So I (22F) live with my roommate Sarah (21F) and we’ve been cool for like 8 months now. Her boyfriend Jake comes over literally every single day and I’m starting to lose my mind. Like he’s here when I wake up, he’s here when I get home from work, he’s eating our food and leaving dishes everywhere. I swear he lives here more than I do and he doesn’t pay rent.
Yesterday I finally snapped because I came home and found him using my laptop without asking. I told Sarah this isn’t working and Jake needs to limit his visits to maybe 3 days a week max. She got super upset and said I’m being controlling and that it’s her apartment too so she can have whoever she wants over.
Now she’s barely talking to me and Jake hasn’t been over since which honestly feels amazing but also I feel kind of guilty? Like maybe I should have talked to her about it earlier instead of letting it build up. My friend thinks I was totally reasonable but my sister says I was being a bitch about it.
I don’t know, am I wrong for setting boundaries in my own place? I pay half the rent but now I feel like the bad guy. Sarah keeps giving me these looks and the vibe is so awkward. Maybe I should have just dealt with it?
TL;DR: Told roommate her boyfriend can’t be over every day, now she hates me and I don’t know if I was wrong
Comments
You did not fu. Sarah is not a good roommate. How come she can’t go to his place once in a while?
The moment he used your laptop without your express permission kicking his ass out was the appropriate response. Until he apologizes for being such an awful guest and changes his behavior for the better, he should remain unwelcome.
Didn’t fuck up.
Using someone’s laptop without permission is a permaban on its own.
NTA. The fact that Jake has been mooching off of you and your roommate’s shared living arrangements without paying rent, and completely disrespecting personal boundaries with touching your personal belongings (using the laptop is a HUGE line crossed) makes you not in the wrong. Shitty roommate.
First of all your laptop should be locked when you’re away from it. Windows key-L will lock it instantly. No one should have access to your desktop where you do you online banking, social media, etc. If you want to let others use it, create a user account for them it’s SUPER easy to do and keeps their shit completely separate from yours.
I come home and my roommates girlfriend who I’m already annoyed at because she’s there all the fucking time and my home is supposed to be my fortress of solitude is using my laptop? I’m flipping SHIT. That’d be the last straw, I would’ve done the exact same thing. You didn’t fuck up, you established boundaries and stood by them. Your roommate sucks and doesn’t respect that it’s not HER place, or YOUR place, it’s BOTH of yours, so there needs to be compromises.
it is one thing to eat your yogurt and leave a disk out and a total different thing to use your laptop.
If your friend does not understand how this was a violation of your personal space maybe you need another roommate.
ps. put a password on that laptop …..
Some joint tenancy agreements have a clause for “Partners max 3 nights a week”.
The rest of his behaviour doesn’t warrant any attempt a defence.
You go girl. You are being reasonable – it is YOUR living space too
I see these things nowadays and realize that my former college roommate took advantage of our situation. His girlfriend basically moved in and created chaos and I never saw a dime in rent from her. Shit.
NTA Jake is taking advantage of both of you. Why is she never at his place?
You know what? Everyone fucked up.
You guys need to communicate. TALK when things BEGIN, not just when things are about to explode. Now you’ve been a dick and everyone is upset.
Next time, talk when things start to bother you, ok?
NTA,
Heck if he there all day and eating y’all food I would start charging him rent. Heck charge the visit. If he wants there everyday 60-80$ this cover 2 – 3 meals
Use this as a good opportunity to password protect your laptop and lock it when you walk away using the Windows key + L
NTA but you need to have another conversation with Sarah to clear the air.
Who owns the place? If you’re both renting, then there are probably rules in the lease limiting visitors for legal reasons.
In the very least, the boyfriend never should have touched your laptop. That’s something to point out to the roommate. He’s using your things without permission, and that isn’t okay. If she makes excuses, then you know it’s time to look for a new living situation.
The place belongs to both of you and if one of you isn’t happy, a compromise needs to be made.
That’s all there is to it.
You want your space and did not agree to a third person essentially living there.
Especially one being a slob and using your belongings.
