in a relationship with them especially if it can cause you more harm than good.

  7. km4098 Avatar

    You can leave a marriage for any reason. Simply being in happy and it not being what you want is enough.
    You can feel bad, you can grieve it, at the same time as Leaving

  8. swbarnes2 Avatar

    You are only 21. It “felt real ght” because you were young and stupid. He is physical now, he will not get better, he will get worse.

    You made a dumb mistake when you were young. Fix it, and you can still enjoy your 20’s.

    Do not get pregnant!

  9. loandlye Avatar

    you are so young and this is not what love looks like. get your village, your resources in order, make a plan and leave.

  10. Mission_Leather_2913 Avatar

    Sweetie…. You gotta get out… Him shoving you…. BIG Red 🚩 he’s manipulating and gas lighting you left and right…. You deserve better! You deserve to be Happy again… Please, please stay safe! I wish you nothin but the best… Much respect…

  11. gymmama5 Avatar

    He put his hands on you, he’s a porn addict, and you’re unhappy. You’re still so young. Leave him. Go out and find yourself. Fall back in love with life

  12. Theptsdchick Avatar

    Something my mom said to me once.
    “You don’t need a graspable reason to leave somewhere you don’t want to be.”
    If you feel like you need a reason I think you’ve listed at least two. Pushing you to the ground and porn addiction would be marriage Enders for me.
    I have been married and divorced and I am now remarried to a lovely man I enjoy and who enjoys me, 3 years married 4 together.
    My first husband was an alcoholic (and I didn’t even know how bad it was until after we were divorced) and he cheated once. We had a baby at the time and I left. Best decision I ever made.
    If you don’t have kids, (I’m assuming you don’t since you didn’t mention any) just leave. If that makes you nervous, start with separation and see how that goes.

  13. Bvallep1 Avatar

    He hit you once. He’ll do it again. Leave.

  14. delulu4drama Avatar

    Unfortunately, it will only get worse if he has already put his hands on you. You are worth so much more than this and deserve happiness. Consider yourself first and send this man on his way…

  15. NonniSpumoni Avatar

    Now is the time. You’re young with no kids. It’s not your fault he has trauma and negative coping skills. It’s his responsibility to acknowledge them and fix them.

    I say this as an ancient who destroyed relationships with her trauma and negative coping skills. My anchor. I have permanent psychological issues due to childhood trauma. I have never held anyone captive because of them, which is what he’s doing to you. There is no excuse for violence. Ever.

    You have changed because of several things. Your environment, your emotional growth and a complete lack of support. Your mom is wrong. Get out now.

    Work on yourself. Grow as a person. Experience life. You have now experienced red flags. Trust your instincts when these things pop up.

    Don’t feel guilty for needing a break from chaos.

  16. kaylizzles Avatar

    Girl, how many more of your best years do you want to waste?

  17. StepYurGameUp Avatar

    Don’t let a 1.5 year marriage turn into a 3 year marriage with the same issues.

  18. LesPeches5876 Avatar

    OP, ask yourself this: if you had perpetrated all of the things your husband has done how long would he stick around? My guess, he’d be out in a New York minute.

  19. Jolariss Avatar

    I don’t know you, but what I do know is you deserve better. Take care of yourself, whatever that may look like 🙏

  20. rs-301 Avatar

    Yea I stopped reading when you said he pushed you, that’s abuse.

  21. California_dreamm Avatar
  22. Vandreeson Avatar

    He’s already put his hands on you once. Do you want to wait around for him to do it again? Next time it might not be a shove. Next time you might not get up.

  23. OpinionFew3201 Avatar

    You sound just like me when I was 20!!! I married too young and wanted out and the porn, oh my goodness I didn’t know for a long time. I wanted out so bad but I sadly stuck it out. Leave now. Do what I didn’t have the “balls” to do! Just leave, you’ll be better in the end !

  24. Alternative-Bat-2462 Avatar

    You started seeing him when you were basicly still a child. From 18-25+ people change an awful lot. You still don’t know who your are. Reality is you likely shouldn’t have gotten married so young. If leaving feels right do it because it’s for you, you have a lot of life to live.

    I’m curious why you say he’s a porn addict? Is it because he watches porn, or because he watches porn for hours a day / can’t get off without it? Porns perfectly normal in small doses, it’s when it effects normal relationships that it becomes an addiction.

  25. TallTacoTuesdayz Avatar

    Ditch him. Married too young and clear signs of abuse.

    Thank your deity of choice you didn’t have kids

  26. SmartFX2001 Avatar

    Your husband is abusive. Shoving you, hitting things in anger are red flags.

    Check out the book on manipulation and abuse:

    “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.

    https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

  27. Key-Signature-5211 Avatar

    What comes next is a mystery if you leave. It’s not a mystery if you stay.

    You are too young to give up your whole life for someone who is going to treat you so poorly.

    Get. Out.