What are some qualities guys tend to miss or undervalue when picking a long term partner? What are things they think matter more than they do?
What traits are over/under valued when choosing a wife/partner
r/AskMen
What are some qualities guys tend to miss or undervalue when picking a long term partner? What are things they think matter more than they do?
Comments
How motivated they are to take care of THEMSELVES physically mentally and emotionally INDEPENDENT of you and the relationship. HUGE green flag.
how much they value attention from the opposite text, especially when they have a partner
When they don’t have any mental issues, they are grounded and chill. Not anxious about everything
Communication skills and emotional maturity/stability
Communication. This both applies to men and women, a partner who can communicate their needs and issues in the relationship instead of bottling it up until it explodes and results in separation.
I myself have an experience with this. I had a girlfriend who had a habit of not shutting down men flirting with her. I went to my friend’s and they convinced me that she’s a cheater and I should dump her.
But, after talking things out, I realised she just didn’t care about the guys hitting on her because she had me, and once she realised that I misinterpreted all of it she started shutting down the men, now knowing it bothered me. And in the same sequence I realised that it was just my insecurities messing with me and it wasn’t that deep.
Anyways we broke up because she cheated, but that’s not the point.
Point is, find somebody who is straightforward with how they feel, and when they do tell you what bothers them, don’t invalidate their feelings or shut them down, hear them out. And you too should communicate.
(I just realised I started rambling)
– Sex drive (and usually having a bit of a “safety margin” here is advisable), this is the number one problem in relationships that are otherwise relatively healthy in my circle. These guys usually end up opting for pay sex at some point to close the gap.
– Intelligence
– Shared Interests and lifestyle
Physical appearance often overvalued and kindness often undervalued.
Are they reliable, can they help when you actually need a partner.
Overvalued: Exciting and interesting
Undervalued: Listening skills and reliability
Overvalued : Confidence
Undervalued : Honesty
Same religion or at least moral/spiritual values. All kinds of issues after the initial feelings/dating/wedding when kids and family are involved.
Do you bring peace and comfort to his world?
Accountability, Empathy.
Undervalued: Credit history/debt.
A partner who sleeps well. Bad sleep can both me a symptom of a lot of issues or it can cause issues down the line.
Good hip game in bed….I hate having to do all the work
People always talk about personality. It’s not personality, it’s Character. Is she a good person? Do they follow a moral code? What is that code? Are they honest? Truthfull? Do they have a moral code about sexuality? Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? Can you trust them with money? With your life? With your children’s lives? Are they reliable? Can you count on her to do or be what is needed when needed?
Health and energy. Kindness. Intelligence. Fitness. Does she go to the gym before she met you? Ability to take care of themselves and their life. Mental health. Are they normally chearfull or are they down all the time? Are they accomplished? Will they be able to make a meaningful financial contribution? Are they financially sound? Are they investing wisely, or are they spending money in silly things like overpriced purses? Affectionate. Does she hug? Kiss? Snuggle?
What are her friends like? That’s what she likes and values.
Communication. Do they know how to talk about things? Do they talk about problems early insted of letting them fester? Do they know how to disagree yet be nice? Do they always have to be right? Do they work towards bonding or towards being right?
What is her family like? Are they good people? What is her relationship with her family like?
Underrated…. They like you.
The number of people i know who love their partner/spouse(in a sacrificial way) but don’t like them(enjoy being around them) is CRAZY to me.
Overvalued: looks
Undervalued: has developed an identity with interests, hobbies, and ideas around how to live a fulfilled and meaningful life
Does she do little things for you ? If so then she will likely support you in life. If she expects you to open the restaurant door, drive her about the place, pick up the meal but never reciprocates than she’s an energy drain. Avoid.
Overvalued – hobbies and shared interests, ambition, goals.
Undervalued – values, priorities, integrity, discipline, patience.
If they create a peaceful environment at home and don’t make you seem as if your hard work isn’t noticed and appreciated.
Having an “attitude of gratitude” as they say is frequently overlooked.
While how pretty or good she is in bed is heavily over valued.
Sexual ability can be learned or worked on, looks fade or you get used to them.
Dudes get all excited, as do women, when they meets someone who is hot and fun and good in bed. Then after a couple months or years, when the novelty wears off and the honeymoon is over all the nice things you to do with and for her aren’t appreciated but expected.