Your roommate needs to understand that you both live there and of she wants to see her BF every day, maybe she should consider moving in with him or staying at his place on some days
Consult the landlord since the boyfriend may be staying longer than guests are allowed. The boyfriend will probably need to be added to the lease and pay his share of rental if he insists on staying. If that does happens then lock your property up in your room and use a passcode on your laptop to prevent access by others
NTA. You should be comfortable in your own home, yes your roomate pays rent, but so do you, and what you say in your home goes. Can’t have it her way or the highway. It’s kinda similar to my brother and some girl I don’t even think he’s in a relationship with. Everytime he comes home from work, guess whose car is pulling up right behind his? It’s just an overstaying your welcome and we want privacy, not an unwanted guest 4-5 days out of the week for months on end.
In the future, try having this hard conversation earlier and instead of posing a rule, suggest the possibility of the change you are looking for.
The dishes and all can lead to a compromise but using a personal device is enough to tell him to get out and not return and she’s probably not far behind.
You have personal documents, financial information etc. if you don’t grant access or he doesn’t have an account on this device, he’s gone.
X3 visits is way too nice, this will come back to bite you
Nah fuck them both for treating you like that
The mistake by you was going to the ban. You should have started with “Jake is here very often. Using our food, making messes and utilities. I think he should be covering some of our expenses”. If they refuse then go to a limited amount of visits. Using your stuff is a complete no.
I think you could have addressed this sooner and more calmly but you’re not wrong. Check your lease about guests and how long they are allowed to stay. Remind your roommate of those rules. If she’s still acting like a child, then I would make plans to leave. These kinds of conflicts where one roommate doesn’t have appropriate boundaries usually don’t end well.
if the bf was going over every day, that is not visiting, that is basically living there. And using your laptop without asking you is a major asshole move, that alone would be enough to make me mad. i hate entitled assholes who think they can freely use other people’s property
He is stealing your food, making messes in your house and using your computer without permission. He is essentially acting like a dependant of the household. Do you claim him on your taxes? I’ve had roommates like that. We did not get along well. People acting like stealing and making your life harder is somehow okay, but if you did it back then suddenly it’s a different story. No thanks. I cannot abide that kind of behavior.
sounds like you’re jealous she’s got regular D and you’re stuck playing with yourself
I don’t think asking him to be around less is bad at all, I do think you lashed out and acted like a jerk.
You can take a few steps back without backing past the letting your boundaries get crossed line. What I mean is making your boundaries clear was important, but if it was done in a way where the end result ended with no one being happy you can backtrack(not the right word but bear with me) and try again.
After setting up a talk, you can say something along the lines of: “sorry I snapped, but the way things were going weren’t working. You said I was controlling and I see where you come from but I also can’t have things the way they were. That’s why I think we should have this back and forth talk. I can tell you my POV and what I think isn’t ok we can bounce back the things we think until we both happy in our home.” in your words or whatever.
If you aren’t good at words, don’t be embarrassed to write down and plan how to bring this up, take a step back to make sure what you planned doesn’t create more of a rift and then go ahead with it. The next step would be to be clear about how you feel and what you experience. Not what you want to happen (yet at least). I’m going to assume how you feel from the context you gave and give some examples but it’s really more to show that it can be done rather than a guide.
“Listen, Jake was here virtually every time I was home. He ate our food and left dishes everywhere all the time and doesn’t pay rent. I’m not trying to say he has to pay to come here, I’m trying to show that it started to feel like I had an extra roommate sprung onto me. In my case, I mostly got to experience the bad sides of a roommate. Having “guests” over everyday I came home is exhausting and when I saw he was using my laptop without asking all that buildup poured out, I snapped and said the 3 day max thing. Realistically, I’m not stopping you from seeing your boyfriend, and the 3 day max thing was something I came up with because I’m not equipped to figure out exactly what should happen to fix this, but he can’t live here. Let’s try to figure it out so our time here isn’t miserable.” leading to the back and forth, I’d make sure them providing for him and cleaning up after him is mentioned.
I got a little too caught up in the “I’m the roommate who has had enough” roleplay, but my initial goal was just to show you if you didn’t like the outcome of your last try to resolve something, you can try again differently. These 2 lines were the TL;DR I guess.
I’d use my own words, and Idk your roommate, idk how she reacts when angry, idk if she’s petty etc. This isn’t in any way “the way to make it work” it’s just showing there’s a possibility to not have to sit in the stink created and maybe try to fix things.
Sarah can literally eat shit imho
>She got super upset and said I’m being controlling and that it’s her apartment too so she can have whoever she wants over.
Lol, no that’s not how that works. Yea she gets to have some say in the apartment but she can’t just have whoever she wants over. If you started bringing homeless drug addicts to hang out in the apartment I’m sure her attitude would change real quick.
Could you have brought it up sooner instead of letting it build up? Yes. Do you wanna call that a FU? That’s up to you. But he absolutely never should’ve touched your laptop, and assuming the way you describe it is objectively accurate (this is just one side of the story, after all), he was being horrible and you were well within your rights to feel how you did.
As someone who has been the victim of others letting things build up until it got to be too much then confronting me with the blown-up problem when it could’ve been an easy fix if they’d just approached me when the issue first arose… I feel like, in your shoes, I would’ve brought it up with Sarah a long time ago, and nipped it in the bud then (assuming she was amenable). But, hindsight is 20/20. Given this caveat that no one can do anything about now, my best advice would be to try to have an open, honest communication with her if she’s open to it (you could slip a letter under her door to this effect if she’s not, and leave it at that if she doesn’t come to you afterwards), where you say everything you ‘should’ve’ (in my opinion) said before, and acknowledge that you were wrong to let it go this far before talking to her about it (even if this is not objectively true and just subjectively true, coming to her from this angle would hopefully endear her to your perspective since you’d be accepting some responsibility).
That’s just my advice, again, as someone who’s been on the end of this where I was not meaning to offend the other person, but I apparently was without realizing it, and they never told me so I never realized there was any problem with what I was doing, so why would I change my behavior? Yet, the whole time, they assumed I did know I was offending them, and that I was basically a sociopathic monster who just didn’t care at all. So, that might be Sarah’s perspective right now. Hope that helps you understand the other side.
Open, honest communication is the answer to our relationship problems like 95% of the time.
Best of luck to you.
Not a fuck-up. Your roommate knows that her BF is a slob and a user.
start looking for a new place to live, and lay out the ground rules from day 1
NTA
Look at your lease. There’s a very good chance that there are limits to how often a guest can be in your apartment. If there isn’t, have a conversation with your landlord. Sarah’s boyfriend needs to start paying rent.
It”s not about your laptop. But if one guest disturbs you that is an issue. It doesn’t matter if it’s her boyfriend or brother or whoever. Especially if only she has a guest living with you – and you not.
Maybe it is time she moves with her boyfriend. Or you leave and they keep living there
NTA, You’re entitled to your own peace and quiet and alone time in your own place that you are living.
Not too much the fact that he was using your stuff without asking. That is not okay.
You’re well within your rights to request that he not be there so often. That would drive most people crazy.
Your roommate needs to go over to his place some of those days instead of him always being over at yours.
Move already. They’ve already shown that they don’t respect the shared space and he’s not paying rent.
Him being over there would be one thing if he was a good guest, didn’t eat your food, make a mess, use your laptop… but uh yeah obviously he’s doing all of that which is ridiculous 😂
I had this issue with a former roommate who had her BF over so much I was convinced he was homeless. And then he brought his BROTHER over to eat our food and leave his shit around. I was already furious, but then my roommate and her BF go to her room and ‘get busy’ and this absolute tool starts looking me up and down like ‘where’s mine’.
Fam, I lost it. I started shrieking that if he didn’t get out of the house immediately I was calling the cops.
My roommate was mortified and I could not have cared less. I kicked her out too.
I’m still shaking thinking about it, and it was over 30 years ago.
Check the lease agreement. He can only stay over a certain number of days before he has to go or be put on the lease as a renter. You can’t have indefinite guests. Also, it’s rude AF.
You nailed it when you noted perhaps you should have mentioned it sooner. It’s always better to have a calm conversation early instead of holding it in until you explode about it.
Sneaking onto your laptop is entering identity theft territory.
If your rent can be made cheaper by agreeing to add the boyfriend to the lease then maybe it might be worth considering.