It’s mfer why didn’t you take out the trash!?! Vs thanks for taking out the trash. That attitude and treatment gets old fast.
Love ..ya fall in love can t stop
Thinking bout her But I would live with her for lest year .make sure she the the one. Never know someone till live w them
WTF are you playing fantasy football or picking someone to share your life with?
Humility. Once someone is super arrogant with you it’s hard to look at them the same way.
Communication. Actual legitimate communication, not when your average woman says “communication” and they are avoidant/non-confrontational so they never communicate about the difficult (important) things.
Submissiveness. Don’t care if this hurts your feelings or how bad it may seem. I’ve dated (for close to 20 years of this with different women) plenty of strong independent feminists who still relied on my part of traditional roles. First time in a relationship with a traditional and submissive woman. There is no going back.
Looks are kinda over valued.
And no, i don’t mean being an unhealthy weight (either obeese or anorexic), I mean just how you look.
I’d rather date someone who was less attractive but I got on with and had some great passion (that is not reality tv bullshit) than a super model who was boring as shit and a bit of a bitch
Being fun to be with since it’s all well and good them looking like Aphroditey but if they won’t let loose and get up to some shenanigans with you it will be fairly boring
Maturity. Too many parents baby their daughters well into adulthood. In turn, those daughters grow into women who with the expectation that society will coddle them.
This leads to
A lack of personal accountability
Reckless behavior
An inability to think critically in regards to stressful situations or even normal ones
Poor communication skills
Etc. Childish women do not make good partners. I don’t accept the “I’m just a girl, I don’t know how to manage money properly, tee hee girl math” rhetoric at all.
Undervalued: Good credit
Being independent. Not hugely, but being willing to drive around.
Knowing when a guy doesn’t want to talk. Reading body language and not badgering him into sharing his thoughts. MASSIVE GREEN FLAG
Appreciating things he remembers.
Overvalued would be physical attractiveness. That doesn’t mean your wife/partner being attractive to you isn’t important; it’s important to me.
I mean it’s overvalued in the sense that we place so much emphasis on it when looks eventually always fade. If they have no personality or there’s no chemistry beyond sex and physical attraction then the outlook in that instance would be bleak.
Undervalued? I don’t think anyone actually undervalues this, but it’s humour and being able to genuinely laugh together with your partner. I think it’s so important when their sense of humour matches yours and you can bounce off of one another.
Communication is both over and undervalued. If we split communication in half:
Being Communicated To vs
How You Communicate With Others
Being communicated to is unbelievablely overrated. While the latter is criminally undervalued.
Take this for example. Women would complain about guys who start coming up with solutions when she’s just trying to vent. That’s fair. But what prevents a woman from starting off with “I just need to vent” or any short combination of words that communicates her needs clearly.
Not just men, but whether or not they fit their “type”, or their idel partner.
Nothing wrong with preferences, but if you’re automatically disqualifying people because they have the wrong color hair, or skin, or they don’t fit in the arbitrary age range you’ve set for yourself, etc, you’re gonna have a hard time if you’re looking towards the future
Being a kind person. This is something I’ve learned from seeing my parents relationship, but rudeness poisons a relationship so much
Self discipline. My wife doesn’t read, watch movies, consume culture, can barely cook or decorate. But she’s funny in her own way, organized, clean, has self discipline and cares about how she looks. She’s also incredibly thoughtful.
Undervalued: sexual desire and attraction, if I’m going by this comment section. I’ve been married to someone whose company I enjoyed but who wasn’t that into me. Guess what ended our marriage? Guess what usually ends all of those marriages? No, looks aren’t everything, but overlooking a lack of passion because of “compatibility” is going to blow up in your face.
Overvalued: Intelligence. I’ve known and dated so many intelligent people who have done nothing with it. Plus, so many people who insist on it define it so narrowly that they dismiss people outright who are worth becoming close to.
Passing gas!! First if they are comfortable enough to do it in front of you means a lot. Second if it smells like any level.of hell!! Then the kicker…she gets pregnant and only thing that helps are “thoughts and prayers”!!
How they treat the staff. Whether it be fast food or Michelin rated restaurant.
Don’t belittle people.