NTA. You pay rent. Okay if he eats her food only and she tidys up their mess. But using your laptop? You are also entitled to live in your own house
God I don’t miss having roommates it always ends up like this
tldr conflict with title. i am guess tldr is more accurate
Hard NTA. Additionally, you should password protect your laptop. It’s quite irresponsible to not have a password, no matter the situation
If he starts coming back over I’d find a way to lock the door to your room. Any time he leaves dirty dishes go put them on your roommates bed. She’ll get pissed at you but hopefully it eventually leads to her talking to him
I’d rather be a bitch than a doormat. Eating your food, leaving dishes, and the laptop use are all unreasonable. These things happen at your age. Sarah needs to move in with Jake at this point and you can find a new roommate. I bet your living situation is nicer than his and Sarah is being self centered expecting you to just be cool with this.
The only thing you may have done wrong is approach her about it in the way that you did. Expressing thar you feel like you have next to no privacy and that he used your laptop without your consent may have been the way to go, but who knows?
He is not allowed to touch your laptop. That not okay behavior. If he needed to use a computer, he should have used Sarah’s. If Sarah wasn’t home, he shouldn’t have been in the house at all.
New rules: You need a reasonable number of days when Jake is not there. Jake picks up after himself. Jake does not touch your stuff–not your food, not your electronics, not one thing.
If he can’t be a good guest, he doesn’t get to be a guest. This is not controlling behavior. This is a good boundary.
He is not allowed to be there unless Sarah is with him, and it is her responsibility to see that he follows the rules. It has always been her responsibility to see that he treated your space and your property with respect. She let you down here, too.
tell her she can have whoever she wants over to visit, but she can’t have whoever she wants live there.
next, get out your lease. there’s almost always a clause in there that defines what is a “guest” – it will normally say that if someone stays more than x number of consecutive nights or x number of total nights, they must be added to the lease as a tenant.
point it out to her that she is in violation of the lease and you could both be evicted for it.
if by some chance your lease has no language regarding guests (it’s rare), you might think about moving.
NTA and tell her never to let him use anything of yours or he’s banned. If they want to live together, they can do that by themselves.
It always sucks when you have to explain to someone how life works. Hopefully, you two can hit the reset button and work things out. Don’t let people take advantage of you ever.
If you want to keep the peace in situations like this you need to learn how to set boundaries more effectively. It seems the issue isn’t so much his present in your place but using your things and eating your food without permission. That’s the conversation you should have had with your roommate and maybe she would have been more receptive.
Jake is an asshole, but why tf don’t you have any sort of security on your laptop?
Touched your shit without your expressed permission. Nowhere is this a FU. I’ve been in relationships with shared living situations with a gf and when I walk the hall, even if a door is open, it’s blank space to me…
Move out
You need to get out of that situation now. They have both “shown” you who they are. Move on and ghost them. It gets easier to dump “friends” like these as you get older. Do something interesting and you will make real friends in time.
“maybe I should have talked to her about it earlier “
yeeeuppp. lesson learned.
at this point apologize and have a full sit down discussion about what level is appropriate vs now and what your expectations and boundaries are.
Wrong sub. This is exactly what r/AITAH was made for.
Probably should have said something sooner, given them a chance to do better then see if they did or not. But I would be mad about someone’s bf/gf making a mess all the time & using my stuff without asking too. So your reaction was fair.
If you care about working it out with her, you could say something like maybe you overreacted a little bit and discuss it again with her. If she refuses to compromise and see it from your point of view, not much more you can do. Her bf isn’t paying rent, you don’t automatically owe him full access to your things and space.
I assume he’s spending nights? Most rental contracts have rules about guests staying for extended periods of time.
It wouldn’t hurt to look over your contract or contact the rental office/landlord
You did not fu.
I’m an adult well in my 30’s, and I avoid this kind of issue now by having a discussion with potential roommates about how often they want to have guests over or spend the night. If we don’t match on this, I don’t move forward with them as a roommate. If we do, we sign a roommate agreement that covers this in the terms, among other things, so we are both protected from shitty behavior. An apartment for two people is too small to regularly have an extra person in it unless both tenants agree to it.
Despite what the popular reddit advice is going to be, you handled it poorly and you know it. Gauranteed the top posts are all about how what you did was absoultely justified and correct. But you know you fucked up because now it’s stressful with your roommate, something you clearly don’t want.
In a sense they are right. It’s your place, and if he isn’t being a good guest, and not cleaning up after themselves and using your stuff without permission definitely falls into that category, then you have the right to sit your roommate down and talk about it and tell them how this is unacceptable.
However, snapping over it and effectively kicking him out, with seemingly no warning that you were having problems with him, as you learned, is not the right way to go about it.
You need to read up on “I statements” and then sit your roommate down and explain to her how you feel about the whole thing. “I feel violated when someone uses my stuff without permission. I like having my place clean, and I don’t want to have to do other people’s dishes.” You absolutely have the right to set boundaries, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. I suspect this can still be salvaged, but you’ll she is going to be super defensive now so you have to be careful about making it all about you and how you feel.
You didn’t fuck up at all.
I was with my girlfriend when she was at college, and she shared an apartment with other people. I have been the boyfriend that comes over, but there are respectful ways of doing that. I managed to be respectful and i bonded with my gf’s ex roomates, sometimes i’d cook a cake or something for them, sometimes i’d just bring them weed and sometimes beers.
And i used to go there much, much less frequently than the guy in this post.
He’s being disrespectful, and leaving dirty dishes/using your laptop isn’t even disrespectful, it’s outright outrageous. I have no idea how you managed to keep it together for so long.
Your roomate has no idea what “being controlling” means, she just heard it on tiktok and is spewing it out instead of having an actual conversation, as if calling you “controlling” automatically invalidates any concerns you have while portraying themselves as the victim.
Girl, if he’s constantly there as much as you say then he should be paying rent and contributing to chores around the house. And if he doesn’t want to do it then tell him to go live somewhere else lol
If her logic is “it’s my place too, i can do what i want.” Then what about you? Why dont you get a say? Unless it is her place and hers alone, you have equal say. Him using your stuff is more than enough of a reason.
Also, I used to be at my ex’s place all the time, too. However, i pitched in with the cleaning, dishes, and part of the bill because i dont want to be a mooch or whatever guy your roommate’s bf is.
Just adding, it sounds like your sister never had shitty roommates to understand what it is like. Also, really shitty she cant comprehend its her own sister’s place, too.
If he’s not on the lease, she shouldn’t leave him there when she’s not there.
Your lease may have terms for guests. and frequency of their visits or staying over. Ether way, there’s no excuse for him (or her) using your laptop without permission. Don’t you have.a password on it?
If he’s there all the time.
Why doesn’t he just move in and pay a third of the rent.
Why can’t your roommate stay at his house.
Using your laptop? Yeah that’s crossing a line.
I would have done the same thing, clearly a last straw situation.
Once she’s calmed down sit down and discuss why you lost it and hopefully she will understand. Otherwise. Maybe time for a change of living situation?
put a password on your laptop. first and foremost.
who’s the lease holder? propose splitting lease three ways. if they don’t, best of luck finding someone who’ll take the apartment with this albatross. if they’re smart, they’ll go with the devil they know over the devil they don’t.
maybe propose some boundaries and chores for homeboy keep up with if he’ll be living there but not paying.
Nah F that if someone who’s not my guest touches my stuff, I’m putting laxatives in everyone’s food at that point. Foh with that disrespect. OP you gotta move out, your roommate is a cu*t with no respect for boundaries.
You don’t have a password on YOUR laptop?
If you started dating a guy you were really into you’d tell him no more than 3 days a week?
The only fu is not having good security on your laptop.
This wasn’t a fuck up, your roommate sucks, her BF sucks, all around a sucky situation.
Eating food, using your shit and absolutely uncalled for and you had the correct reaction.
Sarah sucks.
That’s the risk you run having room mates. Not much you can do unfortunately since the room mate pays rent and has as much right to invite people over as you do.
You guys are roommates so as long as she pay her rent she has the same right that you do to use that place as her own. I would say if she wants to have guests over everyday she can, but only in regards to her private spaces. So for example if she wants to invite her boyfriend over every day and they stay within her bedroom then I think that is fine. However, the shared spaces it makes sense for the two of you to agree on some base rules. Like for example you saying that in the shared spaces you can only have guest 3 times a week. But that is something you both will have to talk about and agree upon.
If he is using your personal belongings and leaving dirty dishes or trash in the shared spaces then that is no appropriate and you should make sure it is clear with your roommate that her guests cant use your personal belongings and that any trash and dirty their guests leave in the shared spaces is her to clean up as soon as reasonably possible.
Check your lease, there’s probably something in there about how often you can have overnight guests.
I’d sit her down and lay out some clear boundaries (and point out you both can be evicted if he’s staying over more than the lease allows).
Tell her your max nights/week that guests are acceptable (hopefully the lease makes this easier), that both her and your guests have to contribute to the food budget if they are staying more than one meal (don’t start charging your friends for coming over for dinner once a month), her guests aren’t allowed to use your property without asking and yours will be told not to use her things either, and any other boundaries you want to enforce. It should go both ways.
Your sister is wrong. Most people would not be okay with what she is doing. Her boyfriend is using her and you.
What does the lease say about visitors ?
>it’s her apartment too so she can have whoever she wants over.
She’s right… BUT that doesn’t mean he can eat your food and use your stuff. You need to be compensated appropriately and a sincere apology is in order.
He’s an asshole, and so is your roommate.
Not a FU. You were willing to put up with some nonsense because you share a space with her but he crossed many lines, one of them happened to be the straw. I think she’s a bad roommate. Maybe they should get their own place?
Notify the landlord of the additional roommate that is not in the lease.
I had almost this exact same experience in college. My roommate’s GF was over constantly and was making a mess, using the place as if she lived there.
We asked them to go over to her place at least a couple times a week. It didn’t work. We ended up kicking him out and eating the rent for a few months.
NTA.
Also you should lock your computer with a password/passcode/pin/face ID, even more so when you live in a house with others.
Read your lease and see what it says about overnight guests. Many landlords have a limit for that in their leases.
On a personal note, as someone who’s ben where you are, Good For You. I swear sometimes people call in love (hurray for them) and become self centered. Glad you love your boyfriend, but I don’t. I do not want to see his face every day. Why don’t you go to his house sometimes?
Fuck Jake. Not only is he being a 50% uninvited houseguest he’s also a shitty houseguest for leaving dishes and shit. And WHO THE FUCK uses someone else’s computer without permission. Jesus christ. Fuck Jake absolutely fuck Jake and fuck your roommate for thinking that’s OK I dont care how good his unwashed dick is Jesus christ he’s absolute shit give your balls a tug wake and bake pakaloko dank fuckin Jake coming over like its a fuckin continental goddamn red roof inn and suites fuckin breakfast buffet and leaving dishes like a contestant on top Chef only he’s too inept to cook seriously you’re a fuckin temu return jake
Look up housing laws where you live and go by that, her feelings can’t be hurt that way
The fuck up is why Jake was able to log in to your laptop without you there. Unique password, and never hand it out…
Trust me Jake is so glad you said something
Your expectations are reasonable, but you can’t dictate anything to your roommate. This should have been a conversation expressing your concerns and if your roommate didn’t come around you’d have to move out.
You aren’t wrong for setting boundaries, but it’s also not just YOUR place. It’s also hers.
The better plan of action would have been to sit both of them down and air your grievances. Explain to him that he’s welcome, but every night is a bit much and you’d appreciate some alone time in your own apartment. And definitely reiterate that him using YOUR personal items is a firm boundary you have.
You should also bring up the dishes and his use of your groceries. Make it very clear to him that he needs permission from one of you to make or eat food from your place, and make it very clear to her that any food he eats or dishes he uses falls on HER to replace/clean.
I’ve had this conversation before back when I had 2 roommates and one of them started to bring his girlfriend over every day. After the talk, he spent more time at her place and things were fine.
Yes, you should have talked about it sooner. But it’s not too late. Talk to her now and make it clear that you acted fast in the interest of self-protection, but now that the emergency is dealt with (temporarily), a more thorough talk from a point of safety can happen.
You also should have password-protected your laptop. If you leave yourself logged in to any accounts on your computer, anyone opening that computer has access to all those accounts. Anything on that computer or connected accounts that you wouldn’t want posted publicly? Then the laptop needs a lock on it.
That sounds super frastrating. Don’t feel bad you did what you had to do!
Your limit of 3 overnights per week is completely reasonable. I set that boundary with a large houseful of roommates using exactly that rule in … 1991. It worked then and it will work now.
No, you’re not the bad guy although talking to your roommate earlier would have been appropriate. You split the rent 50/50 but her “half” uses more resources, causes more noise, less privacy, more mess, and now intrusion and possible theft. What if he had broken your laptop? What if he messed up some important files? What if he let himself in when you have no clothes on?
This isn’t even addressing the fact that he’s a he. When you rented the place with her part of the deal was two women, right? Be clear that she’s broken the agreement you signed up for, even if you tolerated it at first.
Decide on if you want to keep renting with her. A lot depends on if you’re willing to move out. Also check your lease for visitor rules – many rentals say no more than a certain number of overnight stays a week or month.
If you want to keep renting with her you’ll need to agree on a number of days/nights any boyfriend can stay over and strict rules about cleanup, privacy, use of common areas, and rules about touching/using/borrowing your stuff. For example… He stays over four nights in a week? Her “half” cleans the bathroom twice as often as you do and kicks in 20% more rent. Never allowed in your room, has to be out of the apartment by 9am, and never, ever, touches your ipad, laptop, phone – never. But the kicker is if you agree to continue and the dude grabs your laptop (or whatever) you need to be prepared to move anyway.
I’ll be his place is a dump, right? If it were me I would move or kick her out. After several experiences like yours, I never had roommates again, even if I was paying more for a smaller space.
I’d say you are one hundred percent in the right. I had a roommate that had her bf over almost every single day and one night I came home from work. I’d work nights; sometimes until 10/11pm nothing wildly late. Found the door to our apartment deadlocked so I was essentially locked out in the hallway for about an hour calling their phone repeatedly. The BF had locked the door, I kinda flipped out and was like this is not this mans house he should never be touching the lock regardless of anything.
We agreed to having a 2-3 times a week schedule for visitations
Get a new roommate/ move out
When I had roommates, i told them any guests that spent 3+ nights over would need an additional split on rent and utilities.
I’d be pissed if their guests were leaving dishes, eating food or using anything of mine.
Check your tenancy agreement or rental agreement if you’re in the US? I think.
Most have a visitors Claude and anything over 2 or 3 nights has to be declared to the landlord and monies adjusted accordingly.
I’m not saying do it – I’m just saying – present her with it – then it’s out of your control and won’t fuck your relationship up long term.
N
You should have got 2 bfs and had them over everyday.
If she want to live with him they should just move in together.
Also he’s making no effort to minimize the amount of space he’s taking up at all. As others have said using your laptop without permission is a huge violation of boundaries.
The laptop thing is a huge invasion of privacy. And second, get new friend. Most importantly put a god damn password on your electronic devices. Get a lock for your room or a camera for the room as well.
Document his times there, report it to the landlord! Has to be against the lease
Umm, why doesn’t your laptop have a password? Shitty roommate BF aside, that’s really not a good idea.
8 months, so 4 to go… find a new roommate. Make sure the lease addresses sleeping overs. And for fuck sake put a password on your laptop.
It’s not a binary choice between what you did and not saying anything. Are you wrong for setting boundaries? Absolutely not! Could you have said things better? Probably.
Apologize for snapping, but not for setting boundaries. Him being on your laptop is not OK. And there should be agreed upon expectations about what is appropriate
What she’s doing is really rude. You have every right to make that request! He’s free loading and if I were her, I’d be embarrassed and tell him to stop.
Not a real story. Why would there even be an argument if your laptop was used?
Don’t apologize or recant. You were right, Jake from State Farm isn’t a roommate and shouldn’t be there.
He used your Laptop????
WHAAT THEEEE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!!
Set your laptop up to sleep and require a login to access the operating system for starters.
Everything after he used your laptop was 100% justified.
This Jake is an entitled pr!ck. It’s no surprise that his GF, your roommate, would also be an entitled pr!ck. Birds of a feather and all that.
Neither are probably people you wanna be friends with, so as long as the dynamic remains frosty but peaceful, I’d chalk it up as a win.
Your food. Your laptop.
The only thing you’re wrong of, is not communicating it from the beginning like an adult (a lot of ppl don’t communicate, if you read stories on here about other ppl’s coworkers, it’s like no one fucking communicates and just complains in Reddit or just snaps like you did)
Review your lease, specifically the section about guests. Call your LL and let them know what’s going on. Let them handle it.
Using your laptop without permission is WILD. MASSIVE invasion of privacy. That’s enough for me to not let them in my home again. Limiting visits to 3x a week is exceptionally reasonable.
When you have roommates, it’s not just your home. You don’t get to bring over guests who can stay whenever they want. Your roommate is being selfish, and unreasonable, and would realize this if you did the same thing and had someone come to stay with you for weeks/months on end – because now it would affect her.
If you intend to continue this living arrangement, it is important to establish boundaries that both of you can agree upon, and then stick to them.
Do you not password protect your computer?
You pay half of the rent but she pays the other half so she has the right to receive whomever she wants whenever she wants but you’ll have to put up some ground rules like absolute prohibition to touch your stuff without your permission, and if he eats something it’s up to him or even her to clean dishes because if this dude doesn’t have good manners he has to be taught
I had a very similar situation 20 years ago. Had a roommate, got along great, but he had a thing about only splitting expenses for things he actively used, and although he would sometimes watch TV with me, he wouldn’t chip in for the cable bill. I didn’t have a problem with him getting passive benefit from something I paid for, because I always got to pick what we watched.
The he starts dating this odd woman who wouldn’t speak to anyone she didn’t know well. To this day, I have no idea what her voice sounds like. She was there six days a week, nights included. It was a bit much, but given her inclination to avoid any interaction with me at all, there really wasn’t anything specific to complain about. She was more of a corporeal ghost than a third roommate.
Then one day she’s watching TV when a show I wanted to watch came on. Many of you may not recall a time before streaming, but this story is set in a bygone age, when TV told you when to watch it, or else you missed the episode. So, I issued a perfunctory apology, and changed the channel. She left wordlessly, to go complain about me. Roommate comes out, all indignant, explains to me that she’s a guest, and I’m expected to defer to her preferences at all times. Told him she’s a freeloader not a guest, it’s my TV, and he didn’t chip in for cable, so I’ll watch whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want, and by the way, if she has a problem with me in the future, she can take it up with me directly, or go find a more accommodating person’s home to live in, because I’m not having this conversation with roommate again.
I think it’s good to be flexible and generous up to a point, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Also, I think it’s probably good that Sarah’s taking this hard. You were very easygoing to the extent you could manage it, and then they pushed too far, and you snapped. That shows that you’re interested in helping people, but that there’s a cost to being disrespectful of your boundaries, and I think that being seen as neither a jerk nor a doormat is a good thing. Sarah’s upset because she has to take you seriously from now on, and she didn’t want to do that. If she gets over it, great, you’ve injected some respect into the relationship. If she doesn’t, then that bitch is just a taker, so if what she wants to take is a long walk, then good riddance.
Swear to god this is a genderbent version of a post I saw a few days ago
Nah fuck that. I’m all for having partners over but everyday is insane. Especially when they’re not paying and leaving a mess for yall to clean up
Setting boundaries in a shared living space is completely valid, especially when someone who doesn’t pay rent is basically living there. You could’ve brought it up sooner, but your concerns are reasonable and honestly overdue. It’s your space too.
Go back to her with a calmer attitude and ask if you guys can talk about that situation. Explain to her kindly how you understand he is her boyfriend, but you guys signed into a lease as just you and her. So everything is split between just you two. Yes, the place is half hers, but you would hope she could understand that you need to feel comfortable about your half.
That in your mind, coming home from work, waking up, making dinner, watching tv are things you mentally prepared yourself for, acknowledging that you will just be a part of the living situation. But you have not been able to get your mind around doing any of these without feeling like he is invading your personal space.
You tried to just look past the boyfriend always being there, but it has come to a point with him crossing a serious line. By him opening your laptop, which is anyone’s most personal thing they own. It has every piece of your personal information on it. Yes, maybe you could have had a password on it, but you trusted her to not invade such a thing, let alone her boyfriend to feel like he could just use your computer.
Tell her you guys need to work together and come up with a plan that allows both of you to respect the other’s privacy and me time. When either of you have guest over, you need to give the other a heads up, and accept sometimes the other one doesn’t feel like having guest at the moment. And you are responsible for making sure their guest is cleaning up after themselves or you are to do it right away. Making sure any bills are not being increased due to the extra person.
Update us on how the interaction goes. Hopefully it doesn’t cause permanent feuds.
What does the lease say about visitors? There is usually a limit
Your lease has a stated limit on visit time
Look for another place to live. Fuck the both of them. Life is too short to put up with assholes.